Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful. 

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