Weekend Blur

AF Day 5 – Good morning

Waking up feeling pretty good.  The past few days have been relatively good and has forward motion.  I wake up every day wanting to drink and hang with Karen, every freaking day so far.  In the past when I quit I have not had these feelings.  I keep reflecting on why I can’t walk away like before and I keep coming back to the conclusion I am surrounded by more alcohol than ever.  As an adult I have lived mainly in Austin, and Denver which both cities are notorious for their drinking culture like here on the rock. The main difference is I had so many more social options in the states that I didn’t have to constantly be on the lookout for triggers and repeatedly saying no.  

Every day on the rock I’m invited to some type of drinking or sent some meme or planning an event where there is an excuse to hang out and drink.  Now granted it’s COVID time and most places can not be open except restaurants and there is not enough allowed circulation for most of the places to open. In the Bay where I live there is some type of party at someone’s house or an empty resort where anyone is there.  

AF Day 1 

Well that was Friday morning when I started the above entry and I didn’t make the day without Karen. Now it’s Monday morning at 3am feeling optimistic and like crap. I’m tired, disappointed, full of anxiety, excited, hopeful and hungover.  This booze cruise of a weekend started with a lot of emotions. My body felt great with a few sober days behind me, eating well and staying super active. My heart and mind was elsewhere, lonely, frustrated and scared. The spiral started when I thought I found a car and after paying $50 to a mechanic I found it was full of issues. Which is great to know and totally worth the money but it can take me several classes to make that much right now.  Friday kept rolling on, I taught a class and it was only prepaid students so no new money today and was bummed out.  I was hoping to make a little cash to stay and play on the beach all day anyways we had a great class and I love my students. After class I reached out to several people but they were either busy or drinking so I started to walk home. All these feelings of self doubt are starting to swirl in my mind, are these signs that I should leave? Am I going to be alone forever like this and down the drain I go with negative chatter. After trying for 45 minutes to find a friend I gave up and picked up Karen and headed home. 

With COVID rules still enforced on the rock I knew I would be alone for the entire weekend.  This is so heavy for me and hurts my heart even writing it now.  I drank the entire bottle pretty swiftly and wasn’t numbed out as I hoped. Still loads of “I suck” conversations going on in my head. I didn’t want to make the hike to the store so I polished off the remains of a bottle of cheap rum. It was gross and did the trick, it was enough to pass out and wake up at 8pm.  I desperately texted my ex, he knew I was drunk and ended our conversation pretty quickly. Finally I passed out again and started back at it in the morning.  

Saturday morning I felt so terrible and lost, I went for over 5 days and was feeling great. I typically have a couple of classes on the weekends but all my clients cancelled for various reasons. Is this another sign to leave? My mind was saying so many nasty things so I started to drink at breakfast to take the edge off. I wish I would have pulled out my mat, meditated, gone for a walk, anything else but I chose to drink. I’m so mad at myself at this point, I have been trying to stop drinking since April and here we are in August.  Why is this being a challenge?  I have all the resources, I know better, have support, know all the science behind drinking but all this hurt and sadness keeps taking over. Eventually I started to do some online work and update my journal. I knew that I could only do minor things because of the state I was in but I know that even little steps forward helps and I’m trying to get out of this downward spiral.  

The clouds moved in early and a steady rain started and lasted for a few hours. I was finally relieved to not have work that morning, as it would have all been canceled and I would have been rained on. My classes right now are outside for social distancing and I have to walk everywhere. Feeling a little better about the day I switched to coffee and told myself that’s it for alcohol, move on and up. I viewed my sober community on Instagram and was feeling super inspired. There was a popular post of a Dear Alcohol letter and that was my new plan, I have this!  It’s a full moon, new month, let’s do this.

A few hours passed and the power went out, lightning struck a pole and the entire rock was without power/internet again.  An hour into the outage my ex texted and 30 minutes later he picked me up.  We had a decent time watching tv and laughing it up. I brought Karen with me and drank the bottle over a course of 5 hours, I told myself I was tapering off.  I shouldn’t have entertained his invite but I was so lonely. I enjoy our conversations and he is kind but deep down I know this will end in a fiery mess, it always does even more so when I drink. He is struggling and admits to me he had been on and off his meds which makes him manic and it was showing. My friends tell me to not make too much of it and just enjoy the company but I can’t. Eventually we go to bed and I wake up at 4am ready to go home, I shouldn’t be here.  After coffee he takes me home and in the car we chat about snorkeling later. He made some kind of remark that I don’t believe we will snorkel later and how I must not trust anything he says.  I looked him square in the eyes and told him I lost faith in his words months ago.  

Now it’s about noon on Sunday and nothing about me is feeling inspired to adult.  Still upset thinking I need to leave the rock I put my name on a flight list to leave mid August. I don’t want to leave but this weekend was disappointing and something has to change.  4 months I have been saying I will be alcohol free, not drinking anymore, Dry July, so on and so on and failing miserably. I knew my ex wasn’t going to show up later and it hurts so much, every time. With all this in my mind I accepted it and opened a fresh cool bottle of white to close out the weekend.  I told myself, this is the last time and I will write this Dear Alcohol letter. I meal prepped, danced in the kitchen to happy music and let Karen drown out my sorrows.  

Out of the blue my dad messages me, we rarely talk but not in a bad way. We exchanged a few messages and I asked him to call me sometime to talk about me moving back.  I was already half-drunk so I was basically pushing him away so he won’t figure it out. My dad hates my drinking more than I do and at one point he didn’t talk to me for over a year after I got a DUI. My dad wanted to talk right then so I went with it and explained my frustrations and how I may move back. We keep talking and my dad drops a bomb, he offers to come to the rock and live with me!  This has been the plan several times and this will be my dad’s third attempt living here.  My entire body lights up and I feel inspired to stay and I’m so ready to buy a car. This will be amazing if this happens in so many ways but only if I’m not drinking. 

With this new wind in my sails and a bottle of wine deep I’m feeling good.  I meal prepped like a boss for the upcoming week and felt ready to take on this week.  A friend messaged me to come down to the beach and have a few beers, my ex still hasn’t called so I know he is standing me up and I was out of booze so I went. It was a fun day except my friend kept hitting on me and I have drawn a firm line with him several times. I kept ignoring and discouraging his flirting and he kept the beers flowing. I was trying to be careful since I already had a bottle of wine in me and if I give this guy an inch he will take a mile. The afternoon was awesome, I was happy with the news from my dad, perfect beach weather saw a few friends, confirmed another car and then I greyed out.  The next thing I remember I’m at his place having prime rib.  It was so damn good, not every day you have good beef on the island and this was flown in from the states. He was planning on me staying the night but I managed enough brainpower to come home. He has done this several times before and I should have known better.

Here we are now, Monday morning and wildly I’m feeling optimistic after typing this and dehydrated. Luckily today will be a relatively easy day, getting caffeinated and starting my bullet journal a few days late. I have a few projects in the works, chatting up an old flame and looking up houses on the MLS. New month, full moon and new adventures ahead!

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