Ever heard of MSU’ing?  Making Shit Up is a real problem for me when I’m low and I haven’t thought about this in some time.  This concept was brought to me by a therapist ages ago and so relevant right now. My MSU’ing is so fierce and damaging, I would never allow a friend to talk to themselves this way, never. Now I am staying curious about what this behavior is.  Is it a trigger, response, coping method, a habit, or the effects chemically from alcohol, all I know it’s nasty and I need to stay aware.  When going down the alcohol drain my mind focuses on the negatives and the self chatter is horrendous, my eyes are weeping from the memories of the lies I try to tell myself. Most of these people who I think are abandoning me are dealing with their own struggles and trying the best they can.  I need to remember this, be gentle, and know their behavior is not about me.  

Taking everything so personally is something I am trying to grow with. Since making this sober shift slowly ( forward is forward) I will lose friends and change boundaries in relationships, this isn’t a bad thing but painful. I have a hard time letting people go since I don’t want people to give up on me like my mom. Over the course of 3 months, I have changed my relationship with a few people and hung on a few a little too long. I keep hearing you show people how to treat you and of course, I don’t want to believe that however, it is blatantly true.  My ex knows I will call him when I’m struggling and that is why I get the same results again and again. He is pleasantly blocked now and I have been able to pass him on the beach briefly with a smile and pleasantries . Talk about some growth on my end, in my past, I would avoid and be annoyed.  This rock is too small and not enough people here to be petty.  

The past 36 hours have been great surprisingly.  After puking up whatever was left I was never able to return to sleep.  I had to shower off the puke sweats a few times and finally, it was 6 am and the sun was rising and it all passed.  Tropical Storm Nana hit the day before and was to stay around a few days with showers however it ended up being a beautiful day.  After a great morning meditation, I started to reflect on what I do know.  I love the feeling of knowing compared to MSU’ing.  Did I know my friends/family were not including me on purpose? No, I have no idea. If these people are my friends why not ask them directly? This terrible habit of sitting at home with Karen wallowing in self-doubt and so many other nasty thoughts that are simply not true needs to end.  If these thoughts are wildly true then these people are not my friends and I don’t need to go there. I know sometimes I am not invited since I’ve been public about my alcohol worries and that is ok.  I can’t play with everyone all the time. 

Yesterday ended up being super productive. I cleaned the house and washed the sheets, this is something I crave.  Having a clean organized house brings me so much peace, plus fresh bed sheets are amazing!  I focused on my self-care starting with flossing of course. It blows my mind how this little habit is such a catalyst for the rest of my day.  It definitely showed me how important a morning routine for me is and to keep at it even when I don’t want to. Then I boogied off to the supermarket in my new car and what a boost this was, freedom!! My inner fat kid was screaming on the inside and I overdid it on the groceries, way too excited about shopping alone at my own time and pace. Later completed a bunch of little tasks that are building my new path including something so exciting. I have found my path on how to grow my skill sets and narrowed it down to 2 schools, you guys are gonna love this and more info once the details solidify. 

Feeling pumped I reached out to a few friends who I thought were jerks and no surprise they were just wrapped up in their own details. Sometimes I think people should know I am hurting but unless I tell them they would never know.  I’m typically upbeat, bubbly, and super confident so when I need help I have to ask and be honest.  That my friends is hard at the moment but I am sure I will get there soon.  Once I settle into my new space with alcohol I feel I will attract my tribe with my good vibes.  My passion has always beamed from me and easily effects others effortlessly.  A seed needs to crack in order to grow and that is all the feels at this moment. 

After chatting with my hair Guru she wanted to come over and chat about her latest adventure, you know whatever I thought she was avoiding me with. SMH, she was hustling for her passion and so happy to share that with her.  We chatted, pulled some cards, talked about the past two weeks and the up and coming.  It was a huge relief to have her here and knowing I was totally MSU’ing. At night that is when the loneliness sets in and been filling it with Karen and food, none of that tonight. Right now I am replacing food with wine for the moment but it’s starting to make a difference in my weight and not just in my boobs. Still sexy no matter how much my jiggle is in my wiggle.

Today seems like a great day ahead as well.  My morning routine is complete and class at the hotel in a bit. I can not express how much teaching and helping others is such a lift for me and I will always be grateful this is a part of my life.  This afternoon is a little tricky. I’m suppose to go to the brewery with friends and my body feels nervous about it. I want to go and socialize, I miss people so damn much but I will be without my car and my friends will be drinking.  I use to be able to go into a bar and not drink all the time, maybe not today. Right now typing this my physical body reacts and my mind is trying to justify just one is ok.  I can not tell you when I only had one by my own choice, ever. 

The goal for the next few weeks is to witness when I’m MSU’ing and staying honest with myself and people I want to call friends.  Not sure what MSU’ing is but it has a stronghold on me and I’m ready to let it go. 

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