Weekend Recap – Dealing with Grief

The roller coaster continues, the weekend started off low and landed nice and sunny.  Saturday I was in terrible shape, filling in the spaces of my mind and body that were oozing with that amazing hungover anxiety and all the deep heavy hurt. I made a choice and did all the things I thought would heal me right now. I filled my weekend with water, self-care, and my first solo car ride in a very long time. I was still able to keep plugging forward, and today feels so much better in such a short time.  

Saturday was terrible as mentioned before. I woke up with a decent amount of hangover anxiety, body weakness, and simply sad. Like a lost pound puppy that has been starved for a few days in many ways. Friday I made a commitment to my financial advisor to meet up and a massage today, I had to stay sober and I did and had to stop myself a few times from calling it off. I have a few saving graces of taking steps forward even though I drank all week and I tried to hide. I am proud I made steps forward but is this a happing of luck or am I a high functioning alcoholic? I use to be a type A all the way, hmmm…. Anyways I’m taking the wins and reaping rewards already.  

I meditated, little yoga, drank my morning shake, loads of water, and no coffee. I wanted to drink and I knew when I made that comment to my appointment today he would have come anyways to check on me.  Do I want someone who is helping me with something that is scaring me in from moving on it? No, I want to be aware of this gift and run with it with every fiber in my being.  He was happy to see me and hugged me for the first time. I thanked him and we got to business mostly. We figured out the things I was worried about and what money can help with. I feel so empowered.  This money is my savings and I have been too scared to do anything with it that it’s doing nothing. I really should have bought this car a year ago, I was just to scared to start spending it and losing it all.  I know longer 100% feel that way and wildly thankful.  

The day continues and I stay gentle with myself.  I thought about working up a good sweat however I was pretty weak after the massage to the point I could only do a strong 60 minute and had to cancel the 90.  Reason #4,678 in Section C on why hanging with Karen sucks, she takes away my physical strength to do a job that I love and money earned. I’ll have to introduce you to Karen in-depth someday, she’s a real gem and so funny.  SMH

I get the best sleep ever and go on a good power walk after meditation, yoga, lime water, and coffee.  I felt amazing, sweaty and gross but relieved.  The gas for the hot water is out so I knew had to make a cool shower worth it.  I have a little propane tank just for the heater in the shower. I WhatsApp the truck and they will come up and fill it. Remember the other night I left the shower on 3 or 5 hours because I passed out, it was going to happen soon.  Reason #5,2578 why Karen sucks. 

Sunday was one of the best days in a long time.  A day of independence.  I had no idea what I was going to do exactly and I didn’t have to.  I got ready after my morning of goodness and took my sweet time. Asked a friend her plans so I can stop by, you know sometime that works for me.  Awesome.  I drove to buy tennis shoes that I have needed for almost a month. As I am loudly singing along to my music on the latest paved road going a fast 35 MPG I start to cry.  I am on my way to Payless Shoes to buy off-brand tennis shoes and I can’t remember the last time I had been that happy.  It felt so ridiculous and small.  I was overcome with happiness.  Before they had to be name brand and kind of pricey for tennis shoes, I feel it is a better shoe to protect my body period. I want my knees to work for as long as I live.  Why did I wait to do this? I am worth it and I worked hard for that money for this freedom.  

Saw my friend and had an amazing girl chat and then off to stop by the beach bar at work.  The coconut tree line told me it was packed and it was not a lie.  The busiest I have seen since March. I was thrilled and met with equal enthusiasm. I was never going out before because I was always in yoga pants and or a sweaty mess from walking anywhere from my place.  The hill is “muy grande”, no joke.  Today I was more collected than I could have been in some time simply from the walk.  Mr. Hotel even made a compliment and then asked if I was hiding from him.  I later told him I had a family thing and doing much better.  Thanked him for asking. 

Monday was a good simple day getting back on track from missing out last week. My students were forgiving and so much fun.  I really do love this work and location, you have seen my pictures right!?!   Continued on eating healthy and was even told I looked a little lean.  Dehydration or my clean diet besides wine? I’m going with the latter.  Massaged my friend for trade, blazed, and said good night.  Another day alcohol-free and I slept amazingly.  

Today another easy, fun class, easy computer catch up, and another massage. A good way to ease in the week. I had a lot of time these past few days to figure out what was going on.  On Friday night I was able to start to compartmentalize that I was sad.  I did this with my dog a decade or so back.  It was the first time I dealt with death that was close to me. 
The past week I was grieving my dad not coming here, ever and I drank.  My dream had been him to come here and when he offered this last time it felt this was the moment. This is when this is supposed to happen. Karen is walking out and my dad is walking in.  When that swiftly changed and then the silence I was that broken girl I am trying to mend. I was devastated and my neurological system hijacked me, this is the lesson I need to learn. How to be ready for something like this again and cope with my personal values and virtues in mind.

My dad is always welcome to come to the rock, on the other hand, I could possibly never see him again.  Who knows, I learned I can not make plans with him and he is trying his best.  I think it is a positive thing in the long run for me, I was so hopeful to have him here as emotional support. I checked out and coped with old ways.  This is a real wake up call and a prime example of what I am working on.  I need to be strong enough to understand it is ok to hurt and all those feeling, please be kind and add self-care instead of self-infliction to numb.  Self-care, nutritious food and rest is what was started on Saturday and will keep it going strong.  

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