Feeling Good

AF Day 2 – End of Day


What a difference a few days can make. It’s the end of the day AF 2, I’m tired but overall I feel amazing. Confirmed my dad is moving here, the airport is opening soon which means work, buying a car and the number system for circulation will end. Now all this will take time to happen but what amazing things to look forward to.


I didn’t want to drink today surprisingly. I woke up with guilt about how I was all Dry July and couldn’t make it. In July I did drink way less, about 60% less of what my recent late nights with Karen have been during this pandemic. This is a huge plus but not a win and I was treating it like a fail. Is this a perfectionist trait, because this has been my recent pattern. I give in to a drink, then the next morning well it’s only day 1, I already messed it up and have to start again so why not tomorrow can be day 1. Then I would kick it with Karen for 2 to 5 days in a row. Letting a day turn into several days of drinking shadow 10/14 days of sobriety. I was feeling embarrassed, sad, and a little worried I may need more help than I think right now.


Then a new social media friend posted how she went 73 days and drank on the 74. Woke up feeling like crap and back on the wagon immediately. She learned her lesson and or got what she needed out of the experience. It was with Karen by the way, a delicious red. It resonated with me deeply and will take that with me.


I have been sober curious since April, well saying no more Karen but hanging out anyways. I need to remember when I lean into things I may not be perfect but try every day and soon it becomes a way of life. I hope with all my heart it’s the isolation and COVID creating this extra layer of a struggle for me. There will be trials and tribulations throughout my adventures and I’m ready for a new pattern that is healthy and helpful.


Now my dad coming to the rock will be amazing, I need to give him a week in case he changes his mind though. He is notorious for changing his mind with little explanation and quick execution. This is a habit I picked up in life and love it most of the time, live passionately or not at all. This will be good for my sobriety, I hope! HAHA, I kid with him around there will be any pluses. Knowing someone who loves you is so close will be so comforting especially after being far for years. Then this will inspire my sisters to visit as well.


Another big help today was my morning routine. I have been lazy creating my morning routine and I enjoy having one. Today I found my jam and that set the tone for the day. I did make my coffee so strong I couldn’t finish a cup and could smell colors. That will be my last cup in this house for some time, I miss you already bean water friend. My morning consist of not getting on my phone for the first 30 mins or so if possible. Brush my teeth, lemon water with meditation and movement, write in my bullet journal, confirmed my day, create any classes, shower, and then time to make the doughnuts. It was a good day.

It’s unusually hot here today, no wind, and the sea was glass. Not a bad view for a yoga class on a Tuesday?

Let’s Dive In

Af Day 2

Waking up today feeling fresh and clean. Yesterday was a hard day to manage through so drained from Karen conversations through the weekend. I slept terrible the night before and had a private first thing. I can fake it till I make it poolside but in their personal space, mostly since it was sweating out wine from the night before typically till recently. Ugh I hated the way my breath was heavy and I felt my sweat was off, being alcohol free solves all that. I had a moment Sunday and finally had an anxiety attack. It feels so good for the release, I can feel these toxic things build up and I have anxiety about my anxiety till I can’t take it anymore and break apart. I’m leaning on changing break apart to letting go.

So I need to change my patterns and have faith that things always work out for me. Typically always better than I expected, especially after I am able to slow down and be in the moment. Once I’m able to settle into situations that created these fear I’m able to become more curious in finding the beauty and fun. In my new homework I ask myself ” I feel (fill in the blank) because (fill in the blank). Why does that make me feel (fill in the blank)? Same question over and over till you find the root cause or something I can change to help with my fears. I have practiced this with my coach and we did a few negative things and that was a little hard at first and silly actually. Then later on my own I did a few positives and that really helped solidify why I love living here.

One of the reasons I live here on this rock is the diving. Look how gorgeous the water is? This picture was taken a few days ago. MS is a funny guy and it’s his birthday today, Happy Birthday friend! The clarity of the ocean is amazing and even more sense there is no tourist or cruise ships creating pollution. I really hope people hold value on how clean everything is and try to preserve it. The water, the island over all is so very clean and way less polluted. I feel amazingly lucky to be here and will be diving again on Wednesday and then once a week! I’m going to recruit other woman in the area to join me so to help spread my circle in the community, thinking every Monday afternoon. Some version of this picture will be my 1:30 Monday afternoon meeting. My life is a dream come true and why I will figure this out.

I’ve come to a realization that this is such an amazing time to be on this island and I need to find a way to make this work while enjoying my quality of life. I always, always, always find a way to make it work and have a good time doing it. Taking the money out of my savings for a car is what put me over the edge about anxiety, and I have come to terms with it. I want to have a better quality of life or I need to find another rock to thrive on. I have been surviving for over a year creating a wellness business at the resort and I am so close!! I almost had 300 yogis in August, if not this year the next and surprise we all get to stay home, thanks COVID. In the last year there were months I may have made $500 and it’s not the quality of life I want to have. I want to have a car or access to one at all times especially since there is not public transportation consistently available anywhere. I did promise myself no more reaching into my savings after the car and talking to a financial advisor on Thursday. I haven’t dip in it in a long time and that creates the confidence I need to let go of that anxiety with losing all my money.

With this new understanding I have come to appreciate my anxiety. Yes I should be uncomfortable with using money from my savings, otherwise I would have wasted it years ago with nothing to show for it. Now with a better quality of life, the ability to make more money and an extra layer of security this is exactly what my savings is for. Plus I’m only taking only 5%, debt free and finally doing something with my savings so it can continue to grow or work for me in some way. The car is looking like a smoking good deal too! It’s not my style, however the positives and its was very well taken care of with an amazing clean interior. The biggest fear was the hill I live on and the car zipped right up my crazy steep hill, took it like a champ no problems with the aircon on. Super good people too, friends of the Mr & Mrs B and that is a added layer of confidence. Ran the CarFax two accidents with no towing needed, this is typical for Honduras. Computer checked with only one thing popped up, typically a car of this price the dashboard is lit up like christmas since there really isn’t any laws about the vehicle condition and the mechanic will be checking it later this week. Pics once adopted. Fingers crossed this or better.

Today is good day, I was to have a photoshoot but it was canceled since the rock is on a circulation number system. You can only drive if your id ends in a certain number on a certain day with zero driving on weekends. Monday through Friday is 1 through 5 and the next week 6 through 0. Luckily everyone is doing home delivery and it is affordable otherwise I would be in trouble. It has been this way for over a month. I can drive with in my community and the End so it’s not as bad as other areas, again another reason I am so grateful to be here in this moment now.

Off to enjoy another sober adventure in paradise.

Dry July

AF Day 1

Good morning friends, today is the day. HAHAHA I know, I know… I keep trying but stick out with me a little longer, I got this. I have so much going on and my to do list is getting longer and longer. Drinking had me spinning my wheels and feelings are everywhere. Dry July is on like donkey kong and this to do list is going to get worked. I have gathered key people who are supporting my journey and I’m not ashamed anymore. It sucks that I can’t drink alcohol but I want so much more. I know I could keep drinking and live a decent life but it’s not fulfilling. I have been settling left and right, gross.

My eyes are tearing up, why is this so emotional? I feel like I failed as a person and not living my values. This is so simple, don’t drink alcohol. I have had sober months, even a year in my 20’s, I quit using drugs and so many other bad behaviors. Karen has her claws in me for long enough and we are breaking up today.

Speaking with Mr B the other day the knowing came up. I use to know I was a force to be reckoned with and there was nothing that I couldn’t do. The past year I have been floating along and letting life happen to me. I would gain momentum, have a strong moment and then some thing would take the wind out of my sails. Now with COVID I really need to get to action, think differently and make changes. The wild thing is my goals are still the same work from anywhere, quality time with people I care about and a healthy lifestyle. Simple right? I love it and super excited.

I know I can be AF and thank you for believing in me. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve had in a long time, thank you. Cheers my friends and join me for Dry July!