Ever heard of MSU’ing?  Making Shit Up is a real problem for me when I’m low and I haven’t thought about this in some time.  This concept was brought to me by a therapist ages ago and so relevant right now. My MSU’ing is so fierce and damaging, I would never allow a friend to talk to themselves this way, never. Now I am staying curious about what this behavior is.  Is it a trigger, response, coping method, a habit, or the effects chemically from alcohol, all I know it’s nasty and I need to stay aware.  When going down the alcohol drain my mind focuses on the negatives and the self chatter is horrendous, my eyes are weeping from the memories of the lies I try to tell myself. Most of these people who I think are abandoning me are dealing with their own struggles and trying the best they can.  I need to remember this, be gentle, and know their behavior is not about me.  

Taking everything so personally is something I am trying to grow with. Since making this sober shift slowly ( forward is forward) I will lose friends and change boundaries in relationships, this isn’t a bad thing but painful. I have a hard time letting people go since I don’t want people to give up on me like my mom. Over the course of 3 months, I have changed my relationship with a few people and hung on a few a little too long. I keep hearing you show people how to treat you and of course, I don’t want to believe that however, it is blatantly true.  My ex knows I will call him when I’m struggling and that is why I get the same results again and again. He is pleasantly blocked now and I have been able to pass him on the beach briefly with a smile and pleasantries . Talk about some growth on my end, in my past, I would avoid and be annoyed.  This rock is too small and not enough people here to be petty.  

The past 36 hours have been great surprisingly.  After puking up whatever was left I was never able to return to sleep.  I had to shower off the puke sweats a few times and finally, it was 6 am and the sun was rising and it all passed.  Tropical Storm Nana hit the day before and was to stay around a few days with showers however it ended up being a beautiful day.  After a great morning meditation, I started to reflect on what I do know.  I love the feeling of knowing compared to MSU’ing.  Did I know my friends/family were not including me on purpose? No, I have no idea. If these people are my friends why not ask them directly? This terrible habit of sitting at home with Karen wallowing in self-doubt and so many other nasty thoughts that are simply not true needs to end.  If these thoughts are wildly true then these people are not my friends and I don’t need to go there. I know sometimes I am not invited since I’ve been public about my alcohol worries and that is ok.  I can’t play with everyone all the time. 

Yesterday ended up being super productive. I cleaned the house and washed the sheets, this is something I crave.  Having a clean organized house brings me so much peace, plus fresh bed sheets are amazing!  I focused on my self-care starting with flossing of course. It blows my mind how this little habit is such a catalyst for the rest of my day.  It definitely showed me how important a morning routine for me is and to keep at it even when I don’t want to. Then I boogied off to the supermarket in my new car and what a boost this was, freedom!! My inner fat kid was screaming on the inside and I overdid it on the groceries, way too excited about shopping alone at my own time and pace. Later completed a bunch of little tasks that are building my new path including something so exciting. I have found my path on how to grow my skill sets and narrowed it down to 2 schools, you guys are gonna love this and more info once the details solidify. 

Feeling pumped I reached out to a few friends who I thought were jerks and no surprise they were just wrapped up in their own details. Sometimes I think people should know I am hurting but unless I tell them they would never know.  I’m typically upbeat, bubbly, and super confident so when I need help I have to ask and be honest.  That my friends is hard at the moment but I am sure I will get there soon.  Once I settle into my new space with alcohol I feel I will attract my tribe with my good vibes.  My passion has always beamed from me and easily effects others effortlessly.  A seed needs to crack in order to grow and that is all the feels at this moment. 

After chatting with my hair Guru she wanted to come over and chat about her latest adventure, you know whatever I thought she was avoiding me with. SMH, she was hustling for her passion and so happy to share that with her.  We chatted, pulled some cards, talked about the past two weeks and the up and coming.  It was a huge relief to have her here and knowing I was totally MSU’ing. At night that is when the loneliness sets in and been filling it with Karen and food, none of that tonight. Right now I am replacing food with wine for the moment but it’s starting to make a difference in my weight and not just in my boobs. Still sexy no matter how much my jiggle is in my wiggle.

Today seems like a great day ahead as well.  My morning routine is complete and class at the hotel in a bit. I can not express how much teaching and helping others is such a lift for me and I will always be grateful this is a part of my life.  This afternoon is a little tricky. I’m suppose to go to the brewery with friends and my body feels nervous about it. I want to go and socialize, I miss people so damn much but I will be without my car and my friends will be drinking.  I use to be able to go into a bar and not drink all the time, maybe not today. Right now typing this my physical body reacts and my mind is trying to justify just one is ok.  I can not tell you when I only had one by my own choice, ever. 

The goal for the next few weeks is to witness when I’m MSU’ing and staying honest with myself and people I want to call friends.  Not sure what MSU’ing is but it has a stronghold on me and I’m ready to let it go. 

Well That’s Not Working

I need to journal, I want to journal every day to get to fulfill my sober curious desires. Instead, I am hiding in perfection. That is not what this is, will, or can be about. This blog is about showing up and being honest with myself with you and anyone that needs to hear these messages. It’s way more than alcohol I am working with here. It’s smoking flowers but cigarettes too, overeating, shopping when I shouldn’t be, now I can add in scrolling and picking at my face/body and I think I can even over organize. These are the things I have witnessed I overuse/abuse when I am not dealing with a nervous situation or feeling.

Cookies, I heart you, and can’t keep anything processed food sweet in the house.

Shopping, my god I miss you. The rock has limited options and my earnings are not allowing it for now. I am buying a car tomorrow, hells yeah.

Scrolling has been the latest bad habit to deepen my depression. I was able to stop the phone when I quit my corporate job, I worked for a cell phone company and always on my phone before it was cool. Since my work is now on social media that habit is all over me like syrup on a shag carpet. Wake up at 1 am, scroll, scroll. scroll till I never sleep again.

Organizing in someone else’s home is not the same, I pet/house sit in exchange for housing.

Smoking flower is something I am looking to let go and please no more cigarettes. Those little live suckers make me so hungover and I feel so naughty. Stupidity at its finest.

Then my sweet sassy Karen, she is always there. Funny is when I start with her all these other hurtful habits start to spike up, interfere. I forget to breathe, to meditate, I am too tired and worn out from going down the drain to walk in nature or yoga. One little step on top of the other builds that foundation or takes away.

These habits may have served me at one point and time, however not any longer. I have a lost blog when this all came to a tizzy to my pause. This took over a course of a few days, then a pause, recollect, talk with my inner circle and boss babe. First off, I’m gonna cry about it and then handle it like a boss.

Will I Ever Be Ready To?

I have been up since 3 am overwhelmed with emotions about what to do and it is causing a shadow over every part of my life. I’m so unsure of everything and after yesterday’s cumulative shit storm has my nervous system all wrecked today.  I watched Netflixs, which I rarely do, to distract and numb out. It felt good for an hour or so, yet here I am at 7 am deciding if I am going to drink today. I even thought about canceling my class and just to hang with Karen instead. Makes zero sense, as I always feel better after teaching. 

Now is that the alcohol talking or me escaping all these feelings?  Keep drinking or do I power through and get sober now, will I ever get sober? I’m crying as I type, feeling like a failure just for thinking this way. I believe I literally picked the hardest time, to let Karen go, I need better-coping methods.  COVID has really been one of the toughest moments and I want to enjoy how lucky I am to be here. I’m tired of feeling alone and Karen is always around, always.  Even my therapist said her drinking has picked up and they are starting to taper back.  

Last nights advice totally sucked but I have heard this before here.  Mr. OCD has told me many times to be friends with everyone but be friends with no one.  Always sounded like terrible advice to me and he is a very lonely man. In the States, I only worked with people I didn’t care for, rarely socialized.  I get playing nice as in it’s a smaller community however I don’t want to hang out with people for the sake of not being alone. There is a lot of high functioning alcoholics here within the ex-pat community and we are all on island time.  Since we can’t be out after 5 pm they day drink a lot and I don’t want to hang out with that.  

I feel it in my soul that I don’t want to adopt fake friends just for the sake of hanging out. There are house parties a lot right now and I never get invited. It’s upsetting but I wouldn’t go anyways because it’s not my people. A few are but then I would need to tolerate a lot and I would rather not. It is more of a reminder how I miss seeing people I care about, not the coconut tree gossip line in the Bay. Since I have come on this rock 6 years ago I have been searching for my inner circle and still struggling to find it. I have made a few good girlfriends however most of them have left for a reason or another. Then typically I meet a fella, we buddy up and that’s the end of my loneliness.  It’s not an option at the moment and it was is the only reason I have been calling my ex. I miss having a friend, not him honestly however he’s not interested without sex and I have zero interest. I tried that love the one you are with and back to the drawing board.  He is still blocked and no calling any other ex’s. 

I’m trying to think if I had a car would it be different? This morning I was also thinking who would I drive to hang out with?  I do have a handful of friends and once I have the freedom of a car I will meet new people right?  Maybe I’m not finding my community because of the lack of wheels or because I am not being the kind of person I want to be friends with.  I love blaming myself so I can fix it. It’s my fault that I have these feelings right? No one can make you feel anything I am choosing this and it sucks. 

My other tizzy is my dad is on the fence about coming to the rock and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or not. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it here without him here. Well, that is not entirely true. I can make it anywhere but it feels that way.  If my dad was here it would be so refreshing to have his love and company. We won’t pal around all the time, we both love our space, just knowing he is here and has my back would be a huge relief.  It’s more emotional support than anything else.  My dad is an out of sight, out of mind person.  We rarely talk now but it is always a good conversation.  

Getting on with the day now.  I love my new morning routine and will get pumped for class. I really love teaching and wish it paid more. Now after class I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I have a meeting with Mr. Hotel hopefully and that will gain a little clarity.  I have a going-away party at 4 that should be a great time but it’s loaded with triggers so I may stay home with Karen. Shaking my head just thinking about it. I need to let her go, will I ever be ready to? 

Feeling Good

AF Day 2 – End of Day

What a difference a few days can make. It’s the end of the day AF 2, I’m tired but overall I feel amazing. Confirmed my dad is moving here, the airport is opening soon which means work, buying a car and the number system for circulation will end. Now all this will take time to happen but what amazing things to look forward to.

I didn’t want to drink today surprisingly. I woke up with guilt about how I was all Dry July and couldn’t make it. In July I did drink way less, about 60% less of what my recent late nights with Karen have been during this pandemic. This is a huge plus but not a win and I was treating it like a fail. Is this a perfectionist trait, because this has been my recent pattern. I give in to a drink, then the next morning well it’s only day 1, I already messed it up and have to start again so why not tomorrow can be day 1. Then I would kick it with Karen for 2 to 5 days in a row. Letting a day turn into several days of drinking shadow 10/14 days of sobriety. I was feeling embarrassed, sad, and a little worried I may need more help than I think right now.

Then a new social media friend posted how she went 73 days and drank on the 74. Woke up feeling like crap and back on the wagon immediately. She learned her lesson and or got what she needed out of the experience. It was with Karen by the way, a delicious red. It resonated with me deeply and will take that with me.

I have been sober curious since April, well saying no more Karen but hanging out anyways. I need to remember when I lean into things I may not be perfect but try every day and soon it becomes a way of life. I hope with all my heart it’s the isolation and COVID creating this extra layer of a struggle for me. There will be trials and tribulations throughout my adventures and I’m ready for a new pattern that is healthy and helpful.

Now my dad coming to the rock will be amazing, I need to give him a week in case he changes his mind though. He is notorious for changing his mind with little explanation and quick execution. This is a habit I picked up in life and love it most of the time, live passionately or not at all. This will be good for my sobriety, I hope! HAHA, I kid with him around there will be any pluses. Knowing someone who loves you is so close will be so comforting especially after being far for years. Then this will inspire my sisters to visit as well.

Another big help today was my morning routine. I have been lazy creating my morning routine and I enjoy having one. Today I found my jam and that set the tone for the day. I did make my coffee so strong I couldn’t finish a cup and could smell colors. That will be my last cup in this house for some time, I miss you already bean water friend. My morning consist of not getting on my phone for the first 30 mins or so if possible. Brush my teeth, lemon water with meditation and movement, write in my bullet journal, confirmed my day, create any classes, shower, and then time to make the doughnuts. It was a good day.

It’s unusually hot here today, no wind, and the sea was glass. Not a bad view for a yoga class on a Tuesday?

Let’s Dive In

Af Day 2

Waking up today feeling fresh and clean. Yesterday was a hard day to manage through so drained from Karen conversations through the weekend. I slept terrible the night before and had a private first thing. I can fake it till I make it poolside but in their personal space, mostly since it was sweating out wine from the night before typically till recently. Ugh I hated the way my breath was heavy and I felt my sweat was off, being alcohol free solves all that. I had a moment Sunday and finally had an anxiety attack. It feels so good for the release, I can feel these toxic things build up and I have anxiety about my anxiety till I can’t take it anymore and break apart. I’m leaning on changing break apart to letting go.

So I need to change my patterns and have faith that things always work out for me. Typically always better than I expected, especially after I am able to slow down and be in the moment. Once I’m able to settle into situations that created these fear I’m able to become more curious in finding the beauty and fun. In my new homework I ask myself ” I feel (fill in the blank) because (fill in the blank). Why does that make me feel (fill in the blank)? Same question over and over till you find the root cause or something I can change to help with my fears. I have practiced this with my coach and we did a few negative things and that was a little hard at first and silly actually. Then later on my own I did a few positives and that really helped solidify why I love living here.

One of the reasons I live here on this rock is the diving. Look how gorgeous the water is? This picture was taken a few days ago. MS is a funny guy and it’s his birthday today, Happy Birthday friend! The clarity of the ocean is amazing and even more sense there is no tourist or cruise ships creating pollution. I really hope people hold value on how clean everything is and try to preserve it. The water, the island over all is so very clean and way less polluted. I feel amazingly lucky to be here and will be diving again on Wednesday and then once a week! I’m going to recruit other woman in the area to join me so to help spread my circle in the community, thinking every Monday afternoon. Some version of this picture will be my 1:30 Monday afternoon meeting. My life is a dream come true and why I will figure this out.

I’ve come to a realization that this is such an amazing time to be on this island and I need to find a way to make this work while enjoying my quality of life. I always, always, always find a way to make it work and have a good time doing it. Taking the money out of my savings for a car is what put me over the edge about anxiety, and I have come to terms with it. I want to have a better quality of life or I need to find another rock to thrive on. I have been surviving for over a year creating a wellness business at the resort and I am so close!! I almost had 300 yogis in August, if not this year the next and surprise we all get to stay home, thanks COVID. In the last year there were months I may have made $500 and it’s not the quality of life I want to have. I want to have a car or access to one at all times especially since there is not public transportation consistently available anywhere. I did promise myself no more reaching into my savings after the car and talking to a financial advisor on Thursday. I haven’t dip in it in a long time and that creates the confidence I need to let go of that anxiety with losing all my money.

With this new understanding I have come to appreciate my anxiety. Yes I should be uncomfortable with using money from my savings, otherwise I would have wasted it years ago with nothing to show for it. Now with a better quality of life, the ability to make more money and an extra layer of security this is exactly what my savings is for. Plus I’m only taking only 5%, debt free and finally doing something with my savings so it can continue to grow or work for me in some way. The car is looking like a smoking good deal too! It’s not my style, however the positives and its was very well taken care of with an amazing clean interior. The biggest fear was the hill I live on and the car zipped right up my crazy steep hill, took it like a champ no problems with the aircon on. Super good people too, friends of the Mr & Mrs B and that is a added layer of confidence. Ran the CarFax two accidents with no towing needed, this is typical for Honduras. Computer checked with only one thing popped up, typically a car of this price the dashboard is lit up like christmas since there really isn’t any laws about the vehicle condition and the mechanic will be checking it later this week. Pics once adopted. Fingers crossed this or better.

Today is good day, I was to have a photoshoot but it was canceled since the rock is on a circulation number system. You can only drive if your id ends in a certain number on a certain day with zero driving on weekends. Monday through Friday is 1 through 5 and the next week 6 through 0. Luckily everyone is doing home delivery and it is affordable otherwise I would be in trouble. It has been this way for over a month. I can drive with in my community and the End so it’s not as bad as other areas, again another reason I am so grateful to be here in this moment now.

Off to enjoy another sober adventure in paradise.

Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful.