Alone and Not Lonely

Waking up feeling great surprisingly. I drank a whole bottle of wine last night and ate a bunch of cheese. So interesting to reflect on how a bad habit builds to the other, then the next, etc… It’s been a slow few days and the first time I am actually nervous about COVID. For a long time I wasn’t nervous to die from COVID but to give it to other people, that fear is still there and now heightened. Recently I learned you may not die from COVID however it can still have lasting side effects like lung scarring and you can’t dive any more after. I would need to move to the mountains or something, that’s why i’m here. (reminder, ding ding go diving, it’s been 2 weeks!) That really hit home. I may not die from COVID but what are the long term effects from having the virus? No one knows just yet, holy crap.

Why did I hang with Karen yesterday? I was curious or maybe old habit or both, I dunno know. I have been alone a lot lately because I physically still feel really tired all the time and COVID is now hit my neighborhood but not lonely. The tiredness could from the lack of caffeine or a friend from the island thinks I have a real mild form of Dengue since I have joint pain still. I also have a pinched nerve on the left side and I can’t lay on my back. Back to Karen, I really hadn’t missed her at all or been tempted. I haven’t been out to eat in a week so it really hits home like it was a habit there. I was definitely coping too and will again if drinking is brought into my life on a full swing. That sentence rings so humbly and true. I know that Alcohol has to have a limit and that is why I have shame. Hanging with Karen isn’t a part of my core beliefs of who I am and I feel shame when I am not honoring myself thus using it as a coping tool it’s harmful to me. Done. Let’s hope. I feel solid I have 2 days with Karen out of 13 (I’m counting today because I know it’s true ; ), that’s only 15% of the month! For some months it was in reverse, ok maybe a year or so too. Here we are today. Happy and wanting a coffee with a perfectly toasted cut lengthwise croissants, goat cheese whipped with herb infusion and delicate light fresh wild salad, overlooking a natural space, a slight breeze and water creating the playlist either by the sea, river, fountain….. let that sink in, resonate and feel so good. I revel in it.

After being with Karen for 85% of the time in the mornings I typically was in a fog, trying to piece meal the night before, push myself to coffee, sweat, shower and figure out the day. I was on autopilot, going through the motions and not living life with the zest of all the goodness around me. This is why Karen sucks, she stops me from living my best life. Period. If I could go back and tell my younger self anything is that life is way more fun without alcohol most of the time. I do have some amazing tipsy moments and I will never let them go but make it the 15%. I think I am in love with this new idea. I am still striving for 0% Karen for curiosity but loving the ease of the 15%. Feels good and a big win!

This entire time about COVID I have been a little lax since we were in a controlled bubble, very controlled. We locked down, zero circulation, in March and you could not leave your home, nothing was open and only essential workers for banks, grocery store, hospital and pharmacy were the only thing open. You could only drive on a day that coincided with your last digit on your ID Card/Visa so once every 2 weeks. Delivery of anything you needed was heavily suggested. Slowly we opened a few times and then had to retract and here we are today. September 12, 2020 over 500 confirmed cases with so many more unwilling or unable to be tested. We can drive if we have a car rental or a tourist the island is open to you every day 7am till 8pm. If you live here you can only drive 1 every rolling 10 days now. Everything can be open, tourist from the mainland are coming everyday via ferry and plane, the ferry to neighboring islands starts tomorrow as well.

I have a big issue with the church here at the moment too. The leader was at dinner this Monday with one of my friends, total of 3 couples, my friend and partner tested positive for COVID on Tuesday/Wednesday one has symptoms. The leader then has church Friday morning and I feel this is highly irresponsible. It can take up to 5 days to 2 weeks for symptoms and the earliest he could have responsibly been tested was Thursday night I believe. This is why I am scared, he is a pillar in the community and all these events are highly public and lots of people. This is exactly how it spreads. It got back to the leader that I was telling people he had COVID, so he sent a nice letter to quit talking. I said it was the truth he was exposed on Monday and lead church on Friday morning, nothing more. I spoke to a friend who is in the meetings with the powers that be and he said I should report him. Instead I told the person who rents the space to the church. They do all the biosafety measures and I trust his lead on it for the safety of the hotel and all the people that church alone can have an impact on. For me, I’m staying away from everyone till this settles down. I won’t be able to work but I won’t be spending money either. Fuck, this is getting real.

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