Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful. 

I will never, ever.

AF Day 3

Have you ever said “I will never, ever” and somehow, someway, here you are? You’re standing in that place you said never, ever, ever you would be. Stomp your foot, sure in your bones never ever. That was my day. It started off a hazy morning practice indoors. Living on the Iron Shore I get to enjoy ocean spray, smoke, salt, etc creeps in often as you can see. I love the feel of the fresh air and enjoy every deep breath a little more knowing how fresh it is here compared to my city life.

Where did I never, ever, ever think I would be. Teaching water aerobics on the side of the pool in yoga pants on in a bikini in the water. Never ever till today at 10 am. These clients are great people, easy to get along with, and asked a few times so I said let’s do this. A new adventure that I swore never, ever, and there were doubts. I don’t enjoy quick movements outside of power yoga rarely. I loved a friend so much I tried Jazzercise for 2 months, I’m the worst. If this movement is new to, Jazzercise, think of jazzed up exercise in tempo. Full body, intense and dramatic. I danced in gay bars occasionally and was ready to bring it. I was wrong, no clue what I was walking into. This is straight-up exercise choreography and I’m no Jlo. (I wanted to be a fly girl so bad) The song and movements are always the same and everyone but my friend and I knew the moves. All of them. My friend loved it and I was about to go into an anxiety attack. LOL, I tried it 3 times a week for 2 months. Nope, I went a totally different route and never went back or even tried.

Now here I am, shaking it like Shakira and having a great time. I knew a week ago I was doing this class but I wasn’t feeling it. I teach yoga not aerobics, I have said this many times before with a sassy turned up nose. I have been pushing away a lot of work and simply need to figure out. Making it through this COVID economy on the rock or move back to the states and slang real estate. This morning a memory came up on my social and it was a picture of Richard Simmons doing a glitter squat. It’s ridiculous, lovely and I’m feeling it. The way he moves to be happy and encourages others, I love it. I watched a few videos, wrote a few sequences down, and finally felt inspired. The class went well and rebooked twice a week

The rest of the day was busy work online, I feel overall ok. I’m still overeating like crazy, at least the binging is on healthy foods and at home. Just no smoking to curb the eating and once this coffee runs out I’m calling it a treat again too. I’m tracking all these changes and super stoked for sleep. Tomorrow another fun alcohol-free day. I keep getting invited to parties and end up not going. By the looks of things on stories, it’s always a good idea. Home alone almost every night is getting old but way better than alone with Karen.

Work is feeling good but future the is bleak. The airlines are cutting more people and the hotel is laying off more for 90 days allowed by the government as of recent. Please let this be the bottom. Crime is high and violent but without tourism I’m not sure how many will survive.

Karen was around today actually and I thought about her strongly twice. I don’t want to do it in public because I told people I quit for July. I admit I slipped up but not that I want to keep at it. Home safe so not today Satan!  

Dry July

AF Day 1

Good morning friends, today is the day. HAHAHA I know, I know… I keep trying but stick out with me a little longer, I got this. I have so much going on and my to do list is getting longer and longer. Drinking had me spinning my wheels and feelings are everywhere. Dry July is on like donkey kong and this to do list is going to get worked. I have gathered key people who are supporting my journey and I’m not ashamed anymore. It sucks that I can’t drink alcohol but I want so much more. I know I could keep drinking and live a decent life but it’s not fulfilling. I have been settling left and right, gross.

My eyes are tearing up, why is this so emotional? I feel like I failed as a person and not living my values. This is so simple, don’t drink alcohol. I have had sober months, even a year in my 20’s, I quit using drugs and so many other bad behaviors. Karen has her claws in me for long enough and we are breaking up today.

Speaking with Mr B the other day the knowing came up. I use to know I was a force to be reckoned with and there was nothing that I couldn’t do. The past year I have been floating along and letting life happen to me. I would gain momentum, have a strong moment and then some thing would take the wind out of my sails. Now with COVID I really need to get to action, think differently and make changes. The wild thing is my goals are still the same work from anywhere, quality time with people I care about and a healthy lifestyle. Simple right? I love it and super excited.

I know I can be AF and thank you for believing in me. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve had in a long time, thank you. Cheers my friends and join me for Dry July!