AF Day 0
It was a tough few days and I didn’t do well. I was given a gift that was a huge game-changer, totally unexpected.
I wallowed in self-isolation and pity all weekend with Karen. I was going to throw Monday away as well, I was hungover, sad, and stuck. I had two tequilas on the rocks for breakfast, wtf. This drinking in the morning is a new thing, I’m not even sure why and it’s f’ing gross. Reflecting now I can see it helps suppress feelings, till it doesn’t. Then crap, I remembered about a gift given to me, yoga for a month with a studio in the states. Panicking getting ready and thankful it was on Zoom so I could mute and not video, even though I should have. The class was awesome, it was my first time with Mrs. J as the teacher, love her smile and cues. It felt like I was with friends even though I was a ghost in the class. I cried in savasana and knew this was right. I love the knowing and sense of belonging. Living on the rock I miss my home studios and my yoga omies often.
Let’s talk about the gift. Even though I have been wrecking myself all weekend, ok I was a hot mess but still, I made progress. On Saturday morning I posted a blog and without noticing I shared it to my business page, yeah having so many social media accounts it was bound to happen. A far away newer friend caught it right away and sent me a message. She was worried about me and I was mortified. I tried to backpedal and somehow make sense of it in any way possible except the truth.
After I fumbled a few drunken sentences I gave up and sadly told her my plan. She was kind after I begged her not to share my story. The entire weekend I was scared she would out me even though she promised not to. She lives here part-time and we have mutual friends in the community that are exactly the people I don’t want to know about my drinking. I had no plans on telling her much less anyone else who is on the rock but she caught me like a little kid stealing candy. I’m suppose to be an example of health and here I am losing my shit with wine. I wouldn’t be the first drunk yoga teacher however in this small tight-knit community it could be my demise.
Sunday she reached out to me with a gift. She gave me a month of yoga at her studio in the states. With COVID peaking the class are online and I can join in from anywhere. She registered me for her class Monday morning to kick off my gifted month. How can a person I barely know love me? Tears ran down my face, I was struck. This is one of the many reasons I love the yoga community and how lucky am I? This is a huge gift but what she sparked was my aha moment. After her gift of yoga, I felt nervous and inspired to invite a few other friends in my adventure. Originally I wasn’t going to out of fear and embarrassment. However, her compassion and lack of judgment reminded me what friends are for. A sense of belonging, love, and companionship that I craved for so badly for as long as I can remember. With a little liquid courage, I got brave and invited a few friends along this journey, wow what a game-changer. That was truly her gift.
Initially, after my breakdown in late March, I reached out to a few people and they were not able to support me. Then I tried groups online and locally but the same thing, well I was told my bottom wasn’t low enough. I promise today my bottom isn’t terrible however in my past I’ve had some real lows, terrible lows. I quit drinking a few times before and will chat about that later.
Fast forward to Monday after my tequila breakfast with a side of yoga. I had class at 11 and only my favorite student showed up so we went on a beach walk instead. We chatted and she shared some news that made me feel good about my choices of letting people go was the right thing. I went to lunch alone to drink the day away and out of the blue Mr. and Mrs. B joined me. Thank god, and I am not that kind of person. I hung out with them for the rest of the day and shared a bottle of wine, nothing more. They don’t drink a lot and we had a great time and worked on the new project we are creating together. It was exactly what I needed and I was wildly thankful. I do have people that love and care for me, I simply need to ask for help.
Here I am Tuesday, a little shaky and still sad. This sad is not from my heart but from the alcohol withdrawal, awesome physical dependence. On my walk to teach this morning, I saw an old beau on the way there and they could see something was up. He asked why I have been avoiding him, I explained I was struggling. Little tears started to fall and without flinching, he invited me to the gym. We have had a date there before and it’s the only steam room on the rock. I asked for a hug and it felt amazing. I was all shook up after that plus the DT’s, sweating like crazy I had to cancel my morning class as I was walking there. I tried to yoga it out and sweat before and couldn’t shake it. How many times have I been hungover and taught before, countless? Today is just different, I can’t explain it. It feels totally different, in a good way. The gift of asking for help from my community is what I have been missing. It feels like a breath of fresh air after being submerged in the wine drain. I hope Dry July will be my jump-off point and how fitting that it’s halfway through this roller coaster of a year.
Today the plan is to write a letter to Karen and say goodbye. She has been a friend for a long time and super faithful. Now I can see she is in the way of my passion for life and with the gathering of my troops there is no longer room for her at my table. Thank you, Mrs. J, and all my friends for loving me and allowing me to ask for help. I need you now.