Today Feels Good

I have been thinking about what to do with this platform. I want it to be my outlet and educational for me to learn from and others. How do you quantify my life is better? How long is the test ran for? I have been sans alcohol before and I don’t remember it being a rip-roaring good time. Sigh almost every tragic time has involved alcohol one way or another I’m pretty sure. How to measure my success is what I have been toying with lately.

I have been more sans alcohol that not lately and trying other spirits, you know to blame cheap Karen dates not all alcohol is bad. Honestly, I do feel a hell of a lot better after only 2 glasses of decent wine or nicely made margaritas of quality, not over poured vacation drinks. On the rock, I feel the sense of over pouring is highly appreciated over a decent tasting cocktail. I remind my bartenders they are not doing me or my date any favors. Last week I asked for a virgin mojito and was returned with a blank stare from the barmaid. I smiled, repeated my order, and shook my head yes a few time, in turn, she replied “that’s stupid, it’s the same price”. I asked her to put my drink in the blender with extra mint, it was stupid delicious.

With the new awareness of drinking and not, trying to blame a certain kind of alcohol over another is wild and all the other time/brain space I waste thinking about drinking. So much of my time wasted when it could be just no. That is what I want from alcohol like it’s an afterthought, not the main stage like it grew to be. Recently I was trying to get a group of women together for a fancy tea and pool time, no takers. For the same price, we instead had brunch with free-flowing mimosas! Really. This is alcohol in my life and I’m ready to navigate to a new path.

I am in process of many changes and a little nervous about not feeling stable. I do know this path will heal me and help me gain the freedom, flexibility, and overall feeling good and help others in the process. So I’m going to keep leaning into my sobriety and find what resonates with me and leave the rest.

Alone and Not Lonely

Waking up feeling great surprisingly. I drank a whole bottle of wine last night and ate a bunch of cheese. So interesting to reflect on how a bad habit builds to the other, then the next, etc… It’s been a slow few days and the first time I am actually nervous about COVID. For a long time I wasn’t nervous to die from COVID but to give it to other people, that fear is still there and now heightened. Recently I learned you may not die from COVID however it can still have lasting side effects like lung scarring and you can’t dive any more after. I would need to move to the mountains or something, that’s why i’m here. (reminder, ding ding go diving, it’s been 2 weeks!) That really hit home. I may not die from COVID but what are the long term effects from having the virus? No one knows just yet, holy crap.

Why did I hang with Karen yesterday? I was curious or maybe old habit or both, I dunno know. I have been alone a lot lately because I physically still feel really tired all the time and COVID is now hit my neighborhood but not lonely. The tiredness could from the lack of caffeine or a friend from the island thinks I have a real mild form of Dengue since I have joint pain still. I also have a pinched nerve on the left side and I can’t lay on my back. Back to Karen, I really hadn’t missed her at all or been tempted. I haven’t been out to eat in a week so it really hits home like it was a habit there. I was definitely coping too and will again if drinking is brought into my life on a full swing. That sentence rings so humbly and true. I know that Alcohol has to have a limit and that is why I have shame. Hanging with Karen isn’t a part of my core beliefs of who I am and I feel shame when I am not honoring myself thus using it as a coping tool it’s harmful to me. Done. Let’s hope. I feel solid I have 2 days with Karen out of 13 (I’m counting today because I know it’s true ; ), that’s only 15% of the month! For some months it was in reverse, ok maybe a year or so too. Here we are today. Happy and wanting a coffee with a perfectly toasted cut lengthwise croissants, goat cheese whipped with herb infusion and delicate light fresh wild salad, overlooking a natural space, a slight breeze and water creating the playlist either by the sea, river, fountain….. let that sink in, resonate and feel so good. I revel in it.

After being with Karen for 85% of the time in the mornings I typically was in a fog, trying to piece meal the night before, push myself to coffee, sweat, shower and figure out the day. I was on autopilot, going through the motions and not living life with the zest of all the goodness around me. This is why Karen sucks, she stops me from living my best life. Period. If I could go back and tell my younger self anything is that life is way more fun without alcohol most of the time. I do have some amazing tipsy moments and I will never let them go but make it the 15%. I think I am in love with this new idea. I am still striving for 0% Karen for curiosity but loving the ease of the 15%. Feels good and a big win!

This entire time about COVID I have been a little lax since we were in a controlled bubble, very controlled. We locked down, zero circulation, in March and you could not leave your home, nothing was open and only essential workers for banks, grocery store, hospital and pharmacy were the only thing open. You could only drive on a day that coincided with your last digit on your ID Card/Visa so once every 2 weeks. Delivery of anything you needed was heavily suggested. Slowly we opened a few times and then had to retract and here we are today. September 12, 2020 over 500 confirmed cases with so many more unwilling or unable to be tested. We can drive if we have a car rental or a tourist the island is open to you every day 7am till 8pm. If you live here you can only drive 1 every rolling 10 days now. Everything can be open, tourist from the mainland are coming everyday via ferry and plane, the ferry to neighboring islands starts tomorrow as well.

I have a big issue with the church here at the moment too. The leader was at dinner this Monday with one of my friends, total of 3 couples, my friend and partner tested positive for COVID on Tuesday/Wednesday one has symptoms. The leader then has church Friday morning and I feel this is highly irresponsible. It can take up to 5 days to 2 weeks for symptoms and the earliest he could have responsibly been tested was Thursday night I believe. This is why I am scared, he is a pillar in the community and all these events are highly public and lots of people. This is exactly how it spreads. It got back to the leader that I was telling people he had COVID, so he sent a nice letter to quit talking. I said it was the truth he was exposed on Monday and lead church on Friday morning, nothing more. I spoke to a friend who is in the meetings with the powers that be and he said I should report him. Instead I told the person who rents the space to the church. They do all the biosafety measures and I trust his lead on it for the safety of the hotel and all the people that church alone can have an impact on. For me, I’m staying away from everyone till this settles down. I won’t be able to work but I won’t be spending money either. Fuck, this is getting real.

Get Off My Plate

I keep wanting to make this perfect, then another day passes, another day passes. I feel I am putting hte cart before the horse and now I just need to simply do. Leaving the below here it’s a reacp of the week and big surprise I was alcohol free the entire time!

You know that perfect thing I said I was working on, well I didn’t do that well with it.  LOL, awareness is the first step. Ding! Even better news I’m alcohol-free 10 days in a row, woot woot! Wow, what a week it’s been, I actually had to go back and read when I last left a blog. I am tripping up on how to be the best at it right away and creating content for this to manifest into something. Trying to take the right picture, type a good recap with certain points, loosely create the vision or the right phrase to say, etc…  Nope, this space is for me to cry my little or big heart out, to reflect and learn lessons, to dump my mind and help me let go of emotions so I  stay on my path for growth later.  So let’s talk about last week. 

The weekend was hard but in way that I managed it without hanging out with Karen. Staying out of the bars is a good idea for the time being but that means I need to be a little more creative with my time, luckily I have a car now. Sunday was a Wowza, I woke up with the worst headache/body ache in my life. My hair follicles even hurt and I couldn’t move too quickly.  I quit all sugars, wine, and caffeine in the same week. I allowed myself to eat a block of cheese over the course of 3 days, no sugar right? Well, I never bring cheese in the house since I eat the veggie life at home, and with too much cheese I had a new set of issues. Laughing and shaking my head at the same time, I know better and teach people to lean into change. What do I do, go balls to the walls!  Feeling I can be perfect and do it all at the same time.  Lesson received and learned.  Feeling much better recently. 

This week was highlighted by COVID, it finally landed in the bay.  We have been very sheltered and closed off since March and people are very restless and careless.  Everyone has had their maids, workers back for 3 months, eating out, having parties, and rarely social distancing amongst certain groups like the bay.  now and mainlanders are arriving every day with no testing. About 50-75 ex-pats are returning every Saturday for the past 2 weeks, they are tested but ready to party! On Tuesday I was told there are 3 households with COVID and then a friend and her hubby caught it, then another and another. The only issue is it’s not surprising since they stopped social distancing amongst each other and really only using the mask to walk in and out of places. How does that make sense, please pee only on this side of the pool.  Honestly, most of us have let our guards down in many ways, till now. 
Work has slowed down and may stop completely. I’m keeping my head up since I know I am working my way to break from the chains of in-person to virtual and looking forward to learning new things.  After forever searching and weighing options I have decided to get my National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach certification and help people live healthier lifestyles and be billable by insurance. This feels amazing and I’m wonderfully excited since this aligns with where I am and where I am going. 

All this and I have been sober and it was easy. Granted I stayed home mostly since I was weak from my diet detox sickness and not making much money.  The goal right now is to only spend what I bring in and have been doing ok with that so far, the very near future isn’t looking so bright. I did venture into the stores a few times and wasn’t tempted once to buy wine, I really wasn’t into it at all and walked right past Karen. It feels rather freeing on one hand and then sad since I had to let a few more people go. 


Ever heard of MSU’ing?  Making Shit Up is a real problem for me when I’m low and I haven’t thought about this in some time.  This concept was brought to me by a therapist ages ago and so relevant right now. My MSU’ing is so fierce and damaging, I would never allow a friend to talk to themselves this way, never. Now I am staying curious about what this behavior is.  Is it a trigger, response, coping method, a habit, or the effects chemically from alcohol, all I know it’s nasty and I need to stay aware.  When going down the alcohol drain my mind focuses on the negatives and the self chatter is horrendous, my eyes are weeping from the memories of the lies I try to tell myself. Most of these people who I think are abandoning me are dealing with their own struggles and trying the best they can.  I need to remember this, be gentle, and know their behavior is not about me.  

Taking everything so personally is something I am trying to grow with. Since making this sober shift slowly ( forward is forward) I will lose friends and change boundaries in relationships, this isn’t a bad thing but painful. I have a hard time letting people go since I don’t want people to give up on me like my mom. Over the course of 3 months, I have changed my relationship with a few people and hung on a few a little too long. I keep hearing you show people how to treat you and of course, I don’t want to believe that however, it is blatantly true.  My ex knows I will call him when I’m struggling and that is why I get the same results again and again. He is pleasantly blocked now and I have been able to pass him on the beach briefly with a smile and pleasantries . Talk about some growth on my end, in my past, I would avoid and be annoyed.  This rock is too small and not enough people here to be petty.  

The past 36 hours have been great surprisingly.  After puking up whatever was left I was never able to return to sleep.  I had to shower off the puke sweats a few times and finally, it was 6 am and the sun was rising and it all passed.  Tropical Storm Nana hit the day before and was to stay around a few days with showers however it ended up being a beautiful day.  After a great morning meditation, I started to reflect on what I do know.  I love the feeling of knowing compared to MSU’ing.  Did I know my friends/family were not including me on purpose? No, I have no idea. If these people are my friends why not ask them directly? This terrible habit of sitting at home with Karen wallowing in self-doubt and so many other nasty thoughts that are simply not true needs to end.  If these thoughts are wildly true then these people are not my friends and I don’t need to go there. I know sometimes I am not invited since I’ve been public about my alcohol worries and that is ok.  I can’t play with everyone all the time. 

Yesterday ended up being super productive. I cleaned the house and washed the sheets, this is something I crave.  Having a clean organized house brings me so much peace, plus fresh bed sheets are amazing!  I focused on my self-care starting with flossing of course. It blows my mind how this little habit is such a catalyst for the rest of my day.  It definitely showed me how important a morning routine for me is and to keep at it even when I don’t want to. Then I boogied off to the supermarket in my new car and what a boost this was, freedom!! My inner fat kid was screaming on the inside and I overdid it on the groceries, way too excited about shopping alone at my own time and pace. Later completed a bunch of little tasks that are building my new path including something so exciting. I have found my path on how to grow my skill sets and narrowed it down to 2 schools, you guys are gonna love this and more info once the details solidify. 

Feeling pumped I reached out to a few friends who I thought were jerks and no surprise they were just wrapped up in their own details. Sometimes I think people should know I am hurting but unless I tell them they would never know.  I’m typically upbeat, bubbly, and super confident so when I need help I have to ask and be honest.  That my friends is hard at the moment but I am sure I will get there soon.  Once I settle into my new space with alcohol I feel I will attract my tribe with my good vibes.  My passion has always beamed from me and easily effects others effortlessly.  A seed needs to crack in order to grow and that is all the feels at this moment. 

After chatting with my hair Guru she wanted to come over and chat about her latest adventure, you know whatever I thought she was avoiding me with. SMH, she was hustling for her passion and so happy to share that with her.  We chatted, pulled some cards, talked about the past two weeks and the up and coming.  It was a huge relief to have her here and knowing I was totally MSU’ing. At night that is when the loneliness sets in and been filling it with Karen and food, none of that tonight. Right now I am replacing food with wine for the moment but it’s starting to make a difference in my weight and not just in my boobs. Still sexy no matter how much my jiggle is in my wiggle.

Today seems like a great day ahead as well.  My morning routine is complete and class at the hotel in a bit. I can not express how much teaching and helping others is such a lift for me and I will always be grateful this is a part of my life.  This afternoon is a little tricky. I’m suppose to go to the brewery with friends and my body feels nervous about it. I want to go and socialize, I miss people so damn much but I will be without my car and my friends will be drinking.  I use to be able to go into a bar and not drink all the time, maybe not today. Right now typing this my physical body reacts and my mind is trying to justify just one is ok.  I can not tell you when I only had one by my own choice, ever. 

The goal for the next few weeks is to witness when I’m MSU’ing and staying honest with myself and people I want to call friends.  Not sure what MSU’ing is but it has a stronghold on me and I’m ready to let it go. 

Sober Curious

I wanted to have a sober September and already failed. I don’t even know why I drank yesterday, is this just an autopilot habit or avoiding the narrative that I’m lonely? I was hoping by now I would be sober for 90 days yet I woke up around midnight to puke out yesterday’s wine. Now it’s 3 am and I’m burning up the keyboard.

These past few weeks I’ve had a lot of recent experiences of rejection and abandonment. Writing here was suppose to be therapeutic and staying anonymous was to allow freedom to blurt out all these feelings with no judgment. After a month of struggling alone, I invited a few friends to read this over and it has been a double edge sword and now I’m reluctant to write at all.  So let’s start again. 

I talked myself into Sober September, like many months before, and felt pretty solid about it. Then the loneliness settled in since I keep having experiences that reinforce this narrative. I have yet to hear anything from my dad and probably won’t for some time.  My sister is trying to help me but her life is so full I barely fit in. She reads the blog, chimes in at rough times for a hot minute enough for me to lean on her but then vanishes into her life. The life coach I hired has fallen off as well. After 2 weeks of me trying to connect with her, I asked if I had done something wrong and she just said she was busy with her projects. I’m going to reach out again and see what can happen, at minimum I want her as a friend and she does amazing hair! Then to add to my illusion of not being worthy of friendships over the weekend 3 different “friends” had parties and no invitation came my way, even though they talked about these parties in front of me. I was able to ask one friend what was up and they said it was a simple oversight. I can’t believe that’s true and need to create new boundaries to protect myself. I need to understand that going through this transition I will need to let go of people that don’t support my path any longer and it is ok. Sober life will be great and I will make new friendships that support my new path, this is true.   

I keep drinking in public to fit in and Tuesday was a shining example of what I want to avoid.  I reluctantly went and hung out in a Candian ex-pat bar with a friend who I only drink with. I have always avoided the place but it was the only happening option because of COVID. I didn’t feel I had anywhere else to go or anyone to call so I hung out hoping someone would show up and I could have some interaction. Nope instead it was a handful of drunk people I avoid on the regular and yet I stayed since it was better than being alone. Is it though? To me, this is living below my values.   

Hurricane Nana was coming to the rock so several long-distance friends sent messages checking in on me and asked “you have wine right”?  The trigger was set and baited. After a few more messages I boogied to the gas station for last-minute supplies to hunker down. The local gas station is a great place to run into people and I was wishing for anyone to catch my eye. Sadly the petro station was empty.  I didn’t want to come home alone so I bought a coffee and hoped someone would come in and brighten my day. After 30 minutes or so and no one I knew stopped by.  Feeling defeated and knowing I will be alone I pick up 2 bottles and some snacks and that was that.  I could have done so much work, gone to yoga class, hung out with someone, instead, I just sat here scrolling and drinking. SMH. Normally I can polish off a bottle in an hour and it took over 3 hours. Looking back now I think I really didn’t want to drink.  So why did I? This is what I need to resolve so I quit coping and filling my time with booze. 

Today is a new day and fingers crossed an alcohol-free one.  I will be thrilled if I don’t drink the rest of the month and going to give a strong go at it. I am scared of all the emotions and being alone but this feeling right now is unbearable. I’m physically shaking a little and weak from getting sick earlier, mentally I’m full of despair and anxiety. Being sober can’t feel this bad, can it? Will it? I want to be curious on what it is like to be sober, not scared.

Showing Up Is More Important Than Perfection

This little sentence is tripping me up. I want perfection, I am tired of saying AF Day 1 so I make excuses and it’s not working.  Maybe I’m not ready to be AF but today I give zero f’s because it’s about that time. Start my theme song!

The past few days I wanted to post every day, I wanted to talk to Mr.JS, yoga, dive, and a few other things. I kept putting it off for this reason and this reason, not perfect bail. I set this up to be anonymous so I would be wild “Sex In the City” honest and instead, I haven’t been posting. I need the perfect picture, my writing doesn’t feel strong or I don’t want people to know, is this true to only me or etc…. I am neither that exciting nor able to be perfect like the SITC ladies however that is not what this is about.  This is about going through, continuing forward, and the adventurous along the way.  Are you ready too? 

I encourage people every day to show up in their daily practices and here I am not showing up in mine at the moment. SMH and a little bit of laughing. Wow, see how mean that sentence is, jeez.  I have been making steps forward every day, even on those days with Karen. Some times I am my best and worst student, fun fact about being a teacher you’re a forever student.  I was sad that I’m not doing my self-care like flossing every day. Flossing is important for your health and longevity so here I am not flossing.  Do I want to become sick early and die? Really? Stop worrying, show up, and floss. This is how sick I can be if I let myself go down the drain with alcohol and not tending to my self-care. I was picking on myself for not flossing, seeing how crippling something so minor and simple can be, this is scary a little.  Flossing is pretty awesome by the way friends. Tooth and nerve I recommend daily.  

Anyhow, yesterday it started. Not perfection, showing up, and being present. I have so many great things moving around and waiting for my actual car, beep-beep that is a game-changer. I should know Sunday what school I will be attending and with Karen I am going to be curious in September. Curious and approach more like an experiment, see how many days I can be AF and when I partake reflect why. Instead of beating myself up because I had one? I’ve been able to walk away before many times so it’s confusing, maybe COVID has me in a tizzy and this was a terrible timing or maybe this is exactly what I needed to finally say goodbye to Karen once and for all? All hands are on deck, adventure awaits! 

Weekend Recap – Dealing with Grief

The roller coaster continues, the weekend started off low and landed nice and sunny.  Saturday I was in terrible shape, filling in the spaces of my mind and body that were oozing with that amazing hungover anxiety and all the deep heavy hurt. I made a choice and did all the things I thought would heal me right now. I filled my weekend with water, self-care, and my first solo car ride in a very long time. I was still able to keep plugging forward, and today feels so much better in such a short time.  

Saturday was terrible as mentioned before. I woke up with a decent amount of hangover anxiety, body weakness, and simply sad. Like a lost pound puppy that has been starved for a few days in many ways. Friday I made a commitment to my financial advisor to meet up and a massage today, I had to stay sober and I did and had to stop myself a few times from calling it off. I have a few saving graces of taking steps forward even though I drank all week and I tried to hide. I am proud I made steps forward but is this a happing of luck or am I a high functioning alcoholic? I use to be a type A all the way, hmmm…. Anyways I’m taking the wins and reaping rewards already.  

I meditated, little yoga, drank my morning shake, loads of water, and no coffee. I wanted to drink and I knew when I made that comment to my appointment today he would have come anyways to check on me.  Do I want someone who is helping me with something that is scaring me in from moving on it? No, I want to be aware of this gift and run with it with every fiber in my being.  He was happy to see me and hugged me for the first time. I thanked him and we got to business mostly. We figured out the things I was worried about and what money can help with. I feel so empowered.  This money is my savings and I have been too scared to do anything with it that it’s doing nothing. I really should have bought this car a year ago, I was just to scared to start spending it and losing it all.  I know longer 100% feel that way and wildly thankful.  

The day continues and I stay gentle with myself.  I thought about working up a good sweat however I was pretty weak after the massage to the point I could only do a strong 60 minute and had to cancel the 90.  Reason #4,678 in Section C on why hanging with Karen sucks, she takes away my physical strength to do a job that I love and money earned. I’ll have to introduce you to Karen in-depth someday, she’s a real gem and so funny.  SMH

I get the best sleep ever and go on a good power walk after meditation, yoga, lime water, and coffee.  I felt amazing, sweaty and gross but relieved.  The gas for the hot water is out so I knew had to make a cool shower worth it.  I have a little propane tank just for the heater in the shower. I WhatsApp the truck and they will come up and fill it. Remember the other night I left the shower on 3 or 5 hours because I passed out, it was going to happen soon.  Reason #5,2578 why Karen sucks. 

Sunday was one of the best days in a long time.  A day of independence.  I had no idea what I was going to do exactly and I didn’t have to.  I got ready after my morning of goodness and took my sweet time. Asked a friend her plans so I can stop by, you know sometime that works for me.  Awesome.  I drove to buy tennis shoes that I have needed for almost a month. As I am loudly singing along to my music on the latest paved road going a fast 35 MPG I start to cry.  I am on my way to Payless Shoes to buy off-brand tennis shoes and I can’t remember the last time I had been that happy.  It felt so ridiculous and small.  I was overcome with happiness.  Before they had to be name brand and kind of pricey for tennis shoes, I feel it is a better shoe to protect my body period. I want my knees to work for as long as I live.  Why did I wait to do this? I am worth it and I worked hard for that money for this freedom.  

Saw my friend and had an amazing girl chat and then off to stop by the beach bar at work.  The coconut tree line told me it was packed and it was not a lie.  The busiest I have seen since March. I was thrilled and met with equal enthusiasm. I was never going out before because I was always in yoga pants and or a sweaty mess from walking anywhere from my place.  The hill is “muy grande”, no joke.  Today I was more collected than I could have been in some time simply from the walk.  Mr. Hotel even made a compliment and then asked if I was hiding from him.  I later told him I had a family thing and doing much better.  Thanked him for asking. 

Monday was a good simple day getting back on track from missing out last week. My students were forgiving and so much fun.  I really do love this work and location, you have seen my pictures right!?!   Continued on eating healthy and was even told I looked a little lean.  Dehydration or my clean diet besides wine? I’m going with the latter.  Massaged my friend for trade, blazed, and said good night.  Another day alcohol-free and I slept amazingly.  

Today another easy, fun class, easy computer catch up, and another massage. A good way to ease in the week. I had a lot of time these past few days to figure out what was going on.  On Friday night I was able to start to compartmentalize that I was sad.  I did this with my dog a decade or so back.  It was the first time I dealt with death that was close to me. 
The past week I was grieving my dad not coming here, ever and I drank.  My dream had been him to come here and when he offered this last time it felt this was the moment. This is when this is supposed to happen. Karen is walking out and my dad is walking in.  When that swiftly changed and then the silence I was that broken girl I am trying to mend. I was devastated and my neurological system hijacked me, this is the lesson I need to learn. How to be ready for something like this again and cope with my personal values and virtues in mind.

My dad is always welcome to come to the rock, on the other hand, I could possibly never see him again.  Who knows, I learned I can not make plans with him and he is trying his best.  I think it is a positive thing in the long run for me, I was so hopeful to have him here as emotional support. I checked out and coped with old ways.  This is a real wake up call and a prime example of what I am working on.  I need to be strong enough to understand it is ok to hurt and all those feeling, please be kind and add self-care instead of self-infliction to numb.  Self-care, nutritious food and rest is what was started on Saturday and will keep it going strong.  

I’m Fragile

Time to be a boss babe, alcohol free. These past few days I have cried more than I can ever remember. My eyes literally burn from all of this and feeling hopeless as I’m trying to put it all back together.

I turned my phone off for several days and been checked out mentally all week. I tried to piece it together in my mind and create a timeline but it’s messy. I started drinking on Tuesday and Saturday 3am in the morning here I am. I’m tired, worn out, alone, thirsty and wish I had stopped this madness sooner. I’m happy to start now.

My dad ghosted me for a week, then yesterday I get a random message from him that I should maybe move back to the states. I was already drunk and replied maybe you should leave me alone, like you always do. WTF this was so dumb. I want him in my life need to communicate better, much better. An hour later I sent a message apologizing and then he apologized but I will need to keep my distance. I can’t allow him or anyone to hurt me right now, I’m fragile.

That is the first time I have said that about myself. It’s so wildly true in every single way right now, I’m fragile. I should have known that reaching out to my ex was mistake but I really wanted a hug. I want someone to care about me, to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok. My dad did that, then he changed his mind and then ghosted me for a week. How can I want love when this is my experience?

Now what. Well I’m not sure but today is a good day to start right? Thankfully through this last week I didn’t create any messes to clean up and I will have my car any day now. I did let my slip show to a few people but that makes me human right? I wish so bad I wasn’t alone and I don’t know where I belong anymore. One moment I was sure of my life and then to allow my dad to take me down so quick like that is scary. Front row on this roller coaster won’t always be smiles and good times, I know being sober I won’t be as fragile.

Keep Cutting

I should have seen this coming a mile away.  My dad really hurt me this time.
2 weeks ago I called him for advice on what I am trying to create now in my life.  I spoke to him about moving back to the states and he chimed in “I will come back”. This will be his third time coming to the island and it felt amazing. He offered to pay for everything and help me while I go back to school, I was high as a kite. I told all kinds of people, I was so sure my life was going in the right direction. 30 minutes before my financial meeting on Sunday he told me “I am taking me moving there off the table, love you.”  This hurts every part of me. I had been asking for a phone call since he brought this up and he would only message me. That should have been the sign this was going to cut me again.  There is a big part of me that thinks he will ignore me for awhile as he has in the past. So do I rip the band aid or let him keep cutting me?

I was in the shower when that message came and was confused, then mad and had to power on. I loved my meeting and felt super pumped. Did some action items and was going along full steam. Thinking my dad was waffling and he would reach out in a few hours. He didn’t and hasn’t, I wasn’t ready and so I drank starting Wednesday, blew off work and have ever since. It’s Friday morning and I am counting the minutes till the gas station is open so I can pick up Karen. My body is shaking from dehydration and I’m so sad. I’m thankful it’s not drugs but hanging with Karen is not working any longer and making me sick.  I desperately reached out to an ex Wednesday night and he put up with me for a couple of days in hopes of sex  He asked if I missed him, without blinking I responded I don’t miss crying and you treat me like my dad. I didn’t even think about it, the words just flew out and it was so true. He ignores me just like my dad and it never dawned on me till then. Sober me won’t entertain this guy, I blocked him everywhere and drunk me wants attention however I can get it. I wake up alone in his bed Thursday fully clothed while he is walking the dogs and for the first time ever I did what I never thought I would. I opened his phone. He was on his phone a lot these past few days and hiding, and sure as shit, he had Tinder messages.  I stormed out of the house, all dramatic and butt hurt. He said it was something from before and blah blah blah. Whatever lies he felt like saying and lost myself in a few beers. Around 8 am I went to a friends house and blew off work and I will again today. Why? 

I have been alone for so long now and I hate it. The 3 people I asked for help in this sober adventure are busy and not responsive. Asking sick people to help me is not helping but who do you know right now that is healthy? I need help, I want help however I keep asking the wrong people. I even tried paying for help and got nothing. The store is open in 30 minutes and it should be raining all day. I’m turning my phone off and fuck off this entire day. I know this is a mistake but I don’t want to stop it. I want to stop feeling all of this.

I’m will get past this, just not today. I have been alone almost all my life and I don’t know why it still hurts. My dad has fully ignored me for years at a time and this feels like it again. The question is do I allow that again or do I take a stand? My childhood I was alone a lot. Moved between parents and other family members often without my sisters, I have always been alone. It’s safer this way I suppose but I fully believe in community and I wish I could find mine.

Well That’s Not Working

I need to journal, I want to journal every day to get to fulfill my sober curious desires. Instead, I am hiding in perfection. That is not what this is, will, or can be about. This blog is about showing up and being honest with myself with you and anyone that needs to hear these messages. It’s way more than alcohol I am working with here. It’s smoking flowers but cigarettes too, overeating, shopping when I shouldn’t be, now I can add in scrolling and picking at my face/body and I think I can even over organize. These are the things I have witnessed I overuse/abuse when I am not dealing with a nervous situation or feeling.

Cookies, I heart you, and can’t keep anything processed food sweet in the house.

Shopping, my god I miss you. The rock has limited options and my earnings are not allowing it for now. I am buying a car tomorrow, hells yeah.

Scrolling has been the latest bad habit to deepen my depression. I was able to stop the phone when I quit my corporate job, I worked for a cell phone company and always on my phone before it was cool. Since my work is now on social media that habit is all over me like syrup on a shag carpet. Wake up at 1 am, scroll, scroll. scroll till I never sleep again.

Organizing in someone else’s home is not the same, I pet/house sit in exchange for housing.

Smoking flower is something I am looking to let go and please no more cigarettes. Those little live suckers make me so hungover and I feel so naughty. Stupidity at its finest.

Then my sweet sassy Karen, she is always there. Funny is when I start with her all these other hurtful habits start to spike up, interfere. I forget to breathe, to meditate, I am too tired and worn out from going down the drain to walk in nature or yoga. One little step on top of the other builds that foundation or takes away.

These habits may have served me at one point and time, however not any longer. I have a lost blog when this all came to a tizzy to my pause. This took over a course of a few days, then a pause, recollect, talk with my inner circle and boss babe. First off, I’m gonna cry about it and then handle it like a boss.