Use Your Words

AF Day 1

One day of drinking turned into three days. I never overdid it thankfully even though I really wanted to the first night. I was crusin’ hard. There was a bottle of wine the night before and 4 beers yesterday, why does making how much I drank public feel better? Is this seeking out for justification I don’t have a drinking problem, an excuse in that is ok that I broke my goal and or seeking validation that this time was ok?  What I am ok with is that I’m eating. in the moment and got to help a friend with using her words.  Now with these few days behind me, I have noticed a huge difference in my body between sober living to daily light drinking. I am digging how the sober feels.

Right away my sleep went to crap, up weird hours at night, feeling anxious and I swear my breath is strong. I feel heavier, bloated, and a little shaky (going with a bit too much coffee with this one partially, I need to make a swap out). The plus within this madness is at 3 am this morning a friend posted on FB if anyone was awake. She’s my old roommate from when I was a young, chunky 22, and the sweetest Texas girl ever. Her voice and expressions, fill up my heart, and feels like home. I know she was struggling and gave her a call. She is drinking beer and smoking cigarettes in her driveway, it’s 4 am there. She wakes up in the middle of the night stresses out while her family is sleeping not to bother them. This is not typical, this is COVID behavior for her and scaring her. This is mirroring what is going on with me. Hiding and hating myself. 

Yes sometimes I smoke and if you see it I’m drunk, stressed, or both. I didn’t smoke till I was 27, I was overeating again so I started to smoke to not get fat. Now I still stress eat from time to time.  I have found my peace with it as long as it only lasts a day or so. Longer that than that I will go further down the drain with “now I am going to get fat, let’s smoke cigarettes instead”. Shaking my head right now thinking about this, like really this is what is going through my educated mind, so dumb yet we share this secret. We are pretty raw with each other, she has taught me many great things about being authentically yourself.

She’s a school teacher for little ones and they may be starting soon in class. She needs the money but afraid of getting COVID and bringing it home. She hasn’t been able to hug her mom let alone visit with her since her immune system is fragile. This pandemic is terrible for so many people mentally in ways we will not understand for some time. We hang up and promise to do it more often. I love my girl gang and thankful to put this no drinking out there so we can band together with no shame. 

After visiting with my Texas partner in crime, my client this morning chatted me up about her struggles and my sober living. I was a little nervous at first until a huge smile came over her.  She expressed how hard it has been for her to get back in a healthy routine during this pandemic.  Consistency is key in creating how healthy feels and the rest always seems to fall into place.  We are both single ladies on the rock and laughed about how our current dating has thrown us off our game too. Remember the odds are good here but the goods are odd.  We did agree that when we are living our healthiest lives we have to beat the fellas off with a stick. HAHAHA. It’s wildly true. When I’m kicking ass in being healthy the fellas show up, dropping off applications left and right. I admire her energy and grateful to have clients with her. They both shared their words and made a beautiful positive effect on me. 

On the other side of the use of your words spectrum, I have also been hanging with a man of few words. I really enjoy his company however he doesn’t say too much in emotions. He shows his love in pampering and taking care of but rarely says anything sweet or enduring. He craves connection physically, loves to hold me, and shares his passion. I can’t tell you if he ever said I was beautiful. I need a partner who uses his words. That is a love language thing right?   I want attention, cuddles, exercise, and food, I sound more like a puppy love language right now.  

Both ladies taught me that talking and using my words helps release fears and create stronger relationships with people of the same values. His lack of emotional vernacular creates self-doubt and confusion. I believe these are all signs that I need to use my words. Like writing this blog/book, keep talking to my friends about my sobriety instead of hiding in a castle by the sea.  I need to be ready for when I do reach out or share my story that not everyone wants to hear it.  This has happened in the past and triggered my drinking.  Now that I know this trigger I need to be ready this will happen again, so many triggers in my life right now.  Does it become easier or harder in time? 

I will keep searching on how to use my words instead of calling on Karen to fill in that space.  She never says what I need to hear, she just talks so loud I can’t hear my own words.  

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