Day 4 AF
It’s the evening of my first AF 4th of July since I can remember and it kind of sucks. I’m sitting at home alone and the evening is effortlessly beautiful. The moon is illuminated on a full moon’s eve, I can hear and see the ocean crash into the Iron Shore as a cool wind slips through the house. Moments like these are exactly why I live here. Why is this not enough?
I can’t tell you the countless moments I’ve had that struck me in awe only to be alone and leaving yearning for more. I moved often as a kid and wasn’t able to create to experience long term relationships. I didn’t know this skillset romantic or platonic. As a kid there was no internet in my life till high school, I took a class on how to use an electronic typewriter. I had a pen pal or two but my parents started to read my letters and I got grounded for real. Ask me later ; )
Growing up I started over so many times with new people from diverse backgrounds. Who knew it would prepare me to live internationally without blinking an eye. However it took away learning to have long term relationships. I even had many years living without my sisters several different times and with that we missed out on a lot of sister things. Thankfully we are stronger today than ever before, miss your faces.
On the rock people are transient. Even I left a couple of years ago with zero plans to come back to live. 100% Nada. You make good friends and then a year or so later they leave, often here. I’ve had more heart breaks losing girlfriends than the fellas by far. Going on a girl gang dive is fun and rare for some reason. Recently I decided to get my own gear for diving to go my once a week minimum. I live right next to one of the most beautiful parts of a reef in the world. Shore dive close to top that off. With the COVID time out the water is amazing and full of fish and sharks! A hammerhead keeps slinking by, I can’t wait to see it.
My preference would be a partner than a friend, true story. However I need to be that good partner first. I want to giggle for saying that for some reason or maybe more like I know it’s true that’s what’s holding me back. I’m tired of settling and wondering why I’m unhappy. I understand the fact that some women want to be caught, I want to be captivated.
Let me explain the detour in conversation. When we meet you’ll see how I intertwined 5 stories to 1 marvelous event. Sometimes you may have to remind me why I started, not often and hopefully even less now since I’m sober. Boom another bonus, I love how I am starting to feel.
Back to being sober on the 4th. I do like how I have felt the passed few days. My appearance is still a little rough for my liking. My thoughts are by the end of the month I’ll start having my skin back. I use to have an evening a week where I polished myself and loved it. That was one of the first things I stopped when I started to go down the drain. I’d start to drink and couldn’t polish very well and got less interested. I felt amazing the other day with the Dr, that was the first time in awhile. To help with getting my mojo back I decided to add Self-Care Sunday to my business for social media and eventually video by the end of the month. That’s right video, thanks guru!
I did get to spend a lot of time with Ms Guru and even my favorite Bee came by. Taught yoga in 3 beautiful locations and landed an water aerobics weekly gig. I have told myself I hate water aerobics and here I am. I better get better sunblock.
I did have 2 moments of wanting to drink. We were at a restaurant, which does not happen often anymore, and a glass of wine was served to the table behind me. Thank goodness I could not take Karen sitting over there with him and not me too. It was short lived, if I was alone I’m not sure I would have been so easy. Hello, here is a trigger for now. Second time was today. A friend let me down that I was sweet on, it’s for the best. I was upset and looked at the time 4:56, the store closes at 5, not enough time to meet up with Karen. Thankfully I was saved, I could feel my body reaching out and wanting the comfort.
Karen had been on my mind all morning. A friend messaged me he got into a fight with a bottle of red the night before and sorry he missed out chat. I love red wine, that’s my girl. This happens a lot I have recently noticed. 2 days ago another friend sent the picture in the post “This made me think of you ; ) miss you my island sister”. This lady is awesome and wild in a great way. Drinks heavily here and I keep up most of the times we hang out. We have a genuinely good time and never has a bad thing happened besides being hungover. As any good island sister of mine, we love the same style of yoga and will Namas-play it up till I feel stronger in being AF.
Now after getting all that of my chest, I’m typing here feeling grateful to be AF. Learning my triggers has been so helpful and important so I can use my emotions to guide me, not overwhelm me like in the past. I had lost respect for myself for a small list of things I can remember, since then forgive myself and doing better. I’m ramping up again to have enough work that keeps me healthy in all aspects (mental, physical, emotional and financial) and fostering the same environments for like minded people on the rock. An overwhelming of knowing this is true is washing over me, Happy 4th of July.