what I’m trying to do

AF Day 5 – Good Morning

This has been a big work week alcohol-free and loads of new changes settling in. I feel good at the moment and nervous in others. 

Mr. Hotel requested a meeting with me for Monday, this will be the first one in some time.  I have requested to meet up with him for over a month and he blows me off easily. It has been hurtful both personally and professionally and I have confessed to him about it via whatsapp, like wtf we are friends yeah not professional but for real Im scared.  I have an idea his plate is full and stressful so I have been moving forward thinking along the lines spank me or thank me.  With the knowledge he is blowing up some local rift raft on the rock it stings, just a little bit but manageable. He makes me feel powerless and I have felt this way for some time, no thank you. This is not necessary or good for my quality of life. I thought feeling like this was worth it, time to pivot that thought. 

I made a forecast of the next 3 years with the allowance I have been given and forsee with fitness only at the hotel and 15K, would be kind the year ahead and more than the year before. Not enough. Combination of feelings and low pay, this will be my side hustle and I’m excited to reorganize my energy.  The great thing about COVID is I can reinvent myself, go to school, take online certs, check into an ashram, join a cult, take feet pics? HAHAHA I kid but there are options.  Yoga healed me, still does continuously and that’s why it’s passion and will always be a part of my life, my life is my yoga. But momma can make money else where.

Now before Monday and I do anything brash, I like to call it passionately. Chatting this over career change with my therapist, coach, and dad this weekend.  I have conversed with a few people, including my sister and it makes sense. Maybe I was drinking because I knew it was time to let this go and I promise I didn’t, this use to be one of the most beautiful spots in the world to me but the emotional cost is too high and won’t sustain me financially. It’s good for me to teach at the hotel and I am fixin’ to here in a couple of hours, it Ms.Kentucky’s birthday, excited nervous about that. Back to topic. I love the hotel, the people I work with, the students it’s beautiful in so many ways and I will forever cherish this place. I’m tearing up now because I will be letting it go in some way.  My hope is to keep it alive with less money focus. 

The week was pretty good, I stayed home a lot working on my projects online, 2 massages, and now repeat clients. Emotionally I can tell a difference of being sober and I swear my skin is improving. My physical body is uncomfortably sore from aerobics by the pool.  It’s loads of fun, company included but it’s hard on my body.  I need to buy tennis shoes asap.  My knees, lower back, this is what prompted is the hotel a good fit. I can teach Yoga forever, but if I need to use my body for massage and aerobics another red flag I need a new career. 

Today I am going to drink. I have been pondering not to but I want to. I have all kinds of excuses and could have just a glass of bubbly but I want to be there with them fully. I imagine not drinking in intimate moments is like being the only person not on acid. I know that is extreme. I’m talking about maybe 3 glasses today ok 6, not the same as acid. Hear me out, no one is connecting with you exactly if they are a few in and you are sober. This is where having a car would be handy too or is it worth missing out and paying $20 for a ride home? 

It’s Ms.Kentucky’s birthday and she has been my solid student from day one in the pool. Her house is about to sell meaning she is leaving the rock soon.  Saying goodbyes with girlfriends happen a lot on the rock, I should be amazing at by now.  We are going to an exclusive resort and be the only guests, drinking very nice bubbly and celebrating her birthday.  Throw in a massage, pedicure and facial and I would explode.  I haven’t had this opportunity to do this with someone I care for in a long time and don’t foresee it happening again either.  She has an amazing heart and zest for life, later became the greatest supporter of me here at the pool and to me personally. At first, I hated her guts, growth right?  She will never tell me to drink but she always allows the space.  I appreciate it and scared of it at the same time.  I have at one point and told myself I will only drink with her because she will keep my secret.  I haven’t done that yet, that is not what I am trying to do.

Why do I feel I can’t be sober at today’s event? I have had a fancy resort time and didn’t drink before.  This makes me wonder do I really want to be alcohol-free or do I need to be alcohol-free.  This is vastly different and on my mind.  

I will indulge today, stay in my Kentucky bubble for the entire duration.  Wake up tomorrow hopefully feeling ok.  I’m conflicted and comfortable in my choice and will journal in the morning.   Maybe a little one tonight?!

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