Time to be a boss babe, alcohol free. These past few days I have cried more than I can ever remember. My eyes literally burn from all of this and feeling hopeless as I’m trying to put it all back together.
I turned my phone off for several days and been checked out mentally all week. I tried to piece it together in my mind and create a timeline but it’s messy. I started drinking on Tuesday and Saturday 3am in the morning here I am. I’m tired, worn out, alone, thirsty and wish I had stopped this madness sooner. I’m happy to start now.
My dad ghosted me for a week, then yesterday I get a random message from him that I should maybe move back to the states. I was already drunk and replied maybe you should leave me alone, like you always do. WTF this was so dumb. I want him in my life need to communicate better, much better. An hour later I sent a message apologizing and then he apologized but I will need to keep my distance. I can’t allow him or anyone to hurt me right now, I’m fragile.
That is the first time I have said that about myself. It’s so wildly true in every single way right now, I’m fragile. I should have known that reaching out to my ex was mistake but I really wanted a hug. I want someone to care about me, to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok. My dad did that, then he changed his mind and then ghosted me for a week. How can I want love when this is my experience?
Now what. Well I’m not sure but today is a good day to start right? Thankfully through this last week I didn’t create any messes to clean up and I will have my car any day now. I did let my slip show to a few people but that makes me human right? I wish so bad I wasn’t alone and I don’t know where I belong anymore. One moment I was sure of my life and then to allow my dad to take me down so quick like that is scary. Front row on this roller coaster won’t always be smiles and good times, I know being sober I won’t be as fragile.