Difference a Day Can Make

The difference a day can make can be outstanding.  Yesterday started off with a lot of reservations and feeling low and ended up being one of the better days in a long time. 

I’m loving my morning routine, it 100% puts me in a good mood and path for the day. I left for work a little nervous about what will happen for the rest of the day. I felt lethargic and wanting to drink to soothe my mind. The walk to work was refreshing like always puts me in a good mood to keep working out.  Walking has to be one of the best mood boosters freely available and will be excited when it is a choice.

Class went well, sadly one student is down due to an ankle injury and he will be out for some time.  Another private is leaving the rock on Monday so I need to find that missing weekly $60 elsewhere. It hurts and makes me feel so small that this minimal amount is impacting me so much. Another little reminder that I need to keep exploring other options for revenue flow. 

While teaching a friend came running along the beachfront and announced a rock favorite died of a heart attack. I have mixed feelings about this and not shocked. He was cruisin for a bruisin for some time, with COVID lockdown he had taken it to the next level out of boredom. I’m absolutely sad he passed but not surprised in the slightest, more of a wow that’s too bad. He liked to party and not watching his health, this is a deadly combination that happens enough on the rock that it’s a thing sadly. He was one of the first people I knew on here and always enjoyed our chats. However, behind closed doors, he was no gentleman. I’ve seen his girlfriends with bruises, had to tell him to wipe his nose more than once and all the other goodness that comes with that lifestyle. The coconut tree telephone line whispers how he came to the rock to film porn but that ended tragically, the ending was very public and sad. As the day unfolded people reminisced how great he was and all the nice things as expected. I received phone calls, everyone brought it up within minutes of the meeting, etc… It was all a buzz on the rock but I wondered did they not know, how could they not and today simply turn a blind eye? At the end of the night a friend brought this point up and we agreed on your mutual feelings. Values and morals are forgiven often if you stick around long enough. He was fun no doubt, always a gentleman to me but once you hit people on the regular that negates almost any good doing in my book. 

Ok, back to the flow of the day with amazing news. After class vibes buzzing all around me, dripping with sweat and sandy feet I walk into his cool office ready to get the hammer of no’s if we meet at all. I’ve been trying to connect with him for 3 or 4 weeks now, numerous unanswered messages that were all driving me to feel unimportant, and ready to be kicked out of the hotel. Yes, yes, yes I know I’m dramatic but I felt this in my soul and was ready to give up. I had vented to a few people I need to let this gig go and was prepared to do so. I show up late by a few minutes and he was calm, happy to see me and present. In the recent past our meetings are squeezed in, he is busy on his phone and rushed in and out. We talked for 30 minutes, more than I hoped for, and all yeses plus more. I couldn’t believe it. I’m an optimistic person typically but after hanging with Karen I tend to have low self-esteem and think the sky is falling. Along with the normal banter, we discuss the fitness classes, massage, and spa opportunities for me. I was not allowed to massage on the property because of the spa owners and thanks to a couple of incidents this has changed. Today had to be one of the best meetings we have had in a long time and it felt amazing. My faith has been restored with the hotel. He requested my adjustments swiftly, thanked me for working hard, and said no more meetings just stop by. My sincere hope is this continues to be our dynamic. 

Feeling renewed after the meeting I didn’t even think of Karen and walked by the Captians without picking her up. I was going to go see my friends and have fun for the day. I have not done this in a long time. I wish I had a car and was hesitant to go out since I would be stuck waiting on my rides as they drink. I really needed to get out of this house and be around people my age and stage of life. I start to become nervous and teeter-tottering about staying in or going out. I reached out to Mrs. B and all is good.  She is such an amazing human and not a big drinker. We meet up with a few other good people, loosely plan out some work coming up, and her birthday this weekend. I can’t believe I was thinking of staying home alone to drink and not be here. 

The bbq pool party we met at was a fundraiser for bail money. A local friend was in jail for a trivial amount of marijuana. The police are asking for over $1,000 and threatening to send him to the mainland. I promise you no one wants to go to the mainland right now much less prison. Ever watch the shows about the world’s most dangerous prisons? Well, this place has been featured several times. A lawyer shared with me the police have no record of him being there and the bail money would never be logged.  One of the negatives and sometimes a plus is the corruption that goes on here. It’s nice knowing cash can get you out of almost anything here but that goes for people who may harm you as well.  Numerous murders with no resolution, especially when it comes to women.  

Almost sunset we all boogie over to the going away party. More great news for the day the curfew was extended from 5 pm to 8 pm as of, still no circulation on the weekends damn it. We watch the sunset together for the first time in ages and it was amazing.  Not the sunset itself but to be with people in a bar like old times minus tourists. I was looking cute in a dress, wearing mascara, jewelry and feeling good being out and about. (Why did I want to stay home alone with Karen again?) My typical go to outfit is yoga pants or a bikini with no makeup. Since I walk everywhere in the tropics I can’t wear makeup or anything that I can’t sweat through. I finally meet up with my ride home and can relax almost.  This is the most people I have seen in some time and it is so refreshing to be out of the web of the Bay.  My friend is still hitting on me after numerous nos so I need to hold that boundary or he will take a mile.

I did have a few drinks and not sure why I did. I’m not going to think about it too much, more be the observer right now. I texted Mr. USA and passed out at 8:30 pm.  My sleep was terrible and up super early again today. This alone is worth not drinking and will stay on that target today.  

Off to get the day started and it’s a good day ahead. Work with my pool merfriends, diving, and then hanging with my life coach.  I really can love my life here if I can let Karen go. 

Will I Ever Be Ready To?

I have been up since 3 am overwhelmed with emotions about what to do and it is causing a shadow over every part of my life. I’m so unsure of everything and after yesterday’s cumulative shit storm has my nervous system all wrecked today.  I watched Netflixs, which I rarely do, to distract and numb out. It felt good for an hour or so, yet here I am at 7 am deciding if I am going to drink today. I even thought about canceling my class and just to hang with Karen instead. Makes zero sense, as I always feel better after teaching. 

Now is that the alcohol talking or me escaping all these feelings?  Keep drinking or do I power through and get sober now, will I ever get sober? I’m crying as I type, feeling like a failure just for thinking this way. I believe I literally picked the hardest time, to let Karen go, I need better-coping methods.  COVID has really been one of the toughest moments and I want to enjoy how lucky I am to be here. I’m tired of feeling alone and Karen is always around, always.  Even my therapist said her drinking has picked up and they are starting to taper back.  

Last nights advice totally sucked but I have heard this before here.  Mr. OCD has told me many times to be friends with everyone but be friends with no one.  Always sounded like terrible advice to me and he is a very lonely man. In the States, I only worked with people I didn’t care for, rarely socialized.  I get playing nice as in it’s a smaller community however I don’t want to hang out with people for the sake of not being alone. There is a lot of high functioning alcoholics here within the ex-pat community and we are all on island time.  Since we can’t be out after 5 pm they day drink a lot and I don’t want to hang out with that.  

I feel it in my soul that I don’t want to adopt fake friends just for the sake of hanging out. There are house parties a lot right now and I never get invited. It’s upsetting but I wouldn’t go anyways because it’s not my people. A few are but then I would need to tolerate a lot and I would rather not. It is more of a reminder how I miss seeing people I care about, not the coconut tree gossip line in the Bay. Since I have come on this rock 6 years ago I have been searching for my inner circle and still struggling to find it. I have made a few good girlfriends however most of them have left for a reason or another. Then typically I meet a fella, we buddy up and that’s the end of my loneliness.  It’s not an option at the moment and it was is the only reason I have been calling my ex. I miss having a friend, not him honestly however he’s not interested without sex and I have zero interest. I tried that love the one you are with and back to the drawing board.  He is still blocked and no calling any other ex’s. 

I’m trying to think if I had a car would it be different? This morning I was also thinking who would I drive to hang out with?  I do have a handful of friends and once I have the freedom of a car I will meet new people right?  Maybe I’m not finding my community because of the lack of wheels or because I am not being the kind of person I want to be friends with.  I love blaming myself so I can fix it. It’s my fault that I have these feelings right? No one can make you feel anything I am choosing this and it sucks. 

My other tizzy is my dad is on the fence about coming to the rock and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or not. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it here without him here. Well, that is not entirely true. I can make it anywhere but it feels that way.  If my dad was here it would be so refreshing to have his love and company. We won’t pal around all the time, we both love our space, just knowing he is here and has my back would be a huge relief.  It’s more emotional support than anything else.  My dad is an out of sight, out of mind person.  We rarely talk now but it is always a good conversation.  

Getting on with the day now.  I love my new morning routine and will get pumped for class. I really love teaching and wish it paid more. Now after class I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I have a meeting with Mr. Hotel hopefully and that will gain a little clarity.  I have a going-away party at 4 that should be a great time but it’s loaded with triggers so I may stay home with Karen. Shaking my head just thinking about it. I need to let her go, will I ever be ready to? 

Unsolicited Advice

Living on the rock F this day. I say the f word a lot, it’s not cute.   

It wasn’t a good day full of lessons learned. The rained happened all day, Mr. Hotel rescheduled for the 4th time in a month, my classes canceled and stuck in this house with no car. I wallowed alone for the 3rd day in a row, made some lists and cleaned the house. Workers came and gone, my dad is on the fence all of sudden and more rain. I asked the local fan fair about the local veggie truck since I can’t get to the grocery store for 10 days now and end up with this golden advice and pitiful behavior after. F this entire day.

Tonight’s advice straight from WhatsApp, a man who wants to play MDMA games however I continuously politely say no. I advised my fears as my mother is a drug addict and quitting alcohol. He went forward saying MDMA is not a drug so I added the company he keeps also pushes me away. Below his great advice with an apology for spelling later. He cares very deeply about spelling and makes no apology otherwise as he shouldn’t. 

His advice ~ My friends are not going to change because f you or anyone else. I find the statement ironic since you spends much ti ewih xxxx. Which is my point if you want to survive on this island you have to compartmentalize. If you can do that ( and I understand that) then you will never live long here. The heard will bring you down. I spend time with people I hate You can say I am a hypocrite I prefer to just minimize the time and call it non judgement…. but they are just words. You will find yourself more and more isolated if you cannot breathe the the air of people that disgust you. Just advice with NO ONE in particular Drink the Kool aid or leave the island or believe me the island WILL eject you,

This is what it takes to live here or everywhere?  He has been here for over 15 years and a staple on the rock, not a favorite but a staple no less. Maybe this is why I feel rejected often, I can’t conform with the heard. My head is spinning especially after being alone for 3 days. I reached out xxxx, I begged no questions just company and was met with hesitation, then rejection and then he begged. He is blocked and I can’t be desperate for his friendship anymore. I hope I can be vulnerable to someone who isn’t ill.

This picture is thunder showcasing the mainland that is about 30 miles away. It’s so beautiful and makes me feel even more alone. Better day tomorrow.

Weekend Blur Part 2

AF Day 5

I know today is a cheat day so I’ll document it to see. Knowing I’m going to drink later I would typically be filled with guilt, bad feelings and negative self chatter. It would feel this anxiety build until the bottle was on my hands, literally. Then a wave of warm emotions falls down my body. Not today though, I’m looking forward to that cool, bubbly glass with my friends and not worried one bit.

Before class, I went to buy chips and a club soda. That’s me starting to be bad, lol. Shopping and unhealthy chips. An acquaintance pulled up to the captains and he needed a second to level himself standing it’s 10ish in the morning. Kind of triggered to be healthy and not like him so I opt for nuts and keep on a good habit path. I think he was taken over by pills as he stumbled buying a six-pack of lifesavers, funny they name a beer that. He is notorious for drinking too much. When we were at the hotel he drank a beer with a shot of local rum in it. Yeah, we exchange a few words and off to work I go. That can easily be me and a great example of why I don’t want to drink.

I arrive at the beautiful empty hotel 30 minutes early to write class, as I typically do. Dang it, the devil lady is already here and looking for a friend. She is mentally off for sure and won’t leave me alone in a positive way. She recently spent 3 hours yelling cusswords at her husband and it happens a lot. She sounds like an entire different person, my friend said it sounds like she is possessed like for real the devil is in her. I don’t typically hear them since I live 3 houses and across the street from her, not that night. They are also believed to vandalizing property after fighting with neighbors. I’m trying my best to squeeze her out politely I hope she understands. She is the one that ordered me a drink on Margarita Day, I said I wanted one so I need to be clear in my language. She is trying so hard to chat with me and I just can’t be her friend. I need people that don’t drink around me, she is another reminder of why I shouldn’t drink. I can be really mean with my words at times and I hate that about me. I’m sure I ended some of my relationships just because of that one reason alone.

The class was fun. Ms. Kentucky did a cannonball to start the class, she is a pistol. I asked her for a playlist and we got down on some Billy Idol, Pitbull, and super random upbeat stuff. We had a lot of fun, I even danced a little. These days I’m a 2-minute dancer and I love it. Just enough swing in the hips and then a break. Walked home and went back to Captains and grab a bottle for the day. I wanted to have something special for Becky. Well, maybe I’ll leave it here for after. Not drink too much and reward that with this bottle. Hmmm. Off to shower and get ready. The skin on the back of my arms feels amazing. Usually, it’s bumpy and looks irritated. Am I that dehydrated from alcohol and coffee? My skin texture has bothered me ever since I was a preteen, if this solves my skin that is a game-changer.

Friday evening I wake up at 9 pm. I blacked out at the party and don’t remember anything after we ate. I’m laying in my old bedroom and left the shower on, what a mess. I thought I did everything right and yet here I am. I ate, drank slowly but I kept up with everyone and that was my mistake. Honestly, my mistake was drinking at all, I can’t hang with Karen anymore damn it. These people are seasoned drinkers especially during COVID, I should have known better. I clean up all my messes and go back to the right bed. Saturday morning up at 9 am which is wild because 5 am is my typically waking hour. The shit show began. I didn’t drink that wine I bought yesterday so I started with that, I didn’t even think about drinking I just poured a glass. Texted my ex since he is struggling and having a hard time we like to check in with each other. We trigger each other constantly though so it starts nice and ends in a fire every time. I should block his number until I can handle his actions and not take them personally. This guy is awesome but so sick right now. We trade a few messages and plan to hang out. This isolation has us both in a tizzy, it sucks. He actually came to pick me up. I didn’t know he was here, he waited for less than a minute and dashed off. I asked if he was ok, he replied to me that I was making a power play by not being ready. I even had my makeup done and was ready. Wow, he is on the path today, good thing we didn’t hang out.

So I walk down to the Captains to get a refill of Karen. I asked my ex to meet me there so we can check-in and then I went home. He was so triggered and upset, it’s the best idea to take some distance. I can not be this lonely to keep this friendship at all. From here on out, I’m reaching out to my friend in the states. I’ll ask permission today if I can do that, I’m sure he won’t mind.

Saturday afternoon I polish off another cool, crisp, white Karen and watch Netflix and dazed in and out. Alcohol totally wrecks my sleep, the past 2 nights have sucked immensely. Definitely not drinking today so hopefully, by Tuesday I will be solid with my sleep. I also decided to drop flowers to a treat, not in the house. I have been over smoking to cope and feel so much better when I don’t numb out. I want to use flower to be creative and check out when I need to only. I want to have these feelings and get past them. I have been ruled by my emotions negatively and want to be more in control and respectful.
Sunday morning I have that hangxiety I typically have so I treat myself to a bowl and warm lime water. Ease into the day as I have a massage at 11 am today with a repeat client so I need to be on point.

I loved feeling healthy the past few days before Karen took over my weekend. I wore my mermaid leggings yesterday and felt so healthy thin, I love the lack of heaviness and feeling healthy strong. It’s worth eating right and no alcohol and it was only a few short days. Imagine a month of being this person? I bet it’s amazing and I want it. Checked the calendar and let the adventure begin!

what I’m trying to do

AF Day 5 – Good Morning

This has been a big work week alcohol-free and loads of new changes settling in. I feel good at the moment and nervous in others. 

Mr. Hotel requested a meeting with me for Monday, this will be the first one in some time.  I have requested to meet up with him for over a month and he blows me off easily. It has been hurtful both personally and professionally and I have confessed to him about it via whatsapp, like wtf we are friends yeah not professional but for real Im scared.  I have an idea his plate is full and stressful so I have been moving forward thinking along the lines spank me or thank me.  With the knowledge he is blowing up some local rift raft on the rock it stings, just a little bit but manageable. He makes me feel powerless and I have felt this way for some time, no thank you. This is not necessary or good for my quality of life. I thought feeling like this was worth it, time to pivot that thought. 

I made a forecast of the next 3 years with the allowance I have been given and forsee with fitness only at the hotel and 15K, would be kind the year ahead and more than the year before. Not enough. Combination of feelings and low pay, this will be my side hustle and I’m excited to reorganize my energy.  The great thing about COVID is I can reinvent myself, go to school, take online certs, check into an ashram, join a cult, take feet pics? HAHAHA I kid but there are options.  Yoga healed me, still does continuously and that’s why it’s passion and will always be a part of my life, my life is my yoga. But momma can make money else where.

Now before Monday and I do anything brash, I like to call it passionately. Chatting this over career change with my therapist, coach, and dad this weekend.  I have conversed with a few people, including my sister and it makes sense. Maybe I was drinking because I knew it was time to let this go and I promise I didn’t, this use to be one of the most beautiful spots in the world to me but the emotional cost is too high and won’t sustain me financially. It’s good for me to teach at the hotel and I am fixin’ to here in a couple of hours, it Ms.Kentucky’s birthday, excited nervous about that. Back to topic. I love the hotel, the people I work with, the students it’s beautiful in so many ways and I will forever cherish this place. I’m tearing up now because I will be letting it go in some way.  My hope is to keep it alive with less money focus. 

The week was pretty good, I stayed home a lot working on my projects online, 2 massages, and now repeat clients. Emotionally I can tell a difference of being sober and I swear my skin is improving. My physical body is uncomfortably sore from aerobics by the pool.  It’s loads of fun, company included but it’s hard on my body.  I need to buy tennis shoes asap.  My knees, lower back, this is what prompted is the hotel a good fit. I can teach Yoga forever, but if I need to use my body for massage and aerobics another red flag I need a new career. 

Today I am going to drink. I have been pondering not to but I want to. I have all kinds of excuses and could have just a glass of bubbly but I want to be there with them fully. I imagine not drinking in intimate moments is like being the only person not on acid. I know that is extreme. I’m talking about maybe 3 glasses today ok 6, not the same as acid. Hear me out, no one is connecting with you exactly if they are a few in and you are sober. This is where having a car would be handy too or is it worth missing out and paying $20 for a ride home? 

It’s Ms.Kentucky’s birthday and she has been my solid student from day one in the pool. Her house is about to sell meaning she is leaving the rock soon.  Saying goodbyes with girlfriends happen a lot on the rock, I should be amazing at by now.  We are going to an exclusive resort and be the only guests, drinking very nice bubbly and celebrating her birthday.  Throw in a massage, pedicure and facial and I would explode.  I haven’t had this opportunity to do this with someone I care for in a long time and don’t foresee it happening again either.  She has an amazing heart and zest for life, later became the greatest supporter of me here at the pool and to me personally. At first, I hated her guts, growth right?  She will never tell me to drink but she always allows the space.  I appreciate it and scared of it at the same time.  I have at one point and told myself I will only drink with her because she will keep my secret.  I haven’t done that yet, that is not what I am trying to do.

Why do I feel I can’t be sober at today’s event? I have had a fancy resort time and didn’t drink before.  This makes me wonder do I really want to be alcohol-free or do I need to be alcohol-free.  This is vastly different and on my mind.  

I will indulge today, stay in my Kentucky bubble for the entire duration.  Wake up tomorrow hopefully feeling ok.  I’m conflicted and comfortable in my choice and will journal in the morning.   Maybe a little one tonight?!

Feeling Good

AF Day 2 – End of Day

What a difference a few days can make. It’s the end of the day AF 2, I’m tired but overall I feel amazing. Confirmed my dad is moving here, the airport is opening soon which means work, buying a car and the number system for circulation will end. Now all this will take time to happen but what amazing things to look forward to.

I didn’t want to drink today surprisingly. I woke up with guilt about how I was all Dry July and couldn’t make it. In July I did drink way less, about 60% less of what my recent late nights with Karen have been during this pandemic. This is a huge plus but not a win and I was treating it like a fail. Is this a perfectionist trait, because this has been my recent pattern. I give in to a drink, then the next morning well it’s only day 1, I already messed it up and have to start again so why not tomorrow can be day 1. Then I would kick it with Karen for 2 to 5 days in a row. Letting a day turn into several days of drinking shadow 10/14 days of sobriety. I was feeling embarrassed, sad, and a little worried I may need more help than I think right now.

Then a new social media friend posted how she went 73 days and drank on the 74. Woke up feeling like crap and back on the wagon immediately. She learned her lesson and or got what she needed out of the experience. It was with Karen by the way, a delicious red. It resonated with me deeply and will take that with me.

I have been sober curious since April, well saying no more Karen but hanging out anyways. I need to remember when I lean into things I may not be perfect but try every day and soon it becomes a way of life. I hope with all my heart it’s the isolation and COVID creating this extra layer of a struggle for me. There will be trials and tribulations throughout my adventures and I’m ready for a new pattern that is healthy and helpful.

Now my dad coming to the rock will be amazing, I need to give him a week in case he changes his mind though. He is notorious for changing his mind with little explanation and quick execution. This is a habit I picked up in life and love it most of the time, live passionately or not at all. This will be good for my sobriety, I hope! HAHA, I kid with him around there will be any pluses. Knowing someone who loves you is so close will be so comforting especially after being far for years. Then this will inspire my sisters to visit as well.

Another big help today was my morning routine. I have been lazy creating my morning routine and I enjoy having one. Today I found my jam and that set the tone for the day. I did make my coffee so strong I couldn’t finish a cup and could smell colors. That will be my last cup in this house for some time, I miss you already bean water friend. My morning consist of not getting on my phone for the first 30 mins or so if possible. Brush my teeth, lemon water with meditation and movement, write in my bullet journal, confirmed my day, create any classes, shower, and then time to make the doughnuts. It was a good day.

It’s unusually hot here today, no wind, and the sea was glass. Not a bad view for a yoga class on a Tuesday?

Weekend Blur

AF Day 5 – Good morning

Waking up feeling pretty good.  The past few days have been relatively good and has forward motion.  I wake up every day wanting to drink and hang with Karen, every freaking day so far.  In the past when I quit I have not had these feelings.  I keep reflecting on why I can’t walk away like before and I keep coming back to the conclusion I am surrounded by more alcohol than ever.  As an adult I have lived mainly in Austin, and Denver which both cities are notorious for their drinking culture like here on the rock. The main difference is I had so many more social options in the states that I didn’t have to constantly be on the lookout for triggers and repeatedly saying no.  

Every day on the rock I’m invited to some type of drinking or sent some meme or planning an event where there is an excuse to hang out and drink.  Now granted it’s COVID time and most places can not be open except restaurants and there is not enough allowed circulation for most of the places to open. In the Bay where I live there is some type of party at someone’s house or an empty resort where anyone is there.  

AF Day 1 

Well that was Friday morning when I started the above entry and I didn’t make the day without Karen. Now it’s Monday morning at 3am feeling optimistic and like crap. I’m tired, disappointed, full of anxiety, excited, hopeful and hungover.  This booze cruise of a weekend started with a lot of emotions. My body felt great with a few sober days behind me, eating well and staying super active. My heart and mind was elsewhere, lonely, frustrated and scared. The spiral started when I thought I found a car and after paying $50 to a mechanic I found it was full of issues. Which is great to know and totally worth the money but it can take me several classes to make that much right now.  Friday kept rolling on, I taught a class and it was only prepaid students so no new money today and was bummed out.  I was hoping to make a little cash to stay and play on the beach all day anyways we had a great class and I love my students. After class I reached out to several people but they were either busy or drinking so I started to walk home. All these feelings of self doubt are starting to swirl in my mind, are these signs that I should leave? Am I going to be alone forever like this and down the drain I go with negative chatter. After trying for 45 minutes to find a friend I gave up and picked up Karen and headed home. 

With COVID rules still enforced on the rock I knew I would be alone for the entire weekend.  This is so heavy for me and hurts my heart even writing it now.  I drank the entire bottle pretty swiftly and wasn’t numbed out as I hoped. Still loads of “I suck” conversations going on in my head. I didn’t want to make the hike to the store so I polished off the remains of a bottle of cheap rum. It was gross and did the trick, it was enough to pass out and wake up at 8pm.  I desperately texted my ex, he knew I was drunk and ended our conversation pretty quickly. Finally I passed out again and started back at it in the morning.  

Saturday morning I felt so terrible and lost, I went for over 5 days and was feeling great. I typically have a couple of classes on the weekends but all my clients cancelled for various reasons. Is this another sign to leave? My mind was saying so many nasty things so I started to drink at breakfast to take the edge off. I wish I would have pulled out my mat, meditated, gone for a walk, anything else but I chose to drink. I’m so mad at myself at this point, I have been trying to stop drinking since April and here we are in August.  Why is this being a challenge?  I have all the resources, I know better, have support, know all the science behind drinking but all this hurt and sadness keeps taking over. Eventually I started to do some online work and update my journal. I knew that I could only do minor things because of the state I was in but I know that even little steps forward helps and I’m trying to get out of this downward spiral.  

The clouds moved in early and a steady rain started and lasted for a few hours. I was finally relieved to not have work that morning, as it would have all been canceled and I would have been rained on. My classes right now are outside for social distancing and I have to walk everywhere. Feeling a little better about the day I switched to coffee and told myself that’s it for alcohol, move on and up. I viewed my sober community on Instagram and was feeling super inspired. There was a popular post of a Dear Alcohol letter and that was my new plan, I have this!  It’s a full moon, new month, let’s do this.

A few hours passed and the power went out, lightning struck a pole and the entire rock was without power/internet again.  An hour into the outage my ex texted and 30 minutes later he picked me up.  We had a decent time watching tv and laughing it up. I brought Karen with me and drank the bottle over a course of 5 hours, I told myself I was tapering off.  I shouldn’t have entertained his invite but I was so lonely. I enjoy our conversations and he is kind but deep down I know this will end in a fiery mess, it always does even more so when I drink. He is struggling and admits to me he had been on and off his meds which makes him manic and it was showing. My friends tell me to not make too much of it and just enjoy the company but I can’t. Eventually we go to bed and I wake up at 4am ready to go home, I shouldn’t be here.  After coffee he takes me home and in the car we chat about snorkeling later. He made some kind of remark that I don’t believe we will snorkel later and how I must not trust anything he says.  I looked him square in the eyes and told him I lost faith in his words months ago.  

Now it’s about noon on Sunday and nothing about me is feeling inspired to adult.  Still upset thinking I need to leave the rock I put my name on a flight list to leave mid August. I don’t want to leave but this weekend was disappointing and something has to change.  4 months I have been saying I will be alcohol free, not drinking anymore, Dry July, so on and so on and failing miserably. I knew my ex wasn’t going to show up later and it hurts so much, every time. With all this in my mind I accepted it and opened a fresh cool bottle of white to close out the weekend.  I told myself, this is the last time and I will write this Dear Alcohol letter. I meal prepped, danced in the kitchen to happy music and let Karen drown out my sorrows.  

Out of the blue my dad messages me, we rarely talk but not in a bad way. We exchanged a few messages and I asked him to call me sometime to talk about me moving back.  I was already half-drunk so I was basically pushing him away so he won’t figure it out. My dad hates my drinking more than I do and at one point he didn’t talk to me for over a year after I got a DUI. My dad wanted to talk right then so I went with it and explained my frustrations and how I may move back. We keep talking and my dad drops a bomb, he offers to come to the rock and live with me!  This has been the plan several times and this will be my dad’s third attempt living here.  My entire body lights up and I feel inspired to stay and I’m so ready to buy a car. This will be amazing if this happens in so many ways but only if I’m not drinking. 

With this new wind in my sails and a bottle of wine deep I’m feeling good.  I meal prepped like a boss for the upcoming week and felt ready to take on this week.  A friend messaged me to come down to the beach and have a few beers, my ex still hasn’t called so I know he is standing me up and I was out of booze so I went. It was a fun day except my friend kept hitting on me and I have drawn a firm line with him several times. I kept ignoring and discouraging his flirting and he kept the beers flowing. I was trying to be careful since I already had a bottle of wine in me and if I give this guy an inch he will take a mile. The afternoon was awesome, I was happy with the news from my dad, perfect beach weather saw a few friends, confirmed another car and then I greyed out.  The next thing I remember I’m at his place having prime rib.  It was so damn good, not every day you have good beef on the island and this was flown in from the states. He was planning on me staying the night but I managed enough brainpower to come home. He has done this several times before and I should have known better.

Here we are now, Monday morning and wildly I’m feeling optimistic after typing this and dehydrated. Luckily today will be a relatively easy day, getting caffeinated and starting my bullet journal a few days late. I have a few projects in the works, chatting up an old flame and looking up houses on the MLS. New month, full moon and new adventures ahead!

Let’s Dive In

Af Day 2

Waking up today feeling fresh and clean. Yesterday was a hard day to manage through so drained from Karen conversations through the weekend. I slept terrible the night before and had a private first thing. I can fake it till I make it poolside but in their personal space, mostly since it was sweating out wine from the night before typically till recently. Ugh I hated the way my breath was heavy and I felt my sweat was off, being alcohol free solves all that. I had a moment Sunday and finally had an anxiety attack. It feels so good for the release, I can feel these toxic things build up and I have anxiety about my anxiety till I can’t take it anymore and break apart. I’m leaning on changing break apart to letting go.

So I need to change my patterns and have faith that things always work out for me. Typically always better than I expected, especially after I am able to slow down and be in the moment. Once I’m able to settle into situations that created these fear I’m able to become more curious in finding the beauty and fun. In my new homework I ask myself ” I feel (fill in the blank) because (fill in the blank). Why does that make me feel (fill in the blank)? Same question over and over till you find the root cause or something I can change to help with my fears. I have practiced this with my coach and we did a few negative things and that was a little hard at first and silly actually. Then later on my own I did a few positives and that really helped solidify why I love living here.

One of the reasons I live here on this rock is the diving. Look how gorgeous the water is? This picture was taken a few days ago. MS is a funny guy and it’s his birthday today, Happy Birthday friend! The clarity of the ocean is amazing and even more sense there is no tourist or cruise ships creating pollution. I really hope people hold value on how clean everything is and try to preserve it. The water, the island over all is so very clean and way less polluted. I feel amazingly lucky to be here and will be diving again on Wednesday and then once a week! I’m going to recruit other woman in the area to join me so to help spread my circle in the community, thinking every Monday afternoon. Some version of this picture will be my 1:30 Monday afternoon meeting. My life is a dream come true and why I will figure this out.

I’ve come to a realization that this is such an amazing time to be on this island and I need to find a way to make this work while enjoying my quality of life. I always, always, always find a way to make it work and have a good time doing it. Taking the money out of my savings for a car is what put me over the edge about anxiety, and I have come to terms with it. I want to have a better quality of life or I need to find another rock to thrive on. I have been surviving for over a year creating a wellness business at the resort and I am so close!! I almost had 300 yogis in August, if not this year the next and surprise we all get to stay home, thanks COVID. In the last year there were months I may have made $500 and it’s not the quality of life I want to have. I want to have a car or access to one at all times especially since there is not public transportation consistently available anywhere. I did promise myself no more reaching into my savings after the car and talking to a financial advisor on Thursday. I haven’t dip in it in a long time and that creates the confidence I need to let go of that anxiety with losing all my money.

With this new understanding I have come to appreciate my anxiety. Yes I should be uncomfortable with using money from my savings, otherwise I would have wasted it years ago with nothing to show for it. Now with a better quality of life, the ability to make more money and an extra layer of security this is exactly what my savings is for. Plus I’m only taking only 5%, debt free and finally doing something with my savings so it can continue to grow or work for me in some way. The car is looking like a smoking good deal too! It’s not my style, however the positives and its was very well taken care of with an amazing clean interior. The biggest fear was the hill I live on and the car zipped right up my crazy steep hill, took it like a champ no problems with the aircon on. Super good people too, friends of the Mr & Mrs B and that is a added layer of confidence. Ran the CarFax two accidents with no towing needed, this is typical for Honduras. Computer checked with only one thing popped up, typically a car of this price the dashboard is lit up like christmas since there really isn’t any laws about the vehicle condition and the mechanic will be checking it later this week. Pics once adopted. Fingers crossed this or better.

Today is good day, I was to have a photoshoot but it was canceled since the rock is on a circulation number system. You can only drive if your id ends in a certain number on a certain day with zero driving on weekends. Monday through Friday is 1 through 5 and the next week 6 through 0. Luckily everyone is doing home delivery and it is affordable otherwise I would be in trouble. It has been this way for over a month. I can drive with in my community and the End so it’s not as bad as other areas, again another reason I am so grateful to be here in this moment now.

Off to enjoy another sober adventure in paradise.

Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful. 

Diet Coke, What?

AF Day 2

I slept 7 hours, 2 private classes before 11 topping it off with some public marketing with the woman who live in the Bay area. Walked home and exhausted. The classes were fun and challenging, and my god my body is sore. I walk everywhere and live on a hill that taxis sometimes refuse to go up. I have heard, no senorita no pase, many times when it was the last thing I wanted to here. Now I need to buy tennis shoes and socks, wth I live in a place where shoes are optional. This is on the rock shoe shopping experience choices are 2nd hand, random street vendors, a new Payless store or order from the states and pay $14 for 2 week delivery and hope for the best. I really hate shopping this way and this totally took away that coping addiction.

Talking about old addictions, I had a Diet Coke yesterday and it was awesome, the first one in a nickel if not longer. I loved and hated it, my body still appreciates the fizziness and I’ll get a zit, every time. Today if you pop open a can of anything around me, my head literally lifts and I think about a delicious cold fizzy Diet Coke. It’s almost romantic, I’m in trouble with that one for mood swings and feeling like crap. A perfect example of why I want Karen to not be an option to hang out with, I’m done entertaining her. Why can I let Diet Coke go but not this coping tool? I think it’s about the replacement of the time or interests. When I have things going on drinking falls to the wayside. When I go away for various trainings/events they tend to happen in communities that lives vegan/vegetarian and sober lifestyles and you are expected to honor that as well. I was happy to let go and give it a go

I lived in Sweden for a hot minute, drinking wasn’t an option too often until later when the midnight sun was in effect. I know that is when my drinking became the worst, tears welled up typing that. It was such a hurtful and amazing time, I was sick from a list of lies that was highlighted with some of the best moments of us. The front row of the roller coaster with a Dr. who was ready to order it. Big melty body breath and, a tear made it’s way free.

Back to today, my clients today are all truly amazing people and super thankful they are here. I considered lowering my prices to match my peers and it paid off not to hold value in that. They are compassionate, generous people and make me feel appreciated not like the help. I also want to get folded back into the community in the bay since I have been estranged and only professional at times during this adventure. I live in a very safe, breathtaking location where people are retired so our paths don’t always intertwine since I’m still working and 15/20 years their junior.

The rest of the day was computer stuff and chatting with a few people about a car! I think it will happen relatively soon and ready for it. This is the best worst time to get a car. It will give me so much freedom and I think that will set me free. I was thinking about why I hadn’t bought a car for a while and the top two reasons are taxis are way cheaper than having a car and I was afraid to drink and drive. I have been overnight for alcohol-related reasons for more than a time or two. Yeah, that should be my sign right? I hear it loud and clear. Onward to another sober day tomorrow.