I wanted to have a sober September and already failed. I don’t even know why I drank yesterday, is this just an autopilot habit or avoiding the narrative that I’m lonely? I was hoping by now I would be sober for 90 days yet I woke up around midnight to puke out yesterday’s wine. Now it’s 3 am and I’m burning up the keyboard.
These past few weeks I’ve had a lot of recent experiences of rejection and abandonment. Writing here was suppose to be therapeutic and staying anonymous was to allow freedom to blurt out all these feelings with no judgment. After a month of struggling alone, I invited a few friends to read this over and it has been a double edge sword and now I’m reluctant to write at all. So let’s start again.
I talked myself into Sober September, like many months before, and felt pretty solid about it. Then the loneliness settled in since I keep having experiences that reinforce this narrative. I have yet to hear anything from my dad and probably won’t for some time. My sister is trying to help me but her life is so full I barely fit in. She reads the blog, chimes in at rough times for a hot minute enough for me to lean on her but then vanishes into her life. The life coach I hired has fallen off as well. After 2 weeks of me trying to connect with her, I asked if I had done something wrong and she just said she was busy with her projects. I’m going to reach out again and see what can happen, at minimum I want her as a friend and she does amazing hair! Then to add to my illusion of not being worthy of friendships over the weekend 3 different “friends” had parties and no invitation came my way, even though they talked about these parties in front of me. I was able to ask one friend what was up and they said it was a simple oversight. I can’t believe that’s true and need to create new boundaries to protect myself. I need to understand that going through this transition I will need to let go of people that don’t support my path any longer and it is ok. Sober life will be great and I will make new friendships that support my new path, this is true.
I keep drinking in public to fit in and Tuesday was a shining example of what I want to avoid. I reluctantly went and hung out in a Candian ex-pat bar with a friend who I only drink with. I have always avoided the place but it was the only happening option because of COVID. I didn’t feel I had anywhere else to go or anyone to call so I hung out hoping someone would show up and I could have some interaction. Nope instead it was a handful of drunk people I avoid on the regular and yet I stayed since it was better than being alone. Is it though? To me, this is living below my values.
Hurricane Nana was coming to the rock so several long-distance friends sent messages checking in on me and asked “you have wine right”? The trigger was set and baited. After a few more messages I boogied to the gas station for last-minute supplies to hunker down. The local gas station is a great place to run into people and I was wishing for anyone to catch my eye. Sadly the petro station was empty. I didn’t want to come home alone so I bought a coffee and hoped someone would come in and brighten my day. After 30 minutes or so and no one I knew stopped by. Feeling defeated and knowing I will be alone I pick up 2 bottles and some snacks and that was that. I could have done so much work, gone to yoga class, hung out with someone, instead, I just sat here scrolling and drinking. SMH. Normally I can polish off a bottle in an hour and it took over 3 hours. Looking back now I think I really didn’t want to drink. So why did I? This is what I need to resolve so I quit coping and filling my time with booze.
Today is a new day and fingers crossed an alcohol-free one. I will be thrilled if I don’t drink the rest of the month and going to give a strong go at it. I am scared of all the emotions and being alone but this feeling right now is unbearable. I’m physically shaking a little and weak from getting sick earlier, mentally I’m full of despair and anxiety. Being sober can’t feel this bad, can it? Will it? I want to be curious on what it is like to be sober, not scared.