Rise and Shine

AF Day 1

The sunrises are amazing here and a perfect one like this morning for my AF Day 1. It’s been a few days since my last entry since I was drinking with Karen again. I blamed the WIFI not working for no long updates however that is just a lame excuse. I have enlisted a few close friends to read my blog to hold me accountable. I can also reach out to them at any timeĀ and feel confident I can so I knew better. I hid from my friends so I could keep rolling with Karen for a few days. I wanted to drink today of course to stop feeling like crap from the past few days, so glad I didn’t, big body melting exhale. I woke up feeling like crap and was telling myself if I drink just one glass at lunch and then tomorrow day 1. I even started to write this journal in the morning and I was sure I was drinking at lunchtime so I stopped, I didn’t want to jinx myself or have another day 1 journal back to back. End of the day here, woo hoo AF Day 1 in the books.

My plans changed luckily and ended spending time with Mr&Mrs B and crew. They are not big drinkers and totally into the same woo hoo stuff I am into. I really love how I feel hanging out with these people. I feel supported, loved and that allows me to be honest, vulnerable, and compassionate with no fear of being taken advantage of or misunderstood. I enjoy our banter as well, super helpful and they make me think about situations not dishing out advice or repeating gossip. This was such an AHA moment today. I need to stick to my inner circle boundary for now. I have many people that I feel good being around and aligned with my currents goals. When I am lonely reach out to my inner circle and be prepared to make a few different calls and don’t give in to toxic friendships because it is easy. I will engage on my social media with my sober focused family, try to video distant friends, I have an entire list of things I can do sober and lonely. LOL Don’t we all make lists like this? SMH

My goal is being able to recognize what typically triggers me and intervene before I hear Karen calling my name. I’m excited to reset this loop within my mind and body. With removing alcohol, bullet journaling, working with my coach and therapist I know this is the time to take care of this once and for all. When I’m humming along I can walk away from Karen happy hours with ease, honestly, they stop being options and that is where I want to get to. I don’t want to go through every day thinking how I can’t have alcohol, I want my day to be filled with so many other goodnesses that there is simply no room for wine in my life any longer.

Right now my main trigger is feeling lonely. I enjoy being alone so it’s confusing a little and finding that balance will be interesting during these COVID times. With no car, living on a massive hill and the taxi restrictions I’m unable to come and go as I please. Taxis are still available Mon-Fri 8 am to 5 pm at a steeper price. With work being slow it’s hard to justify a $ 40-day rental or taxi ride plus spending money all day. I occasionally get rides but not having the freedom to go get groceries or drinking water whenever I want is hurting my self-esteem, I feel powerless. I feel it’s hurting my quality of life and creating more loneliness than saving money. I’m trying to not dip into my savings during this Q-time out and doing ok so far. I started keeping track of all money in and out, I have never had to do that before, it doesn’t feel great but it will empower me later.

So back to 3 days of drinking. It started on Sunday and then I skated through somehow some way to here AF Day 1. I made lots of progress even though I was drinking, so definitely a high functioning drinker. I don’t like the way my body feels at all, my sleep is awful, and in only 3 days? How did I do this for weeks maybe months at a time? I overdid it the first night and weaned down the following nights, hence the excuse earlier I’ll only have one at lunch. That has rarely ever happened for me, rarely.

I can wholeheartedly admit I feel so much better sober. I still don’t see physical changes but I will take a Day 1 and Day 30 and let you know that goes. To help further with dehydration and anxiety I’m pushing coffee to treat status instead of every day. Today I feel lethargic, low energy, fuzzy, anxious, and wanting to drink to stop feeling this way. The past 3 days I have been spending more money, pushing off responsibilities, and not moving forward in living my best life. I’ve been sad and feeling like crap, thanks, Karen.

Imagine an actual in real life friend making you feel this way? Would it be easier to call it quits? This is why years ago I turned wine into a person, Karen. Karen was not being a good friend at that time in my life and I made her as real as I could. At times she was the most important person, the only person that understood how to soothe all my emotions. I can see at times when she has helpful and I will forever appreciate those moments. However those times are never enough to counterbalance any time I have been harmful to myself or the people I care about. Now and for sometime Karen is creating emotions like the real housewives reality tv show, this is unacceptable.

With my new strategies in play and reinforcing what has been working I’m feeling ready to shine!

I will never, ever.

AF Day 3

Have you ever said “I will never, ever” and somehow, someway, here you are? You’re standing in that place you said never, ever, ever you would be. Stomp your foot, sure in your bones never ever. That was my day. It started off a hazy morning practice indoors. Living on the Iron Shore I get to enjoy ocean spray, smoke, salt, etc creeps in often as you can see. I love the feel of the fresh air and enjoy every deep breath a little more knowing how fresh it is here compared to my city life.

Where did I never, ever, ever think I would be. Teaching water aerobics on the side of the pool in yoga pants on in a bikini in the water. Never ever till today at 10 am. These clients are great people, easy to get along with, and asked a few times so I said let’s do this. A new adventure that I swore never, ever, and there were doubts. I don’t enjoy quick movements outside of power yoga rarely. I loved a friend so much I tried Jazzercise for 2 months, I’m the worst. If this movement is new to, Jazzercise, think of jazzed up exercise in tempo. Full body, intense and dramatic. I danced in gay bars occasionally and was ready to bring it. I was wrong, no clue what I was walking into. This is straight-up exercise choreography and I’m no Jlo. (I wanted to be a fly girl so bad) The song and movements are always the same and everyone but my friend and I knew the moves. All of them. My friend loved it and I was about to go into an anxiety attack. LOL, I tried it 3 times a week for 2 months. Nope, I went a totally different route and never went back or even tried.

Now here I am, shaking it like Shakira and having a great time. I knew a week ago I was doing this class but I wasn’t feeling it. I teach yoga not aerobics, I have said this many times before with a sassy turned up nose. I have been pushing away a lot of work and simply need to figure out. Making it through this COVID economy on the rock or move back to the states and slang real estate. This morning a memory came up on my social and it was a picture of Richard Simmons doing a glitter squat. It’s ridiculous, lovely and I’m feeling it. The way he moves to be happy and encourages others, I love it. I watched a few videos, wrote a few sequences down, and finally felt inspired. The class went well and rebooked twice a week

The rest of the day was busy work online, I feel overall ok. I’m still overeating like crazy, at least the binging is on healthy foods and at home. Just no smoking to curb the eating and once this coffee runs out I’m calling it a treat again too. I’m tracking all these changes and super stoked for sleep. Tomorrow another fun alcohol-free day. I keep getting invited to parties and end up not going. By the looks of things on stories, it’s always a good idea. Home alone almost every night is getting old but way better than alone with Karen.

Work is feeling good but future the is bleak. The airlines are cutting more people and the hotel is laying off more for 90 days allowed by the government as of recent. Please let this be the bottom. Crime is high and violent but without tourism I’m not sure how many will survive.

Karen was around today actually and I thought about her strongly twice. I don’t want to do it in public because I told people I quit for July. I admit I slipped up but not that I want to keep at it. Home safe so not today Satan!  

And Breathe

AF Day 2

I’m feeling good overall today. It wasn’t pretty and intentionally drinking to not feel for a few days in a row. Drinking alone was never my thing before until COVID.  Just me and Karen, hanging out and finding ways to keep going down the drain. Sad music, sure why not; overeat and then feel bad about it, easy stuff.  Not call my friends, do yoga, or simply stop and breathe. It’s wild this is me before I drank to be social now hide so no one sees me.

I think it’s also why I shy from pictures, I have had shame about drinking alcohol. My family has had input, I checked myself into rehab, therapists have recommended quitting, for real enough red flags right? There is so much more than alcohol has done to shake my standing and here I am. One time I went to….let me spill that tea another time.  Back to these recent shenanigans.

As I sit here it’s kind of all a blur. There were some classes, rained out days, a lot of food, and a lot of time alone with Karen.  This really needs to change.  I had a moment about drinking with my coach and we had great banter. I have loads of feelings and learning how to cope and numb it out. It feels a lot like anger however I a trying to get below that.  Yeah, that’s right this little lady gets angry and has lost her composure a few times.  I was already spiraling from cruisin for a bruisin.  Next, I’m losing my mind over something I have very little control over, it feels super disrespectful and it is tied to money. Duked that out with the life coach and here I am day 2 AF.  

Amongst my throwing a pity party with Karen I had wins. This is part of the problem, I became a high functioning drinker in my corporate hay days. Back to the wins!! I started to massage again, only word of mouth, and mostly on the weekends for now. The girls are having great classes at the resort and I decided to get spanked or thanked to move forward there, done with that BS.  Looking to create a workshop to train people in low-income places like drug rehab centers, orphanages, etc so they can teach a basic class, meditate and breathe.

AF Day 1 it started with the breath.  I woke up hungover for sure.  Luckily my class canceled for weather and I had very little I had to do. So I breathed slowly and intentionally.  I teach meditation and breathwork yet here I am not breathing.  Your breath is your greatest teacher and has healed me. This is why I teach breathing, it literally changed my life. However, I haven’t maintained my practice. How can I know this in my mind and yet it’s all out the window for that Bitch Karen. Slow down your breathing to allow your body and mind to follow.  This is one of the reasons I started my practice, I always hold my breath. Big inhale, big exhale.

I started a bullet journal yesterday and going to track my life in a grid. Monitoring my mood, stimulants, possible food triggers like dairy, sleep, etc… The journal will help manage my life more, create a second brain, and look at myself as a science project.  How else can we evaluate and edit often?  I do wish it was online since I travel so much though.  Feeling good about everything so far.  

It’s 6pm and all the stores are closed so I made it through day 2, Good night my friends and tonight take a few deep breaths once your head hits the pillow.

Use Your Words

AF Day 1

One day of drinking turned into three days. I never overdid it thankfully even though I really wanted to the first night. I was crusin’ hard. There was a bottle of wine the night before and 4 beers yesterday, why does making how much I drank public feel better? Is this seeking out for justification I don’t have a drinking problem, an excuse in that is ok that I broke my goal and or seeking validation that this time was ok?  What I am ok with is that I’m eating. in the moment and got to help a friend with using her words.  Now with these few days behind me, I have noticed a huge difference in my body between sober living to daily light drinking. I am digging how the sober feels.

Right away my sleep went to crap, up weird hours at night, feeling anxious and I swear my breath is strong. I feel heavier, bloated, and a little shaky (going with a bit too much coffee with this one partially, I need to make a swap out). The plus within this madness is at 3 am this morning a friend posted on FB if anyone was awake. She’s my old roommate from when I was a young, chunky 22, and the sweetest Texas girl ever. Her voice and expressions, fill up my heart, and feels like home. I know she was struggling and gave her a call. She is drinking beer and smoking cigarettes in her driveway, it’s 4 am there. She wakes up in the middle of the night stresses out while her family is sleeping not to bother them. This is not typical, this is COVID behavior for her and scaring her. This is mirroring what is going on with me. Hiding and hating myself. 

Yes sometimes I smoke and if you see it I’m drunk, stressed, or both. I didn’t smoke till I was 27, I was overeating again so I started to smoke to not get fat. Now I still stress eat from time to time.  I have found my peace with it as long as it only lasts a day or so. Longer that than that I will go further down the drain with “now I am going to get fat, let’s smoke cigarettes instead”. Shaking my head right now thinking about this, like really this is what is going through my educated mind, so dumb yet we share this secret. We are pretty raw with each other, she has taught me many great things about being authentically yourself.

She’s a school teacher for little ones and they may be starting soon in class. She needs the money but afraid of getting COVID and bringing it home. She hasn’t been able to hug her mom let alone visit with her since her immune system is fragile. This pandemic is terrible for so many people mentally in ways we will not understand for some time. We hang up and promise to do it more often. I love my girl gang and thankful to put this no drinking out there so we can band together with no shame. 

After visiting with my Texas partner in crime, my client this morning chatted me up about her struggles and my sober living. I was a little nervous at first until a huge smile came over her.  She expressed how hard it has been for her to get back in a healthy routine during this pandemic.  Consistency is key in creating how healthy feels and the rest always seems to fall into place.  We are both single ladies on the rock and laughed about how our current dating has thrown us off our game too. Remember the odds are good here but the goods are odd.  We did agree that when we are living our healthiest lives we have to beat the fellas off with a stick. HAHAHA. It’s wildly true. When I’m kicking ass in being healthy the fellas show up, dropping off applications left and right. I admire her energy and grateful to have clients with her. They both shared their words and made a beautiful positive effect on me. 

On the other side of the use of your words spectrum, I have also been hanging with a man of few words. I really enjoy his company however he doesn’t say too much in emotions. He shows his love in pampering and taking care of but rarely says anything sweet or enduring. He craves connection physically, loves to hold me, and shares his passion. I can’t tell you if he ever said I was beautiful. I need a partner who uses his words. That is a love language thing right?   I want attention, cuddles, exercise, and food, I sound more like a puppy love language right now.  

Both ladies taught me that talking and using my words helps release fears and create stronger relationships with people of the same values. His lack of emotional vernacular creates self-doubt and confusion. I believe these are all signs that I need to use my words. Like writing this blog/book, keep talking to my friends about my sobriety instead of hiding in a castle by the sea.  I need to be ready for when I do reach out or share my story that not everyone wants to hear it.  This has happened in the past and triggered my drinking.  Now that I know this trigger I need to be ready this will happen again, so many triggers in my life right now.  Does it become easier or harder in time? 

I will keep searching on how to use my words instead of calling on Karen to fill in that space.  She never says what I need to hear, she just talks so loud I can’t hear my own words.  

Cruisin for a Bruisin

AF Day 0 ~ It’s about the journey right?

I was ready to drink on my 8th day. I was cruisin for a bruisin, looking to get my feelings hurt to blame for drinking. Oh trust me, I’m so good at it and knew where to find it. My emotions had been so volatile after the three days of being alone and I was coming home alone again. My ex had been blowing me up for 2 days, overdid it on the caffeine, getting bummed out about all these parties I’m not going to and mad I’m overeating to feel like shit. Well not like being hungover feels like, that’s my good morning friends.

I was happyish with a few downswings the past few days and so sure where I was on my sober journey that I moved my 1000 hours, 3 months, and 100 days yesterday and today they will be moved again. Motherf’er, literally shaking my head and laughing at the same time. As a forever student there is always a lesson never a failure. I learned a lot about my stresses and I did reach out after I drank. I wasn’t going to tell anyone and act like it never happened. That is not what this is about these pages will be about, it about the process, and thank you for allowing me to share it with you as a tool for my sobriety and hopefully someone else’s.

I was curious a few times throughout my evening with Karen. We had fun in the moments, did some productive work and then I would be sad. I think I wanted to be sad. It was like all this pent up and I had to let it burst. I’m learning how to manage my emotions. How to field them before it gets to a painful point. I tell people to breathe, meditate, and here I am acting out with Karen. Now I have my confirmation that what I did last night is not healthy and no longer tolerated. So happy I reached out to my guru and excited for our meeting today. I want to practice living in sobriety as a core belief, not for one day, one month, one-year thing, for life. Now what exactly that looks like I’m not sure but I sure know how I want to feel. I want to feel secure and fulfilled in me no matter what I chose in life. Nothing is guaranteed, I feel you on that. Simply know that I’m a woman who likes to gamble, and I would bet on me.

One of the most unmagical things about being an adult is meeting people where they are in life at that moment.  People excuse my behavior at times and I need to do the same. Understand what their intentions overall are and think through those eyes. When I make mistakes it’s a reflection of me, not them and vice versa. Even when it hurts, there is something probably more hurt in them. I believe that will stop a lot of this anger that is rising up and I’m practicing a lot, issues in those tissues are flowing out. No more cruisin for a bruisin, I’ve practiced that enough and I’m great at it, done. Next adventure! 

Week One and Done

AF Day 8 – Good Morning

I have lots of emotions today but it could be this morning’s coffee. The last three days have been an eating festival for one in my belly, sprinkled with a few wins and lows. Big plus I have been experimental cheffing with the extra bonus of it’s all healthy besides some cheap cheese. I searched for new recipes using a platform that I am trying to learn for social media for the cherry on top! Learning every day to make my new lifestyle fun and less a work learning curve.

The week overall has been easy to not drink however being alone is not good. I spent most of the last 3 days alone and all-day yesterday there was not one vocal exchange or interaction. I’m shy to reach out and COVID-time out has been extra tough with the number lockdown. I’m very thankful for the freedoms we do have on this side of the rock, other parts are not so lucky. Here I can go to the resort, dive (kind of), snorkel, teach, and hang out on one of the world’s most beautiful beaches. The problem is I’m not into doing this alone often so I just don’t do it. What a shame right? Keeping that in mind when I work with my coach on Thursday.

I should have gone through my birthday wishes, it’s been since May. I keep saving it for a sad day, this week had 2 pretty sad opportunities. Next time hopefully, I want to break that old emotional loop, yeah trigger talk. I should have done a long part of my to-do list, I should have reached out, I should blah blah blah.

Instead, I distracted myself with an online class for 6 hours and cheffing. I could feel this loneliness caress me from behind, exactly how I crave my partner too. It starts off with a good feeling like, Oh I can’t wait till it’s my turn, the first kiss, stealing glances, all that twitterpated stuff and then I think who could it be? My heart sinks, the problem with that is the rock only has so much to offer in partners. The odds are good but the goods are odd. This rock is a retirement haven or backpackers heaven, I just happen to be in-between. I really need to reshape this feeling about alone, especially in lockdown. This feeling started when I took this adventure 15 months ago. When I was offered the studio I had to think about the dating here. My best friend at the time and I discussed there would be a high chance I would be single If I decided to stay. Boom, look where I am, gotta shift this thought.

I enjoy being single but with no girl gang and COVID, I think that’s why the feelings are heightened. I’m tired of the internet and crave interaction with witty, fun banter. I tried online dating years five years ago from here but they all wanted me back in the states, which I clearly stated I wouldn’t in my bio. Maybe now with all this pandemic, people will be more open to it?

The other big win is I’m becoming clearer every day how I want to live my life. Being alone and sulking is not a good option, lessons learned too. My next few days are full of people, good times, and staying sober will only help me feel healthier. Hoping to buy my own dive gear this week, keep cultivating my inner circle of friends, and staying AF! I have access to a car, making money to buy groceries and ramping up my business steadily with great clients and monetary exchage.

Week 2 let’s get adventurous!

A little extra jiggle in my wiggle

AF Day 6 – hmmm, what to eat next?

My Daily Walk Home To The Top

I’m wildly full and want a snack before I brush my teeth. I have been eating non-stop for 2 days, I think it’s to fill my time and replace the sugar addiction Karen shared with me. My days are wake up coffee, yoga, go teach, steep walk then a tag team of eating and working online. I’ve been allowing it since it’s not drinking and mostly healthy foods, mostly. Is there such a thing as too much peanut butter, asking for a friend? Well it’s ridiculous and I feel like a water balloon with a rubber band around the middle. Ready to burst in any moment.

Thankfully I know how to adjust to my new found over eating. I’ll fast till lunch then eat simple and easy the next few days to counterbalance my truffle shuffle. Not like when I would hang with Karen, nothing comparable. I may feel bloated today but after a good night with Karen the next day(s) were nightmares. What did I say, who did I say that too? I spent what and ate what? The shame and guilt. Oh crap I drove? Where is this bruise from? I’ll take that extra jiggle in my wiggle over Karen filled regrets any day but not every day. Now what to snack on next….Cheese!

Classes have been great lately and my private business began without trying. Once I meet with my coach and Mr Resort I’ll go public. I’ll have a clear idea how I want to put this out there. Currently other studios are charging $3 to $5 a class and $35 for a massage. My minimum is $8 group and $20 private, need to make sure to bring the feels and have some kind of tangible result. I have a few irons in the fire at the moment. Thinking a BroFitness, bootcamp and a yoga/breathwork and dive. I want to create a boot camp for a month once the number system stops and we can drive at least once a week again.

Overall I feel pretty good. My body is sore today since I picked up the walking and yoga practice. I will keep ramping it up so my body feels ready to make videos by the end of the month. My practice is strong and doing things and gaining more core strength weekly. The beach is amazing and I need to take advantage of the zero people and perfect background. I feel behind the eight-ball on not doing this soon, need to quit stalling.

I found a bullet journal that tracks food/mood and sleep patterns, going to start that tonight. You can see if anything you are tracking is causing bad sleep, bad moods like food, exercise, or meditation. Plus I love quantifiable information, with graphs and charts.

Today I had two separate friends talk about drinking with me when they know I am having a Dry July and the other knows it’s a year. Dry July friend sent that meme where they are playing flip cup in the mirror and the year is bringing a delicious red, my favorite Karen, in December. Last time I quit drinking I started oddly this time last year with an amazing champagne. I had been sober for 6 weeks till this blog. That was a long year.

Examples like this make me appreciate my new found inner circle. I expect this to keep happening since my sobriety is new and it’s ok my friends talk to me this way, they mean well. I hope in time it fades or I will need to stay on alert when we hang out. Now the beer pong no feels at all, the other option will be my ultimate Karen. The holidays with a tasty, expensive, smooth, red wine, I swear it’s turning me on and a huge trigger even now in this moment. Making July Dry public was one of the best things I have done for myself and I can’t believe I had so much resistance to it.

Making cheese nachos and then off to rest. Tomorrow will be a week AF, big breath out.

4th of July – AF

Day 4 AF

It’s the evening of my first AF 4th of July since I can remember and it kind of sucks. I’m sitting at home alone and the evening is effortlessly beautiful. The moon is illuminated on a full moon’s eve, I can hear and see the ocean crash into the Iron Shore as a cool wind slips through the house. Moments like these are exactly why I live here. Why is this not enough?

I can’t tell you the countless moments I’ve had that struck me in awe only to be alone and leaving yearning for more. I moved often as a kid and wasn’t able to create to experience long term relationships. I didn’t know this skillset romantic or platonic. As a kid there was no internet in my life till high school, I took a class on how to use an electronic typewriter. I had a pen pal or two but my parents started to read my letters and I got grounded for real. Ask me later ; )

Growing up I started over so many times with new people from diverse backgrounds. Who knew it would prepare me to live internationally without blinking an eye. However it took away learning to have long term relationships. I even had many years living without my sisters several different times and with that we missed out on a lot of sister things. Thankfully we are stronger today than ever before, miss your faces.

On the rock people are transient. Even I left a couple of years ago with zero plans to come back to live. 100% Nada. You make good friends and then a year or so later they leave, often here. I’ve had more heart breaks losing girlfriends than the fellas by far. Going on a girl gang dive is fun and rare for some reason. Recently I decided to get my own gear for diving to go my once a week minimum. I live right next to one of the most beautiful parts of a reef in the world. Shore dive close to top that off. With the COVID time out the water is amazing and full of fish and sharks! A hammerhead keeps slinking by, I can’t wait to see it.

My preference would be a partner than a friend, true story. However I need to be that good partner first. I want to giggle for saying that for some reason or maybe more like I know it’s true that’s what’s holding me back. I’m tired of settling and wondering why I’m unhappy. I understand the fact that some women want to be caught, I want to be captivated.

Let me explain the detour in conversation. When we meet you’ll see how I intertwined 5 stories to 1 marvelous event. Sometimes you may have to remind me why I started, not often and hopefully even less now since I’m sober. Boom another bonus, I love how I am starting to feel.

Back to being sober on the 4th. I do like how I have felt the passed few days. My appearance is still a little rough for my liking. My thoughts are by the end of the month I’ll start having my skin back. I use to have an evening a week where I polished myself and loved it. That was one of the first things I stopped when I started to go down the drain. I’d start to drink and couldn’t polish very well and got less interested. I felt amazing the other day with the Dr, that was the first time in awhile. To help with getting my mojo back I decided to add Self-Care Sunday to my business for social media and eventually video by the end of the month. That’s right video, thanks guru!

I did get to spend a lot of time with Ms Guru and even my favorite Bee came by. Taught yoga in 3 beautiful locations and landed an water aerobics weekly gig. I have told myself I hate water aerobics and here I am. I better get better sunblock.

I did have 2 moments of wanting to drink. We were at a restaurant, which does not happen often anymore, and a glass of wine was served to the table behind me. Thank goodness I could not take Karen sitting over there with him and not me too. It was short lived, if I was alone I’m not sure I would have been so easy. Hello, here is a trigger for now. Second time was today. A friend let me down that I was sweet on, it’s for the best. I was upset and looked at the time 4:56, the store closes at 5, not enough time to meet up with Karen. Thankfully I was saved, I could feel my body reaching out and wanting the comfort.

Karen had been on my mind all morning. A friend messaged me he got into a fight with a bottle of red the night before and sorry he missed out chat. I love red wine, that’s my girl. This happens a lot I have recently noticed. 2 days ago another friend sent the picture in the post “This made me think of you ; ) miss you my island sister”. This lady is awesome and wild in a great way. Drinks heavily here and I keep up most of the times we hang out. We have a genuinely good time and never has a bad thing happened besides being hungover. As any good island sister of mine, we love the same style of yoga and will Namas-play it up till I feel stronger in being AF.

Now after getting all that of my chest, I’m typing here feeling grateful to be AF. Learning my triggers has been so helpful and important so I can use my emotions to guide me, not overwhelm me like in the past. I had lost respect for myself for a small list of things I can remember, since then forgive myself and doing better. I’m ramping up again to have enough work that keeps me healthy in all aspects (mental, physical, emotional and financial) and fostering the same environments for like minded people on the rock. An overwhelming of knowing this is true is washing over me, Happy 4th of July.

Change Your Hair, Change Your Life

AF Day 2

The end of day 2 is in the books again. Felt really great all day, slept ok and I really want that to improve. I actually found Magnesium tablets (they help you relax to sleep and in a brand I trust), at the grocery today, I have been looking since the holidays. I’ll have to take pictures one day of the difference in grocery stores here. It’s has improved a lot in over 5 years. COVID has it a little bare but loads of local produce, and there is a truck that comes to my house.

NO SAND DAY!! Yes, you heard me no sand day. Why today? Because I’m rocking my new haircut. Why is this important? I work at a beach resort and in sand every day, it’s random if not everywhere on my body along with being in the heat most times. I promise you have a different look when you are beachside 5 to 7 days a week. A few times a month I have full no sand days. I wear shoes that were made to be cute, clothes that are not multi-purpose sportswear, maybe a nice bra, slight makeup, hair down with jewelry, and possibly perfume if I know we are avoiding the sand fleas. My pre-rock everyday living daily outfit that I miss dearly sometimes. I’m trying to have a little black dress party at the resort, maybe we can wear masks but make it fancy-ish? Hmmm, will work on that.

Today’s other big to do besides the grocery was the Eye Dr. As I get ready to leave the car won’t turn over. Please not today Satan, this is not my car and already have fear to use it. Sweaty, not even 10 minutes today. One of the workers was at the house and quickly jumped my ride. Please don’t let this day drive me crazy, I was not craving alcohol at all surprisingly and don’t want the excuse that I’m annoyed. I feel kind of over it. The Dr. is sweet on me a little so it was the funniest exam I’ve had in a while. Not my type, unfortunately, 28 taller gentleman, not shy however I prefer more ambitious and groomed. He flirts with me a little and was happy to help and be close to me. Of course, my green textured tank top was fitted and showed just enough cleavage ; ) We were the only ones there and I had a full tour. A little random mixture of the examining room, surgery room, lots of equipment, a 4-foot painting of Jesus overlooking an eye doctor, and a wooden Sancho that when you pulled the hat up it exposes his member. This all prompted a little teasing and flirting with weird questions. It was a fun, sweet, and nice change of pace. Finished my errands and then sat down to the most social media responses ever in my life. More than my birthday.

The gift of asking for help from my friends flamed the fires for me to put “Dry in July” on my private life media-wise. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Why was I so scared? I think because in person I get the “it’s your birthday”. “we are at the beach”. I live in a paradise where most people retire and vacation, there is always a reason. When I quit smoking people didn’t push smoking on you, they ask if you are sure you want one. Smoking was a short stint in my life and pops up on occasion. Gross and stupid, I know.

I have had to create new boundaries with friends in the past when I put Karen away. My best friend of years kept buying me drink after I was out of rehab, it hurt the heart but healed my soul. Picking the right circle is so important, what your daily normal surrounding will dictate so much in your life.

I was talking to my fabulous hair guru today, recited to her “if you stand the barbershop long enough, you’re bound to get a haircut”. I learned this gem of philosophy in that rehab stint mentioned above and it always stuck with me. “Change your hair and change your life” is something I’ve said that since I was stylist eons ago. I can’t explain the transformation a great confidante hairstyle can do for someone. I had to change my barbershop to change my hair to change my life, this is part of the gift that unfolded to encourage me along the way. My guru also cut all my dead ends off to a super cute short curly healthy mess. Let the new adventure begin.

Dry July

AF Day 1

Good morning friends, today is the day. HAHAHA I know, I know… I keep trying but stick out with me a little longer, I got this. I have so much going on and my to do list is getting longer and longer. Drinking had me spinning my wheels and feelings are everywhere. Dry July is on like donkey kong and this to do list is going to get worked. I have gathered key people who are supporting my journey and I’m not ashamed anymore. It sucks that I can’t drink alcohol but I want so much more. I know I could keep drinking and live a decent life but it’s not fulfilling. I have been settling left and right, gross.

My eyes are tearing up, why is this so emotional? I feel like I failed as a person and not living my values. This is so simple, don’t drink alcohol. I have had sober months, even a year in my 20’s, I quit using drugs and so many other bad behaviors. Karen has her claws in me for long enough and we are breaking up today.

Speaking with Mr B the other day the knowing came up. I use to know I was a force to be reckoned with and there was nothing that I couldn’t do. The past year I have been floating along and letting life happen to me. I would gain momentum, have a strong moment and then some thing would take the wind out of my sails. Now with COVID I really need to get to action, think differently and make changes. The wild thing is my goals are still the same work from anywhere, quality time with people I care about and a healthy lifestyle. Simple right? I love it and super excited.

I know I can be AF and thank you for believing in me. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve had in a long time, thank you. Cheers my friends and join me for Dry July!