Well That’s Not Working

I need to journal, I want to journal every day to get to fulfill my sober curious desires. Instead, I am hiding in perfection. That is not what this is, will, or can be about. This blog is about showing up and being honest with myself with you and anyone that needs to hear these messages. It’s way more than alcohol I am working with here. It’s smoking flowers but cigarettes too, overeating, shopping when I shouldn’t be, now I can add in scrolling and picking at my face/body and I think I can even over organize. These are the things I have witnessed I overuse/abuse when I am not dealing with a nervous situation or feeling.

Cookies, I heart you, and can’t keep anything processed food sweet in the house.

Shopping, my god I miss you. The rock has limited options and my earnings are not allowing it for now. I am buying a car tomorrow, hells yeah.

Scrolling has been the latest bad habit to deepen my depression. I was able to stop the phone when I quit my corporate job, I worked for a cell phone company and always on my phone before it was cool. Since my work is now on social media that habit is all over me like syrup on a shag carpet. Wake up at 1 am, scroll, scroll. scroll till I never sleep again.

Organizing in someone else’s home is not the same, I pet/house sit in exchange for housing.

Smoking flower is something I am looking to let go and please no more cigarettes. Those little live suckers make me so hungover and I feel so naughty. Stupidity at its finest.

Then my sweet sassy Karen, she is always there. Funny is when I start with her all these other hurtful habits start to spike up, interfere. I forget to breathe, to meditate, I am too tired and worn out from going down the drain to walk in nature or yoga. One little step on top of the other builds that foundation or takes away.

These habits may have served me at one point and time, however not any longer. I have a lost blog when this all came to a tizzy to my pause. This took over a course of a few days, then a pause, recollect, talk with my inner circle and boss babe. First off, I’m gonna cry about it and then handle it like a boss.

Feeling Good

AF Day 2 – End of Day

What a difference a few days can make. It’s the end of the day AF 2, I’m tired but overall I feel amazing. Confirmed my dad is moving here, the airport is opening soon which means work, buying a car and the number system for circulation will end. Now all this will take time to happen but what amazing things to look forward to.

I didn’t want to drink today surprisingly. I woke up with guilt about how I was all Dry July and couldn’t make it. In July I did drink way less, about 60% less of what my recent late nights with Karen have been during this pandemic. This is a huge plus but not a win and I was treating it like a fail. Is this a perfectionist trait, because this has been my recent pattern. I give in to a drink, then the next morning well it’s only day 1, I already messed it up and have to start again so why not tomorrow can be day 1. Then I would kick it with Karen for 2 to 5 days in a row. Letting a day turn into several days of drinking shadow 10/14 days of sobriety. I was feeling embarrassed, sad, and a little worried I may need more help than I think right now.

Then a new social media friend posted how she went 73 days and drank on the 74. Woke up feeling like crap and back on the wagon immediately. She learned her lesson and or got what she needed out of the experience. It was with Karen by the way, a delicious red. It resonated with me deeply and will take that with me.

I have been sober curious since April, well saying no more Karen but hanging out anyways. I need to remember when I lean into things I may not be perfect but try every day and soon it becomes a way of life. I hope with all my heart it’s the isolation and COVID creating this extra layer of a struggle for me. There will be trials and tribulations throughout my adventures and I’m ready for a new pattern that is healthy and helpful.

Now my dad coming to the rock will be amazing, I need to give him a week in case he changes his mind though. He is notorious for changing his mind with little explanation and quick execution. This is a habit I picked up in life and love it most of the time, live passionately or not at all. This will be good for my sobriety, I hope! HAHA, I kid with him around there will be any pluses. Knowing someone who loves you is so close will be so comforting especially after being far for years. Then this will inspire my sisters to visit as well.

Another big help today was my morning routine. I have been lazy creating my morning routine and I enjoy having one. Today I found my jam and that set the tone for the day. I did make my coffee so strong I couldn’t finish a cup and could smell colors. That will be my last cup in this house for some time, I miss you already bean water friend. My morning consist of not getting on my phone for the first 30 mins or so if possible. Brush my teeth, lemon water with meditation and movement, write in my bullet journal, confirmed my day, create any classes, shower, and then time to make the doughnuts. It was a good day.

It’s unusually hot here today, no wind, and the sea was glass. Not a bad view for a yoga class on a Tuesday?