Cruisin for a Bruisin

AF Day 0 ~ It’s about the journey right?

I was ready to drink on my 8th day. I was cruisin for a bruisin, looking to get my feelings hurt to blame for drinking. Oh trust me, I’m so good at it and knew where to find it. My emotions had been so volatile after the three days of being alone and I was coming home alone again. My ex had been blowing me up for 2 days, overdid it on the caffeine, getting bummed out about all these parties I’m not going to and mad I’m overeating to feel like shit. Well not like being hungover feels like, that’s my good morning friends.

I was happyish with a few downswings the past few days and so sure where I was on my sober journey that I moved my 1000 hours, 3 months, and 100 days yesterday and today they will be moved again. Motherf’er, literally shaking my head and laughing at the same time. As a forever student there is always a lesson never a failure. I learned a lot about my stresses and I did reach out after I drank. I wasn’t going to tell anyone and act like it never happened. That is not what this is about these pages will be about, it about the process, and thank you for allowing me to share it with you as a tool for my sobriety and hopefully someone else’s.

I was curious a few times throughout my evening with Karen. We had fun in the moments, did some productive work and then I would be sad. I think I wanted to be sad. It was like all this pent up and I had to let it burst. I’m learning how to manage my emotions. How to field them before it gets to a painful point. I tell people to breathe, meditate, and here I am acting out with Karen. Now I have my confirmation that what I did last night is not healthy and no longer tolerated. So happy I reached out to my guru and excited for our meeting today. I want to practice living in sobriety as a core belief, not for one day, one month, one-year thing, for life. Now what exactly that looks like I’m not sure but I sure know how I want to feel. I want to feel secure and fulfilled in me no matter what I chose in life. Nothing is guaranteed, I feel you on that. Simply know that I’m a woman who likes to gamble, and I would bet on me.

One of the most unmagical things about being an adult is meeting people where they are in life at that moment.  People excuse my behavior at times and I need to do the same. Understand what their intentions overall are and think through those eyes. When I make mistakes it’s a reflection of me, not them and vice versa. Even when it hurts, there is something probably more hurt in them. I believe that will stop a lot of this anger that is rising up and I’m practicing a lot, issues in those tissues are flowing out. No more cruisin for a bruisin, I’ve practiced that enough and I’m great at it, done. Next adventure! 

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