Will I Ever Be Ready To?

I have been up since 3 am overwhelmed with emotions about what to do and it is causing a shadow over every part of my life. I’m so unsure of everything and after yesterday’s cumulative shit storm has my nervous system all wrecked today.  I watched Netflixs, which I rarely do, to distract and numb out. It felt good for an hour or so, yet here I am at 7 am deciding if I am going to drink today. I even thought about canceling my class and just to hang with Karen instead. Makes zero sense, as I always feel better after teaching. 

Now is that the alcohol talking or me escaping all these feelings?  Keep drinking or do I power through and get sober now, will I ever get sober? I’m crying as I type, feeling like a failure just for thinking this way. I believe I literally picked the hardest time, to let Karen go, I need better-coping methods.  COVID has really been one of the toughest moments and I want to enjoy how lucky I am to be here. I’m tired of feeling alone and Karen is always around, always.  Even my therapist said her drinking has picked up and they are starting to taper back.  

Last nights advice totally sucked but I have heard this before here.  Mr. OCD has told me many times to be friends with everyone but be friends with no one.  Always sounded like terrible advice to me and he is a very lonely man. In the States, I only worked with people I didn’t care for, rarely socialized.  I get playing nice as in it’s a smaller community however I don’t want to hang out with people for the sake of not being alone. There is a lot of high functioning alcoholics here within the ex-pat community and we are all on island time.  Since we can’t be out after 5 pm they day drink a lot and I don’t want to hang out with that.  

I feel it in my soul that I don’t want to adopt fake friends just for the sake of hanging out. There are house parties a lot right now and I never get invited. It’s upsetting but I wouldn’t go anyways because it’s not my people. A few are but then I would need to tolerate a lot and I would rather not. It is more of a reminder how I miss seeing people I care about, not the coconut tree gossip line in the Bay. Since I have come on this rock 6 years ago I have been searching for my inner circle and still struggling to find it. I have made a few good girlfriends however most of them have left for a reason or another. Then typically I meet a fella, we buddy up and that’s the end of my loneliness.  It’s not an option at the moment and it was is the only reason I have been calling my ex. I miss having a friend, not him honestly however he’s not interested without sex and I have zero interest. I tried that love the one you are with and back to the drawing board.  He is still blocked and no calling any other ex’s. 

I’m trying to think if I had a car would it be different? This morning I was also thinking who would I drive to hang out with?  I do have a handful of friends and once I have the freedom of a car I will meet new people right?  Maybe I’m not finding my community because of the lack of wheels or because I am not being the kind of person I want to be friends with.  I love blaming myself so I can fix it. It’s my fault that I have these feelings right? No one can make you feel anything I am choosing this and it sucks. 

My other tizzy is my dad is on the fence about coming to the rock and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or not. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it here without him here. Well, that is not entirely true. I can make it anywhere but it feels that way.  If my dad was here it would be so refreshing to have his love and company. We won’t pal around all the time, we both love our space, just knowing he is here and has my back would be a huge relief.  It’s more emotional support than anything else.  My dad is an out of sight, out of mind person.  We rarely talk now but it is always a good conversation.  

Getting on with the day now.  I love my new morning routine and will get pumped for class. I really love teaching and wish it paid more. Now after class I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I have a meeting with Mr. Hotel hopefully and that will gain a little clarity.  I have a going-away party at 4 that should be a great time but it’s loaded with triggers so I may stay home with Karen. Shaking my head just thinking about it. I need to let her go, will I ever be ready to? 

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