Keep Cutting

I should have seen this coming a mile away.  My dad really hurt me this time.
2 weeks ago I called him for advice on what I am trying to create now in my life.  I spoke to him about moving back to the states and he chimed in “I will come back”. This will be his third time coming to the island and it felt amazing. He offered to pay for everything and help me while I go back to school, I was high as a kite. I told all kinds of people, I was so sure my life was going in the right direction. 30 minutes before my financial meeting on Sunday he told me “I am taking me moving there off the table, love you.”  This hurts every part of me. I had been asking for a phone call since he brought this up and he would only message me. That should have been the sign this was going to cut me again.  There is a big part of me that thinks he will ignore me for awhile as he has in the past. So do I rip the band aid or let him keep cutting me?

I was in the shower when that message came and was confused, then mad and had to power on. I loved my meeting and felt super pumped. Did some action items and was going along full steam. Thinking my dad was waffling and he would reach out in a few hours. He didn’t and hasn’t, I wasn’t ready and so I drank starting Wednesday, blew off work and have ever since. It’s Friday morning and I am counting the minutes till the gas station is open so I can pick up Karen. My body is shaking from dehydration and I’m so sad. I’m thankful it’s not drugs but hanging with Karen is not working any longer and making me sick.  I desperately reached out to an ex Wednesday night and he put up with me for a couple of days in hopes of sex  He asked if I missed him, without blinking I responded I don’t miss crying and you treat me like my dad. I didn’t even think about it, the words just flew out and it was so true. He ignores me just like my dad and it never dawned on me till then. Sober me won’t entertain this guy, I blocked him everywhere and drunk me wants attention however I can get it. I wake up alone in his bed Thursday fully clothed while he is walking the dogs and for the first time ever I did what I never thought I would. I opened his phone. He was on his phone a lot these past few days and hiding, and sure as shit, he had Tinder messages.  I stormed out of the house, all dramatic and butt hurt. He said it was something from before and blah blah blah. Whatever lies he felt like saying and lost myself in a few beers. Around 8 am I went to a friends house and blew off work and I will again today. Why? 

I have been alone for so long now and I hate it. The 3 people I asked for help in this sober adventure are busy and not responsive. Asking sick people to help me is not helping but who do you know right now that is healthy? I need help, I want help however I keep asking the wrong people. I even tried paying for help and got nothing. The store is open in 30 minutes and it should be raining all day. I’m turning my phone off and fuck off this entire day. I know this is a mistake but I don’t want to stop it. I want to stop feeling all of this.

I’m will get past this, just not today. I have been alone almost all my life and I don’t know why it still hurts. My dad has fully ignored me for years at a time and this feels like it again. The question is do I allow that again or do I take a stand? My childhood I was alone a lot. Moved between parents and other family members often without my sisters, I have always been alone. It’s safer this way I suppose but I fully believe in community and I wish I could find mine.

2 thoughts on “Keep Cutting”

  1. My goodness, your journal entries sound very much like me 15 years ago… except I didn’t live on an island! Guess it doesn’t matter much, the problems are the same everywhere. What would I even say to my younger self? I used to get very drunk and make bad decisions. I never even considered a month sober, so you’re already in a better position than I was. I wasn’t good at being alone and always wanted the attention of a guy…. was very guilty of drunkenly calling/texting/e-mailing until oh… hmmm… well after my first marriage ended into my mid 30’s. Practice how to wait. Practice how to be patient. You will not be alone forever. You are not a loser if you spend a night at home alone reading “quit lit” or commenting on random wordpress blogs. Keep going out and trying to make new connections, you sounds good at it, go to places where you will find sober people. So many people feel lonely right now, you will find the right ones who add positivity to your life. Ok that’s all for now, I’m far from having it all figured out, but I do remember what it was like and wish I’d laid off the booze sooner.


    1. Thank you for the kind words and I believe I’m getting better all the time. Even when fail I am trying to find the lesson. Today I am alcohol-free for the 2nd day in a row and I already feel so much better. recently I landed where my growth is going to be for work and have something to learn and gravitate too.

      Thank you for being the person that reaches out to others, this came at a perfect time.

      Liked by 1 person

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