AF Day 1
The sunrises are amazing here and a perfect one like this morning for my AF Day 1. It’s been a few days since my last entry since I was drinking with Karen again. I blamed the WIFI not working for no long updates however that is just a lame excuse. I have enlisted a few close friends to read my blog to hold me accountable. I can also reach out to them at any time and feel confident I can so I knew better. I hid from my friends so I could keep rolling with Karen for a few days. I wanted to drink today of course to stop feeling like crap from the past few days, so glad I didn’t, big body melting exhale. I woke up feeling like crap and was telling myself if I drink just one glass at lunch and then tomorrow day 1. I even started to write this journal in the morning and I was sure I was drinking at lunchtime so I stopped, I didn’t want to jinx myself or have another day 1 journal back to back. End of the day here, woo hoo AF Day 1 in the books.
My plans changed luckily and ended spending time with Mr&Mrs B and crew. They are not big drinkers and totally into the same woo hoo stuff I am into. I really love how I feel hanging out with these people. I feel supported, loved and that allows me to be honest, vulnerable, and compassionate with no fear of being taken advantage of or misunderstood. I enjoy our banter as well, super helpful and they make me think about situations not dishing out advice or repeating gossip. This was such an AHA moment today. I need to stick to my inner circle boundary for now. I have many people that I feel good being around and aligned with my currents goals. When I am lonely reach out to my inner circle and be prepared to make a few different calls and don’t give in to toxic friendships because it is easy. I will engage on my social media with my sober focused family, try to video distant friends, I have an entire list of things I can do sober and lonely. LOL Don’t we all make lists like this? SMH
My goal is being able to recognize what typically triggers me and intervene before I hear Karen calling my name. I’m excited to reset this loop within my mind and body. With removing alcohol, bullet journaling, working with my coach and therapist I know this is the time to take care of this once and for all. When I’m humming along I can walk away from Karen happy hours with ease, honestly, they stop being options and that is where I want to get to. I don’t want to go through every day thinking how I can’t have alcohol, I want my day to be filled with so many other goodnesses that there is simply no room for wine in my life any longer.
Right now my main trigger is feeling lonely. I enjoy being alone so it’s confusing a little and finding that balance will be interesting during these COVID times. With no car, living on a massive hill and the taxi restrictions I’m unable to come and go as I please. Taxis are still available Mon-Fri 8 am to 5 pm at a steeper price. With work being slow it’s hard to justify a $ 40-day rental or taxi ride plus spending money all day. I occasionally get rides but not having the freedom to go get groceries or drinking water whenever I want is hurting my self-esteem, I feel powerless. I feel it’s hurting my quality of life and creating more loneliness than saving money. I’m trying to not dip into my savings during this Q-time out and doing ok so far. I started keeping track of all money in and out, I have never had to do that before, it doesn’t feel great but it will empower me later.
So back to 3 days of drinking. It started on Sunday and then I skated through somehow some way to here AF Day 1. I made lots of progress even though I was drinking, so definitely a high functioning drinker. I don’t like the way my body feels at all, my sleep is awful, and in only 3 days? How did I do this for weeks maybe months at a time? I overdid it the first night and weaned down the following nights, hence the excuse earlier I’ll only have one at lunch. That has rarely ever happened for me, rarely.
I can wholeheartedly admit I feel so much better sober. I still don’t see physical changes but I will take a Day 1 and Day 30 and let you know that goes. To help further with dehydration and anxiety I’m pushing coffee to treat status instead of every day. Today I feel lethargic, low energy, fuzzy, anxious, and wanting to drink to stop feeling this way. The past 3 days I have been spending more money, pushing off responsibilities, and not moving forward in living my best life. I’ve been sad and feeling like crap, thanks, Karen.
Imagine an actual in real life friend making you feel this way? Would it be easier to call it quits? This is why years ago I turned wine into a person, Karen. Karen was not being a good friend at that time in my life and I made her as real as I could. At times she was the most important person, the only person that understood how to soothe all my emotions. I can see at times when she has helpful and I will forever appreciate those moments. However those times are never enough to counterbalance any time I have been harmful to myself or the people I care about. Now and for sometime Karen is creating emotions like the real housewives reality tv show, this is unacceptable.
With my new strategies in play and reinforcing what has been working I’m feeling ready to shine!