And Breathe

AF Day 2

I’m feeling good overall today. It wasn’t pretty and intentionally drinking to not feel for a few days in a row. Drinking alone was never my thing before until COVID.  Just me and Karen, hanging out and finding ways to keep going down the drain. Sad music, sure why not; overeat and then feel bad about it, easy stuff.  Not call my friends, do yoga, or simply stop and breathe. It’s wild this is me before I drank to be social now hide so no one sees me.

I think it’s also why I shy from pictures, I have had shame about drinking alcohol. My family has had input, I checked myself into rehab, therapists have recommended quitting, for real enough red flags right? There is so much more than alcohol has done to shake my standing and here I am. One time I went to….let me spill that tea another time.  Back to these recent shenanigans.

As I sit here it’s kind of all a blur. There were some classes, rained out days, a lot of food, and a lot of time alone with Karen.  This really needs to change.  I had a moment about drinking with my coach and we had great banter. I have loads of feelings and learning how to cope and numb it out. It feels a lot like anger however I a trying to get below that.  Yeah, that’s right this little lady gets angry and has lost her composure a few times.  I was already spiraling from cruisin for a bruisin.  Next, I’m losing my mind over something I have very little control over, it feels super disrespectful and it is tied to money. Duked that out with the life coach and here I am day 2 AF.  

Amongst my throwing a pity party with Karen I had wins. This is part of the problem, I became a high functioning drinker in my corporate hay days. Back to the wins!! I started to massage again, only word of mouth, and mostly on the weekends for now. The girls are having great classes at the resort and I decided to get spanked or thanked to move forward there, done with that BS.  Looking to create a workshop to train people in low-income places like drug rehab centers, orphanages, etc so they can teach a basic class, meditate and breathe.

AF Day 1 it started with the breath.  I woke up hungover for sure.  Luckily my class canceled for weather and I had very little I had to do. So I breathed slowly and intentionally.  I teach meditation and breathwork yet here I am not breathing.  Your breath is your greatest teacher and has healed me. This is why I teach breathing, it literally changed my life. However, I haven’t maintained my practice. How can I know this in my mind and yet it’s all out the window for that Bitch Karen. Slow down your breathing to allow your body and mind to follow.  This is one of the reasons I started my practice, I always hold my breath. Big inhale, big exhale.

I started a bullet journal yesterday and going to track my life in a grid. Monitoring my mood, stimulants, possible food triggers like dairy, sleep, etc… The journal will help manage my life more, create a second brain, and look at myself as a science project.  How else can we evaluate and edit often?  I do wish it was online since I travel so much though.  Feeling good about everything so far.  

It’s 6pm and all the stores are closed so I made it through day 2, Good night my friends and tonight take a few deep breaths once your head hits the pillow.

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