AF Day 5
I know today is a cheat day so I’ll document it to see. Knowing I’m going to drink later I would typically be filled with guilt, bad feelings and negative self chatter. It would feel this anxiety build until the bottle was on my hands, literally. Then a wave of warm emotions falls down my body. Not today though, I’m looking forward to that cool, bubbly glass with my friends and not worried one bit.
Before class, I went to buy chips and a club soda. That’s me starting to be bad, lol. Shopping and unhealthy chips. An acquaintance pulled up to the captains and he needed a second to level himself standing it’s 10ish in the morning. Kind of triggered to be healthy and not like him so I opt for nuts and keep on a good habit path. I think he was taken over by pills as he stumbled buying a six-pack of lifesavers, funny they name a beer that. He is notorious for drinking too much. When we were at the hotel he drank a beer with a shot of local rum in it. Yeah, we exchange a few words and off to work I go. That can easily be me and a great example of why I don’t want to drink.
I arrive at the beautiful empty hotel 30 minutes early to write class, as I typically do. Dang it, the devil lady is already here and looking for a friend. She is mentally off for sure and won’t leave me alone in a positive way. She recently spent 3 hours yelling cusswords at her husband and it happens a lot. She sounds like an entire different person, my friend said it sounds like she is possessed like for real the devil is in her. I don’t typically hear them since I live 3 houses and across the street from her, not that night. They are also believed to vandalizing property after fighting with neighbors. I’m trying my best to squeeze her out politely I hope she understands. She is the one that ordered me a drink on Margarita Day, I said I wanted one so I need to be clear in my language. She is trying so hard to chat with me and I just can’t be her friend. I need people that don’t drink around me, she is another reminder of why I shouldn’t drink. I can be really mean with my words at times and I hate that about me. I’m sure I ended some of my relationships just because of that one reason alone.
The class was fun. Ms. Kentucky did a cannonball to start the class, she is a pistol. I asked her for a playlist and we got down on some Billy Idol, Pitbull, and super random upbeat stuff. We had a lot of fun, I even danced a little. These days I’m a 2-minute dancer and I love it. Just enough swing in the hips and then a break. Walked home and went back to Captains and grab a bottle for the day. I wanted to have something special for Becky. Well, maybe I’ll leave it here for after. Not drink too much and reward that with this bottle. Hmmm. Off to shower and get ready. The skin on the back of my arms feels amazing. Usually, it’s bumpy and looks irritated. Am I that dehydrated from alcohol and coffee? My skin texture has bothered me ever since I was a preteen, if this solves my skin that is a game-changer.
Friday evening I wake up at 9 pm. I blacked out at the party and don’t remember anything after we ate. I’m laying in my old bedroom and left the shower on, what a mess. I thought I did everything right and yet here I am. I ate, drank slowly but I kept up with everyone and that was my mistake. Honestly, my mistake was drinking at all, I can’t hang with Karen anymore damn it. These people are seasoned drinkers especially during COVID, I should have known better. I clean up all my messes and go back to the right bed. Saturday morning up at 9 am which is wild because 5 am is my typically waking hour. The shit show began. I didn’t drink that wine I bought yesterday so I started with that, I didn’t even think about drinking I just poured a glass. Texted my ex since he is struggling and having a hard time we like to check in with each other. We trigger each other constantly though so it starts nice and ends in a fire every time. I should block his number until I can handle his actions and not take them personally. This guy is awesome but so sick right now. We trade a few messages and plan to hang out. This isolation has us both in a tizzy, it sucks. He actually came to pick me up. I didn’t know he was here, he waited for less than a minute and dashed off. I asked if he was ok, he replied to me that I was making a power play by not being ready. I even had my makeup done and was ready. Wow, he is on the path today, good thing we didn’t hang out.
So I walk down to the Captains to get a refill of Karen. I asked my ex to meet me there so we can check-in and then I went home. He was so triggered and upset, it’s the best idea to take some distance. I can not be this lonely to keep this friendship at all. From here on out, I’m reaching out to my friend in the states. I’ll ask permission today if I can do that, I’m sure he won’t mind.
Saturday afternoon I polish off another cool, crisp, white Karen and watch Netflix and dazed in and out. Alcohol totally wrecks my sleep, the past 2 nights have sucked immensely. Definitely not drinking today so hopefully, by Tuesday I will be solid with my sleep. I also decided to drop flowers to a treat, not in the house. I have been over smoking to cope and feel so much better when I don’t numb out. I want to use flower to be creative and check out when I need to only. I want to have these feelings and get past them. I have been ruled by my emotions negatively and want to be more in control and respectful.
Sunday morning I have that hangxiety I typically have so I treat myself to a bowl and warm lime water. Ease into the day as I have a massage at 11 am today with a repeat client so I need to be on point.
I loved feeling healthy the past few days before Karen took over my weekend. I wore my mermaid leggings yesterday and felt so healthy thin, I love the lack of heaviness and feeling healthy strong. It’s worth eating right and no alcohol and it was only a few short days. Imagine a month of being this person? I bet it’s amazing and I want it. Checked the calendar and let the adventure begin!