Ever heard of MSU’ing?  Making Shit Up is a real problem for me when I’m low and I haven’t thought about this in some time.  This concept was brought to me by a therapist ages ago and so relevant right now. My MSU’ing is so fierce and damaging, I would never allow a friend to talk to themselves this way, never. Now I am staying curious about what this behavior is.  Is it a trigger, response, coping method, a habit, or the effects chemically from alcohol, all I know it’s nasty and I need to stay aware.  When going down the alcohol drain my mind focuses on the negatives and the self chatter is horrendous, my eyes are weeping from the memories of the lies I try to tell myself. Most of these people who I think are abandoning me are dealing with their own struggles and trying the best they can.  I need to remember this, be gentle, and know their behavior is not about me.  

Taking everything so personally is something I am trying to grow with. Since making this sober shift slowly ( forward is forward) I will lose friends and change boundaries in relationships, this isn’t a bad thing but painful. I have a hard time letting people go since I don’t want people to give up on me like my mom. Over the course of 3 months, I have changed my relationship with a few people and hung on a few a little too long. I keep hearing you show people how to treat you and of course, I don’t want to believe that however, it is blatantly true.  My ex knows I will call him when I’m struggling and that is why I get the same results again and again. He is pleasantly blocked now and I have been able to pass him on the beach briefly with a smile and pleasantries . Talk about some growth on my end, in my past, I would avoid and be annoyed.  This rock is too small and not enough people here to be petty.  

The past 36 hours have been great surprisingly.  After puking up whatever was left I was never able to return to sleep.  I had to shower off the puke sweats a few times and finally, it was 6 am and the sun was rising and it all passed.  Tropical Storm Nana hit the day before and was to stay around a few days with showers however it ended up being a beautiful day.  After a great morning meditation, I started to reflect on what I do know.  I love the feeling of knowing compared to MSU’ing.  Did I know my friends/family were not including me on purpose? No, I have no idea. If these people are my friends why not ask them directly? This terrible habit of sitting at home with Karen wallowing in self-doubt and so many other nasty thoughts that are simply not true needs to end.  If these thoughts are wildly true then these people are not my friends and I don’t need to go there. I know sometimes I am not invited since I’ve been public about my alcohol worries and that is ok.  I can’t play with everyone all the time. 

Yesterday ended up being super productive. I cleaned the house and washed the sheets, this is something I crave.  Having a clean organized house brings me so much peace, plus fresh bed sheets are amazing!  I focused on my self-care starting with flossing of course. It blows my mind how this little habit is such a catalyst for the rest of my day.  It definitely showed me how important a morning routine for me is and to keep at it even when I don’t want to. Then I boogied off to the supermarket in my new car and what a boost this was, freedom!! My inner fat kid was screaming on the inside and I overdid it on the groceries, way too excited about shopping alone at my own time and pace. Later completed a bunch of little tasks that are building my new path including something so exciting. I have found my path on how to grow my skill sets and narrowed it down to 2 schools, you guys are gonna love this and more info once the details solidify. 

Feeling pumped I reached out to a few friends who I thought were jerks and no surprise they were just wrapped up in their own details. Sometimes I think people should know I am hurting but unless I tell them they would never know.  I’m typically upbeat, bubbly, and super confident so when I need help I have to ask and be honest.  That my friends is hard at the moment but I am sure I will get there soon.  Once I settle into my new space with alcohol I feel I will attract my tribe with my good vibes.  My passion has always beamed from me and easily effects others effortlessly.  A seed needs to crack in order to grow and that is all the feels at this moment. 

After chatting with my hair Guru she wanted to come over and chat about her latest adventure, you know whatever I thought she was avoiding me with. SMH, she was hustling for her passion and so happy to share that with her.  We chatted, pulled some cards, talked about the past two weeks and the up and coming.  It was a huge relief to have her here and knowing I was totally MSU’ing. At night that is when the loneliness sets in and been filling it with Karen and food, none of that tonight. Right now I am replacing food with wine for the moment but it’s starting to make a difference in my weight and not just in my boobs. Still sexy no matter how much my jiggle is in my wiggle.

Today seems like a great day ahead as well.  My morning routine is complete and class at the hotel in a bit. I can not express how much teaching and helping others is such a lift for me and I will always be grateful this is a part of my life.  This afternoon is a little tricky. I’m suppose to go to the brewery with friends and my body feels nervous about it. I want to go and socialize, I miss people so damn much but I will be without my car and my friends will be drinking.  I use to be able to go into a bar and not drink all the time, maybe not today. Right now typing this my physical body reacts and my mind is trying to justify just one is ok.  I can not tell you when I only had one by my own choice, ever. 

The goal for the next few weeks is to witness when I’m MSU’ing and staying honest with myself and people I want to call friends.  Not sure what MSU’ing is but it has a stronghold on me and I’m ready to let it go. 

Will I Ever Be Ready To?

I have been up since 3 am overwhelmed with emotions about what to do and it is causing a shadow over every part of my life. I’m so unsure of everything and after yesterday’s cumulative shit storm has my nervous system all wrecked today.  I watched Netflixs, which I rarely do, to distract and numb out. It felt good for an hour or so, yet here I am at 7 am deciding if I am going to drink today. I even thought about canceling my class and just to hang with Karen instead. Makes zero sense, as I always feel better after teaching. 

Now is that the alcohol talking or me escaping all these feelings?  Keep drinking or do I power through and get sober now, will I ever get sober? I’m crying as I type, feeling like a failure just for thinking this way. I believe I literally picked the hardest time, to let Karen go, I need better-coping methods.  COVID has really been one of the toughest moments and I want to enjoy how lucky I am to be here. I’m tired of feeling alone and Karen is always around, always.  Even my therapist said her drinking has picked up and they are starting to taper back.  

Last nights advice totally sucked but I have heard this before here.  Mr. OCD has told me many times to be friends with everyone but be friends with no one.  Always sounded like terrible advice to me and he is a very lonely man. In the States, I only worked with people I didn’t care for, rarely socialized.  I get playing nice as in it’s a smaller community however I don’t want to hang out with people for the sake of not being alone. There is a lot of high functioning alcoholics here within the ex-pat community and we are all on island time.  Since we can’t be out after 5 pm they day drink a lot and I don’t want to hang out with that.  

I feel it in my soul that I don’t want to adopt fake friends just for the sake of hanging out. There are house parties a lot right now and I never get invited. It’s upsetting but I wouldn’t go anyways because it’s not my people. A few are but then I would need to tolerate a lot and I would rather not. It is more of a reminder how I miss seeing people I care about, not the coconut tree gossip line in the Bay. Since I have come on this rock 6 years ago I have been searching for my inner circle and still struggling to find it. I have made a few good girlfriends however most of them have left for a reason or another. Then typically I meet a fella, we buddy up and that’s the end of my loneliness.  It’s not an option at the moment and it was is the only reason I have been calling my ex. I miss having a friend, not him honestly however he’s not interested without sex and I have zero interest. I tried that love the one you are with and back to the drawing board.  He is still blocked and no calling any other ex’s. 

I’m trying to think if I had a car would it be different? This morning I was also thinking who would I drive to hang out with?  I do have a handful of friends and once I have the freedom of a car I will meet new people right?  Maybe I’m not finding my community because of the lack of wheels or because I am not being the kind of person I want to be friends with.  I love blaming myself so I can fix it. It’s my fault that I have these feelings right? No one can make you feel anything I am choosing this and it sucks. 

My other tizzy is my dad is on the fence about coming to the rock and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or not. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it here without him here. Well, that is not entirely true. I can make it anywhere but it feels that way.  If my dad was here it would be so refreshing to have his love and company. We won’t pal around all the time, we both love our space, just knowing he is here and has my back would be a huge relief.  It’s more emotional support than anything else.  My dad is an out of sight, out of mind person.  We rarely talk now but it is always a good conversation.  

Getting on with the day now.  I love my new morning routine and will get pumped for class. I really love teaching and wish it paid more. Now after class I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I have a meeting with Mr. Hotel hopefully and that will gain a little clarity.  I have a going-away party at 4 that should be a great time but it’s loaded with triggers so I may stay home with Karen. Shaking my head just thinking about it. I need to let her go, will I ever be ready to? 

Feeling Good

AF Day 2 – End of Day

What a difference a few days can make. It’s the end of the day AF 2, I’m tired but overall I feel amazing. Confirmed my dad is moving here, the airport is opening soon which means work, buying a car and the number system for circulation will end. Now all this will take time to happen but what amazing things to look forward to.

I didn’t want to drink today surprisingly. I woke up with guilt about how I was all Dry July and couldn’t make it. In July I did drink way less, about 60% less of what my recent late nights with Karen have been during this pandemic. This is a huge plus but not a win and I was treating it like a fail. Is this a perfectionist trait, because this has been my recent pattern. I give in to a drink, then the next morning well it’s only day 1, I already messed it up and have to start again so why not tomorrow can be day 1. Then I would kick it with Karen for 2 to 5 days in a row. Letting a day turn into several days of drinking shadow 10/14 days of sobriety. I was feeling embarrassed, sad, and a little worried I may need more help than I think right now.

Then a new social media friend posted how she went 73 days and drank on the 74. Woke up feeling like crap and back on the wagon immediately. She learned her lesson and or got what she needed out of the experience. It was with Karen by the way, a delicious red. It resonated with me deeply and will take that with me.

I have been sober curious since April, well saying no more Karen but hanging out anyways. I need to remember when I lean into things I may not be perfect but try every day and soon it becomes a way of life. I hope with all my heart it’s the isolation and COVID creating this extra layer of a struggle for me. There will be trials and tribulations throughout my adventures and I’m ready for a new pattern that is healthy and helpful.

Now my dad coming to the rock will be amazing, I need to give him a week in case he changes his mind though. He is notorious for changing his mind with little explanation and quick execution. This is a habit I picked up in life and love it most of the time, live passionately or not at all. This will be good for my sobriety, I hope! HAHA, I kid with him around there will be any pluses. Knowing someone who loves you is so close will be so comforting especially after being far for years. Then this will inspire my sisters to visit as well.

Another big help today was my morning routine. I have been lazy creating my morning routine and I enjoy having one. Today I found my jam and that set the tone for the day. I did make my coffee so strong I couldn’t finish a cup and could smell colors. That will be my last cup in this house for some time, I miss you already bean water friend. My morning consist of not getting on my phone for the first 30 mins or so if possible. Brush my teeth, lemon water with meditation and movement, write in my bullet journal, confirmed my day, create any classes, shower, and then time to make the doughnuts. It was a good day.

It’s unusually hot here today, no wind, and the sea was glass. Not a bad view for a yoga class on a Tuesday?

Weekend Blur

AF Day 5 – Good morning

Waking up feeling pretty good.  The past few days have been relatively good and has forward motion.  I wake up every day wanting to drink and hang with Karen, every freaking day so far.  In the past when I quit I have not had these feelings.  I keep reflecting on why I can’t walk away like before and I keep coming back to the conclusion I am surrounded by more alcohol than ever.  As an adult I have lived mainly in Austin, and Denver which both cities are notorious for their drinking culture like here on the rock. The main difference is I had so many more social options in the states that I didn’t have to constantly be on the lookout for triggers and repeatedly saying no.  

Every day on the rock I’m invited to some type of drinking or sent some meme or planning an event where there is an excuse to hang out and drink.  Now granted it’s COVID time and most places can not be open except restaurants and there is not enough allowed circulation for most of the places to open. In the Bay where I live there is some type of party at someone’s house or an empty resort where anyone is there.  

AF Day 1 

Well that was Friday morning when I started the above entry and I didn’t make the day without Karen. Now it’s Monday morning at 3am feeling optimistic and like crap. I’m tired, disappointed, full of anxiety, excited, hopeful and hungover.  This booze cruise of a weekend started with a lot of emotions. My body felt great with a few sober days behind me, eating well and staying super active. My heart and mind was elsewhere, lonely, frustrated and scared. The spiral started when I thought I found a car and after paying $50 to a mechanic I found it was full of issues. Which is great to know and totally worth the money but it can take me several classes to make that much right now.  Friday kept rolling on, I taught a class and it was only prepaid students so no new money today and was bummed out.  I was hoping to make a little cash to stay and play on the beach all day anyways we had a great class and I love my students. After class I reached out to several people but they were either busy or drinking so I started to walk home. All these feelings of self doubt are starting to swirl in my mind, are these signs that I should leave? Am I going to be alone forever like this and down the drain I go with negative chatter. After trying for 45 minutes to find a friend I gave up and picked up Karen and headed home. 

With COVID rules still enforced on the rock I knew I would be alone for the entire weekend.  This is so heavy for me and hurts my heart even writing it now.  I drank the entire bottle pretty swiftly and wasn’t numbed out as I hoped. Still loads of “I suck” conversations going on in my head. I didn’t want to make the hike to the store so I polished off the remains of a bottle of cheap rum. It was gross and did the trick, it was enough to pass out and wake up at 8pm.  I desperately texted my ex, he knew I was drunk and ended our conversation pretty quickly. Finally I passed out again and started back at it in the morning.  

Saturday morning I felt so terrible and lost, I went for over 5 days and was feeling great. I typically have a couple of classes on the weekends but all my clients cancelled for various reasons. Is this another sign to leave? My mind was saying so many nasty things so I started to drink at breakfast to take the edge off. I wish I would have pulled out my mat, meditated, gone for a walk, anything else but I chose to drink. I’m so mad at myself at this point, I have been trying to stop drinking since April and here we are in August.  Why is this being a challenge?  I have all the resources, I know better, have support, know all the science behind drinking but all this hurt and sadness keeps taking over. Eventually I started to do some online work and update my journal. I knew that I could only do minor things because of the state I was in but I know that even little steps forward helps and I’m trying to get out of this downward spiral.  

The clouds moved in early and a steady rain started and lasted for a few hours. I was finally relieved to not have work that morning, as it would have all been canceled and I would have been rained on. My classes right now are outside for social distancing and I have to walk everywhere. Feeling a little better about the day I switched to coffee and told myself that’s it for alcohol, move on and up. I viewed my sober community on Instagram and was feeling super inspired. There was a popular post of a Dear Alcohol letter and that was my new plan, I have this!  It’s a full moon, new month, let’s do this.

A few hours passed and the power went out, lightning struck a pole and the entire rock was without power/internet again.  An hour into the outage my ex texted and 30 minutes later he picked me up.  We had a decent time watching tv and laughing it up. I brought Karen with me and drank the bottle over a course of 5 hours, I told myself I was tapering off.  I shouldn’t have entertained his invite but I was so lonely. I enjoy our conversations and he is kind but deep down I know this will end in a fiery mess, it always does even more so when I drink. He is struggling and admits to me he had been on and off his meds which makes him manic and it was showing. My friends tell me to not make too much of it and just enjoy the company but I can’t. Eventually we go to bed and I wake up at 4am ready to go home, I shouldn’t be here.  After coffee he takes me home and in the car we chat about snorkeling later. He made some kind of remark that I don’t believe we will snorkel later and how I must not trust anything he says.  I looked him square in the eyes and told him I lost faith in his words months ago.  

Now it’s about noon on Sunday and nothing about me is feeling inspired to adult.  Still upset thinking I need to leave the rock I put my name on a flight list to leave mid August. I don’t want to leave but this weekend was disappointing and something has to change.  4 months I have been saying I will be alcohol free, not drinking anymore, Dry July, so on and so on and failing miserably. I knew my ex wasn’t going to show up later and it hurts so much, every time. With all this in my mind I accepted it and opened a fresh cool bottle of white to close out the weekend.  I told myself, this is the last time and I will write this Dear Alcohol letter. I meal prepped, danced in the kitchen to happy music and let Karen drown out my sorrows.  

Out of the blue my dad messages me, we rarely talk but not in a bad way. We exchanged a few messages and I asked him to call me sometime to talk about me moving back.  I was already half-drunk so I was basically pushing him away so he won’t figure it out. My dad hates my drinking more than I do and at one point he didn’t talk to me for over a year after I got a DUI. My dad wanted to talk right then so I went with it and explained my frustrations and how I may move back. We keep talking and my dad drops a bomb, he offers to come to the rock and live with me!  This has been the plan several times and this will be my dad’s third attempt living here.  My entire body lights up and I feel inspired to stay and I’m so ready to buy a car. This will be amazing if this happens in so many ways but only if I’m not drinking. 

With this new wind in my sails and a bottle of wine deep I’m feeling good.  I meal prepped like a boss for the upcoming week and felt ready to take on this week.  A friend messaged me to come down to the beach and have a few beers, my ex still hasn’t called so I know he is standing me up and I was out of booze so I went. It was a fun day except my friend kept hitting on me and I have drawn a firm line with him several times. I kept ignoring and discouraging his flirting and he kept the beers flowing. I was trying to be careful since I already had a bottle of wine in me and if I give this guy an inch he will take a mile. The afternoon was awesome, I was happy with the news from my dad, perfect beach weather saw a few friends, confirmed another car and then I greyed out.  The next thing I remember I’m at his place having prime rib.  It was so damn good, not every day you have good beef on the island and this was flown in from the states. He was planning on me staying the night but I managed enough brainpower to come home. He has done this several times before and I should have known better.

Here we are now, Monday morning and wildly I’m feeling optimistic after typing this and dehydrated. Luckily today will be a relatively easy day, getting caffeinated and starting my bullet journal a few days late. I have a few projects in the works, chatting up an old flame and looking up houses on the MLS. New month, full moon and new adventures ahead!

Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful. 

I will never, ever.

AF Day 3

Have you ever said “I will never, ever” and somehow, someway, here you are? You’re standing in that place you said never, ever, ever you would be. Stomp your foot, sure in your bones never ever. That was my day. It started off a hazy morning practice indoors. Living on the Iron Shore I get to enjoy ocean spray, smoke, salt, etc creeps in often as you can see. I love the feel of the fresh air and enjoy every deep breath a little more knowing how fresh it is here compared to my city life.

Where did I never, ever, ever think I would be. Teaching water aerobics on the side of the pool in yoga pants on in a bikini in the water. Never ever till today at 10 am. These clients are great people, easy to get along with, and asked a few times so I said let’s do this. A new adventure that I swore never, ever, and there were doubts. I don’t enjoy quick movements outside of power yoga rarely. I loved a friend so much I tried Jazzercise for 2 months, I’m the worst. If this movement is new to, Jazzercise, think of jazzed up exercise in tempo. Full body, intense and dramatic. I danced in gay bars occasionally and was ready to bring it. I was wrong, no clue what I was walking into. This is straight-up exercise choreography and I’m no Jlo. (I wanted to be a fly girl so bad) The song and movements are always the same and everyone but my friend and I knew the moves. All of them. My friend loved it and I was about to go into an anxiety attack. LOL, I tried it 3 times a week for 2 months. Nope, I went a totally different route and never went back or even tried.

Now here I am, shaking it like Shakira and having a great time. I knew a week ago I was doing this class but I wasn’t feeling it. I teach yoga not aerobics, I have said this many times before with a sassy turned up nose. I have been pushing away a lot of work and simply need to figure out. Making it through this COVID economy on the rock or move back to the states and slang real estate. This morning a memory came up on my social and it was a picture of Richard Simmons doing a glitter squat. It’s ridiculous, lovely and I’m feeling it. The way he moves to be happy and encourages others, I love it. I watched a few videos, wrote a few sequences down, and finally felt inspired. The class went well and rebooked twice a week

The rest of the day was busy work online, I feel overall ok. I’m still overeating like crazy, at least the binging is on healthy foods and at home. Just no smoking to curb the eating and once this coffee runs out I’m calling it a treat again too. I’m tracking all these changes and super stoked for sleep. Tomorrow another fun alcohol-free day. I keep getting invited to parties and end up not going. By the looks of things on stories, it’s always a good idea. Home alone almost every night is getting old but way better than alone with Karen.

Work is feeling good but future the is bleak. The airlines are cutting more people and the hotel is laying off more for 90 days allowed by the government as of recent. Please let this be the bottom. Crime is high and violent but without tourism I’m not sure how many will survive.

Karen was around today actually and I thought about her strongly twice. I don’t want to do it in public because I told people I quit for July. I admit I slipped up but not that I want to keep at it. Home safe so not today Satan!  

Dry July

AF Day 1

Good morning friends, today is the day. HAHAHA I know, I know… I keep trying but stick out with me a little longer, I got this. I have so much going on and my to do list is getting longer and longer. Drinking had me spinning my wheels and feelings are everywhere. Dry July is on like donkey kong and this to do list is going to get worked. I have gathered key people who are supporting my journey and I’m not ashamed anymore. It sucks that I can’t drink alcohol but I want so much more. I know I could keep drinking and live a decent life but it’s not fulfilling. I have been settling left and right, gross.

My eyes are tearing up, why is this so emotional? I feel like I failed as a person and not living my values. This is so simple, don’t drink alcohol. I have had sober months, even a year in my 20’s, I quit using drugs and so many other bad behaviors. Karen has her claws in me for long enough and we are breaking up today.

Speaking with Mr B the other day the knowing came up. I use to know I was a force to be reckoned with and there was nothing that I couldn’t do. The past year I have been floating along and letting life happen to me. I would gain momentum, have a strong moment and then some thing would take the wind out of my sails. Now with COVID I really need to get to action, think differently and make changes. The wild thing is my goals are still the same work from anywhere, quality time with people I care about and a healthy lifestyle. Simple right? I love it and super excited.

I know I can be AF and thank you for believing in me. It’s one of the best feelings I’ve had in a long time, thank you. Cheers my friends and join me for Dry July!

Let’s Do It

AF Day 1

Not hungover like I thought I would be for my Day 1. I have been actively trying to quit drinking since my breakdown in early April this year, I want to call that this bottom. I’ve had worse bottoms and sober periods scattered along the decades. What I know is the bottom is where ever you quit digging and today I’m done.

My plan is writing this journal to help me understand a new found whirlwind of emotions, find support in a like minded community and to connect with people to encourage them to be sober curious too. AF (alcohol free) living has always had my interest and when I’m living my best life alcohol is rarely there. This bottom is because I want more out of life and I feel alcohol is getting in the way. I can have good times with alcohol still however the emotional hurtful times is more than I am comfortable with. I’m done digging and ready for living.

Today I want a rolling 365 days of alcohol free, maybe longer. Sober curios for sure and excited to see how I will rise and fall. Alcohol has become a band-aid for me and began using it to numb out, repeatedly. Yes we are in a pandemic and probably an intense time to quit, it’s no secret I love sitting front row in this roller coaster called life.

Along with writing this blog, I have enlisted a small circle of friends that will be amazing mentors and a knowing that sobriety will be game changing. Join me and let’s support each other finding our way to sober living.