Feeling Good

AF Day 2 – End of Day


What a difference a few days can make. It’s the end of the day AF 2, I’m tired but overall I feel amazing. Confirmed my dad is moving here, the airport is opening soon which means work, buying a car and the number system for circulation will end. Now all this will take time to happen but what amazing things to look forward to.


I didn’t want to drink today surprisingly. I woke up with guilt about how I was all Dry July and couldn’t make it. In July I did drink way less, about 60% less of what my recent late nights with Karen have been during this pandemic. This is a huge plus but not a win and I was treating it like a fail. Is this a perfectionist trait, because this has been my recent pattern. I give in to a drink, then the next morning well it’s only day 1, I already messed it up and have to start again so why not tomorrow can be day 1. Then I would kick it with Karen for 2 to 5 days in a row. Letting a day turn into several days of drinking shadow 10/14 days of sobriety. I was feeling embarrassed, sad, and a little worried I may need more help than I think right now.


Then a new social media friend posted how she went 73 days and drank on the 74. Woke up feeling like crap and back on the wagon immediately. She learned her lesson and or got what she needed out of the experience. It was with Karen by the way, a delicious red. It resonated with me deeply and will take that with me.


I have been sober curious since April, well saying no more Karen but hanging out anyways. I need to remember when I lean into things I may not be perfect but try every day and soon it becomes a way of life. I hope with all my heart it’s the isolation and COVID creating this extra layer of a struggle for me. There will be trials and tribulations throughout my adventures and I’m ready for a new pattern that is healthy and helpful.


Now my dad coming to the rock will be amazing, I need to give him a week in case he changes his mind though. He is notorious for changing his mind with little explanation and quick execution. This is a habit I picked up in life and love it most of the time, live passionately or not at all. This will be good for my sobriety, I hope! HAHA, I kid with him around there will be any pluses. Knowing someone who loves you is so close will be so comforting especially after being far for years. Then this will inspire my sisters to visit as well.


Another big help today was my morning routine. I have been lazy creating my morning routine and I enjoy having one. Today I found my jam and that set the tone for the day. I did make my coffee so strong I couldn’t finish a cup and could smell colors. That will be my last cup in this house for some time, I miss you already bean water friend. My morning consist of not getting on my phone for the first 30 mins or so if possible. Brush my teeth, lemon water with meditation and movement, write in my bullet journal, confirmed my day, create any classes, shower, and then time to make the doughnuts. It was a good day.

It’s unusually hot here today, no wind, and the sea was glass. Not a bad view for a yoga class on a Tuesday?

Let’s Dive In

Af Day 2

Waking up today feeling fresh and clean. Yesterday was a hard day to manage through so drained from Karen conversations through the weekend. I slept terrible the night before and had a private first thing. I can fake it till I make it poolside but in their personal space, mostly since it was sweating out wine from the night before typically till recently. Ugh I hated the way my breath was heavy and I felt my sweat was off, being alcohol free solves all that. I had a moment Sunday and finally had an anxiety attack. It feels so good for the release, I can feel these toxic things build up and I have anxiety about my anxiety till I can’t take it anymore and break apart. I’m leaning on changing break apart to letting go.

So I need to change my patterns and have faith that things always work out for me. Typically always better than I expected, especially after I am able to slow down and be in the moment. Once I’m able to settle into situations that created these fear I’m able to become more curious in finding the beauty and fun. In my new homework I ask myself ” I feel (fill in the blank) because (fill in the blank). Why does that make me feel (fill in the blank)? Same question over and over till you find the root cause or something I can change to help with my fears. I have practiced this with my coach and we did a few negative things and that was a little hard at first and silly actually. Then later on my own I did a few positives and that really helped solidify why I love living here.

One of the reasons I live here on this rock is the diving. Look how gorgeous the water is? This picture was taken a few days ago. MS is a funny guy and it’s his birthday today, Happy Birthday friend! The clarity of the ocean is amazing and even more sense there is no tourist or cruise ships creating pollution. I really hope people hold value on how clean everything is and try to preserve it. The water, the island over all is so very clean and way less polluted. I feel amazingly lucky to be here and will be diving again on Wednesday and then once a week! I’m going to recruit other woman in the area to join me so to help spread my circle in the community, thinking every Monday afternoon. Some version of this picture will be my 1:30 Monday afternoon meeting. My life is a dream come true and why I will figure this out.

I’ve come to a realization that this is such an amazing time to be on this island and I need to find a way to make this work while enjoying my quality of life. I always, always, always find a way to make it work and have a good time doing it. Taking the money out of my savings for a car is what put me over the edge about anxiety, and I have come to terms with it. I want to have a better quality of life or I need to find another rock to thrive on. I have been surviving for over a year creating a wellness business at the resort and I am so close!! I almost had 300 yogis in August, if not this year the next and surprise we all get to stay home, thanks COVID. In the last year there were months I may have made $500 and it’s not the quality of life I want to have. I want to have a car or access to one at all times especially since there is not public transportation consistently available anywhere. I did promise myself no more reaching into my savings after the car and talking to a financial advisor on Thursday. I haven’t dip in it in a long time and that creates the confidence I need to let go of that anxiety with losing all my money.

With this new understanding I have come to appreciate my anxiety. Yes I should be uncomfortable with using money from my savings, otherwise I would have wasted it years ago with nothing to show for it. Now with a better quality of life, the ability to make more money and an extra layer of security this is exactly what my savings is for. Plus I’m only taking only 5%, debt free and finally doing something with my savings so it can continue to grow or work for me in some way. The car is looking like a smoking good deal too! It’s not my style, however the positives and its was very well taken care of with an amazing clean interior. The biggest fear was the hill I live on and the car zipped right up my crazy steep hill, took it like a champ no problems with the aircon on. Super good people too, friends of the Mr & Mrs B and that is a added layer of confidence. Ran the CarFax two accidents with no towing needed, this is typical for Honduras. Computer checked with only one thing popped up, typically a car of this price the dashboard is lit up like christmas since there really isn’t any laws about the vehicle condition and the mechanic will be checking it later this week. Pics once adopted. Fingers crossed this or better.

Today is good day, I was to have a photoshoot but it was canceled since the rock is on a circulation number system. You can only drive if your id ends in a certain number on a certain day with zero driving on weekends. Monday through Friday is 1 through 5 and the next week 6 through 0. Luckily everyone is doing home delivery and it is affordable otherwise I would be in trouble. It has been this way for over a month. I can drive with in my community and the End so it’s not as bad as other areas, again another reason I am so grateful to be here in this moment now.

Off to enjoy another sober adventure in paradise.

Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful. 

I will never, ever.

AF Day 3

Have you ever said “I will never, ever” and somehow, someway, here you are? You’re standing in that place you said never, ever, ever you would be. Stomp your foot, sure in your bones never ever. That was my day. It started off a hazy morning practice indoors. Living on the Iron Shore I get to enjoy ocean spray, smoke, salt, etc creeps in often as you can see. I love the feel of the fresh air and enjoy every deep breath a little more knowing how fresh it is here compared to my city life.

Where did I never, ever, ever think I would be. Teaching water aerobics on the side of the pool in yoga pants on in a bikini in the water. Never ever till today at 10 am. These clients are great people, easy to get along with, and asked a few times so I said let’s do this. A new adventure that I swore never, ever, and there were doubts. I don’t enjoy quick movements outside of power yoga rarely. I loved a friend so much I tried Jazzercise for 2 months, I’m the worst. If this movement is new to, Jazzercise, think of jazzed up exercise in tempo. Full body, intense and dramatic. I danced in gay bars occasionally and was ready to bring it. I was wrong, no clue what I was walking into. This is straight-up exercise choreography and I’m no Jlo. (I wanted to be a fly girl so bad) The song and movements are always the same and everyone but my friend and I knew the moves. All of them. My friend loved it and I was about to go into an anxiety attack. LOL, I tried it 3 times a week for 2 months. Nope, I went a totally different route and never went back or even tried.

Now here I am, shaking it like Shakira and having a great time. I knew a week ago I was doing this class but I wasn’t feeling it. I teach yoga not aerobics, I have said this many times before with a sassy turned up nose. I have been pushing away a lot of work and simply need to figure out. Making it through this COVID economy on the rock or move back to the states and slang real estate. This morning a memory came up on my social and it was a picture of Richard Simmons doing a glitter squat. It’s ridiculous, lovely and I’m feeling it. The way he moves to be happy and encourages others, I love it. I watched a few videos, wrote a few sequences down, and finally felt inspired. The class went well and rebooked twice a week

The rest of the day was busy work online, I feel overall ok. I’m still overeating like crazy, at least the binging is on healthy foods and at home. Just no smoking to curb the eating and once this coffee runs out I’m calling it a treat again too. I’m tracking all these changes and super stoked for sleep. Tomorrow another fun alcohol-free day. I keep getting invited to parties and end up not going. By the looks of things on stories, it’s always a good idea. Home alone almost every night is getting old but way better than alone with Karen.

Work is feeling good but future the is bleak. The airlines are cutting more people and the hotel is laying off more for 90 days allowed by the government as of recent. Please let this be the bottom. Crime is high and violent but without tourism I’m not sure how many will survive.

Karen was around today actually and I thought about her strongly twice. I don’t want to do it in public because I told people I quit for July. I admit I slipped up but not that I want to keep at it. Home safe so not today Satan!  

Let’s Do It

AF Day 1

Not hungover like I thought I would be for my Day 1. I have been actively trying to quit drinking since my breakdown in early April this year, I want to call that this bottom. I’ve had worse bottoms and sober periods scattered along the decades. What I know is the bottom is where ever you quit digging and today I’m done.

My plan is writing this journal to help me understand a new found whirlwind of emotions, find support in a like minded community and to connect with people to encourage them to be sober curious too. AF (alcohol free) living has always had my interest and when I’m living my best life alcohol is rarely there. This bottom is because I want more out of life and I feel alcohol is getting in the way. I can have good times with alcohol still however the emotional hurtful times is more than I am comfortable with. I’m done digging and ready for living.

Today I want a rolling 365 days of alcohol free, maybe longer. Sober curios for sure and excited to see how I will rise and fall. Alcohol has become a band-aid for me and began using it to numb out, repeatedly. Yes we are in a pandemic and probably an intense time to quit, it’s no secret I love sitting front row in this roller coaster called life.

Along with writing this blog, I have enlisted a small circle of friends that will be amazing mentors and a knowing that sobriety will be game changing. Join me and let’s support each other finding our way to sober living.