Ever heard of MSU’ing?  Making Shit Up is a real problem for me when I’m low and I haven’t thought about this in some time.  This concept was brought to me by a therapist ages ago and so relevant right now. My MSU’ing is so fierce and damaging, I would never allow a friend to talk to themselves this way, never. Now I am staying curious about what this behavior is.  Is it a trigger, response, coping method, a habit, or the effects chemically from alcohol, all I know it’s nasty and I need to stay aware.  When going down the alcohol drain my mind focuses on the negatives and the self chatter is horrendous, my eyes are weeping from the memories of the lies I try to tell myself. Most of these people who I think are abandoning me are dealing with their own struggles and trying the best they can.  I need to remember this, be gentle, and know their behavior is not about me.  

Taking everything so personally is something I am trying to grow with. Since making this sober shift slowly ( forward is forward) I will lose friends and change boundaries in relationships, this isn’t a bad thing but painful. I have a hard time letting people go since I don’t want people to give up on me like my mom. Over the course of 3 months, I have changed my relationship with a few people and hung on a few a little too long. I keep hearing you show people how to treat you and of course, I don’t want to believe that however, it is blatantly true.  My ex knows I will call him when I’m struggling and that is why I get the same results again and again. He is pleasantly blocked now and I have been able to pass him on the beach briefly with a smile and pleasantries . Talk about some growth on my end, in my past, I would avoid and be annoyed.  This rock is too small and not enough people here to be petty.  

The past 36 hours have been great surprisingly.  After puking up whatever was left I was never able to return to sleep.  I had to shower off the puke sweats a few times and finally, it was 6 am and the sun was rising and it all passed.  Tropical Storm Nana hit the day before and was to stay around a few days with showers however it ended up being a beautiful day.  After a great morning meditation, I started to reflect on what I do know.  I love the feeling of knowing compared to MSU’ing.  Did I know my friends/family were not including me on purpose? No, I have no idea. If these people are my friends why not ask them directly? This terrible habit of sitting at home with Karen wallowing in self-doubt and so many other nasty thoughts that are simply not true needs to end.  If these thoughts are wildly true then these people are not my friends and I don’t need to go there. I know sometimes I am not invited since I’ve been public about my alcohol worries and that is ok.  I can’t play with everyone all the time. 

Yesterday ended up being super productive. I cleaned the house and washed the sheets, this is something I crave.  Having a clean organized house brings me so much peace, plus fresh bed sheets are amazing!  I focused on my self-care starting with flossing of course. It blows my mind how this little habit is such a catalyst for the rest of my day.  It definitely showed me how important a morning routine for me is and to keep at it even when I don’t want to. Then I boogied off to the supermarket in my new car and what a boost this was, freedom!! My inner fat kid was screaming on the inside and I overdid it on the groceries, way too excited about shopping alone at my own time and pace. Later completed a bunch of little tasks that are building my new path including something so exciting. I have found my path on how to grow my skill sets and narrowed it down to 2 schools, you guys are gonna love this and more info once the details solidify. 

Feeling pumped I reached out to a few friends who I thought were jerks and no surprise they were just wrapped up in their own details. Sometimes I think people should know I am hurting but unless I tell them they would never know.  I’m typically upbeat, bubbly, and super confident so when I need help I have to ask and be honest.  That my friends is hard at the moment but I am sure I will get there soon.  Once I settle into my new space with alcohol I feel I will attract my tribe with my good vibes.  My passion has always beamed from me and easily effects others effortlessly.  A seed needs to crack in order to grow and that is all the feels at this moment. 

After chatting with my hair Guru she wanted to come over and chat about her latest adventure, you know whatever I thought she was avoiding me with. SMH, she was hustling for her passion and so happy to share that with her.  We chatted, pulled some cards, talked about the past two weeks and the up and coming.  It was a huge relief to have her here and knowing I was totally MSU’ing. At night that is when the loneliness sets in and been filling it with Karen and food, none of that tonight. Right now I am replacing food with wine for the moment but it’s starting to make a difference in my weight and not just in my boobs. Still sexy no matter how much my jiggle is in my wiggle.

Today seems like a great day ahead as well.  My morning routine is complete and class at the hotel in a bit. I can not express how much teaching and helping others is such a lift for me and I will always be grateful this is a part of my life.  This afternoon is a little tricky. I’m suppose to go to the brewery with friends and my body feels nervous about it. I want to go and socialize, I miss people so damn much but I will be without my car and my friends will be drinking.  I use to be able to go into a bar and not drink all the time, maybe not today. Right now typing this my physical body reacts and my mind is trying to justify just one is ok.  I can not tell you when I only had one by my own choice, ever. 

The goal for the next few weeks is to witness when I’m MSU’ing and staying honest with myself and people I want to call friends.  Not sure what MSU’ing is but it has a stronghold on me and I’m ready to let it go. 

Will I Ever Be Ready To?

I have been up since 3 am overwhelmed with emotions about what to do and it is causing a shadow over every part of my life. I’m so unsure of everything and after yesterday’s cumulative shit storm has my nervous system all wrecked today.  I watched Netflixs, which I rarely do, to distract and numb out. It felt good for an hour or so, yet here I am at 7 am deciding if I am going to drink today. I even thought about canceling my class and just to hang with Karen instead. Makes zero sense, as I always feel better after teaching. 

Now is that the alcohol talking or me escaping all these feelings?  Keep drinking or do I power through and get sober now, will I ever get sober? I’m crying as I type, feeling like a failure just for thinking this way. I believe I literally picked the hardest time, to let Karen go, I need better-coping methods.  COVID has really been one of the toughest moments and I want to enjoy how lucky I am to be here. I’m tired of feeling alone and Karen is always around, always.  Even my therapist said her drinking has picked up and they are starting to taper back.  

Last nights advice totally sucked but I have heard this before here.  Mr. OCD has told me many times to be friends with everyone but be friends with no one.  Always sounded like terrible advice to me and he is a very lonely man. In the States, I only worked with people I didn’t care for, rarely socialized.  I get playing nice as in it’s a smaller community however I don’t want to hang out with people for the sake of not being alone. There is a lot of high functioning alcoholics here within the ex-pat community and we are all on island time.  Since we can’t be out after 5 pm they day drink a lot and I don’t want to hang out with that.  

I feel it in my soul that I don’t want to adopt fake friends just for the sake of hanging out. There are house parties a lot right now and I never get invited. It’s upsetting but I wouldn’t go anyways because it’s not my people. A few are but then I would need to tolerate a lot and I would rather not. It is more of a reminder how I miss seeing people I care about, not the coconut tree gossip line in the Bay. Since I have come on this rock 6 years ago I have been searching for my inner circle and still struggling to find it. I have made a few good girlfriends however most of them have left for a reason or another. Then typically I meet a fella, we buddy up and that’s the end of my loneliness.  It’s not an option at the moment and it was is the only reason I have been calling my ex. I miss having a friend, not him honestly however he’s not interested without sex and I have zero interest. I tried that love the one you are with and back to the drawing board.  He is still blocked and no calling any other ex’s. 

I’m trying to think if I had a car would it be different? This morning I was also thinking who would I drive to hang out with?  I do have a handful of friends and once I have the freedom of a car I will meet new people right?  Maybe I’m not finding my community because of the lack of wheels or because I am not being the kind of person I want to be friends with.  I love blaming myself so I can fix it. It’s my fault that I have these feelings right? No one can make you feel anything I am choosing this and it sucks. 

My other tizzy is my dad is on the fence about coming to the rock and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or not. I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it here without him here. Well, that is not entirely true. I can make it anywhere but it feels that way.  If my dad was here it would be so refreshing to have his love and company. We won’t pal around all the time, we both love our space, just knowing he is here and has my back would be a huge relief.  It’s more emotional support than anything else.  My dad is an out of sight, out of mind person.  We rarely talk now but it is always a good conversation.  

Getting on with the day now.  I love my new morning routine and will get pumped for class. I really love teaching and wish it paid more. Now after class I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I have a meeting with Mr. Hotel hopefully and that will gain a little clarity.  I have a going-away party at 4 that should be a great time but it’s loaded with triggers so I may stay home with Karen. Shaking my head just thinking about it. I need to let her go, will I ever be ready to? 

Weekend Blur

AF Day 5 – Good morning

Waking up feeling pretty good.  The past few days have been relatively good and has forward motion.  I wake up every day wanting to drink and hang with Karen, every freaking day so far.  In the past when I quit I have not had these feelings.  I keep reflecting on why I can’t walk away like before and I keep coming back to the conclusion I am surrounded by more alcohol than ever.  As an adult I have lived mainly in Austin, and Denver which both cities are notorious for their drinking culture like here on the rock. The main difference is I had so many more social options in the states that I didn’t have to constantly be on the lookout for triggers and repeatedly saying no.  

Every day on the rock I’m invited to some type of drinking or sent some meme or planning an event where there is an excuse to hang out and drink.  Now granted it’s COVID time and most places can not be open except restaurants and there is not enough allowed circulation for most of the places to open. In the Bay where I live there is some type of party at someone’s house or an empty resort where anyone is there.  

AF Day 1 

Well that was Friday morning when I started the above entry and I didn’t make the day without Karen. Now it’s Monday morning at 3am feeling optimistic and like crap. I’m tired, disappointed, full of anxiety, excited, hopeful and hungover.  This booze cruise of a weekend started with a lot of emotions. My body felt great with a few sober days behind me, eating well and staying super active. My heart and mind was elsewhere, lonely, frustrated and scared. The spiral started when I thought I found a car and after paying $50 to a mechanic I found it was full of issues. Which is great to know and totally worth the money but it can take me several classes to make that much right now.  Friday kept rolling on, I taught a class and it was only prepaid students so no new money today and was bummed out.  I was hoping to make a little cash to stay and play on the beach all day anyways we had a great class and I love my students. After class I reached out to several people but they were either busy or drinking so I started to walk home. All these feelings of self doubt are starting to swirl in my mind, are these signs that I should leave? Am I going to be alone forever like this and down the drain I go with negative chatter. After trying for 45 minutes to find a friend I gave up and picked up Karen and headed home. 

With COVID rules still enforced on the rock I knew I would be alone for the entire weekend.  This is so heavy for me and hurts my heart even writing it now.  I drank the entire bottle pretty swiftly and wasn’t numbed out as I hoped. Still loads of “I suck” conversations going on in my head. I didn’t want to make the hike to the store so I polished off the remains of a bottle of cheap rum. It was gross and did the trick, it was enough to pass out and wake up at 8pm.  I desperately texted my ex, he knew I was drunk and ended our conversation pretty quickly. Finally I passed out again and started back at it in the morning.  

Saturday morning I felt so terrible and lost, I went for over 5 days and was feeling great. I typically have a couple of classes on the weekends but all my clients cancelled for various reasons. Is this another sign to leave? My mind was saying so many nasty things so I started to drink at breakfast to take the edge off. I wish I would have pulled out my mat, meditated, gone for a walk, anything else but I chose to drink. I’m so mad at myself at this point, I have been trying to stop drinking since April and here we are in August.  Why is this being a challenge?  I have all the resources, I know better, have support, know all the science behind drinking but all this hurt and sadness keeps taking over. Eventually I started to do some online work and update my journal. I knew that I could only do minor things because of the state I was in but I know that even little steps forward helps and I’m trying to get out of this downward spiral.  

The clouds moved in early and a steady rain started and lasted for a few hours. I was finally relieved to not have work that morning, as it would have all been canceled and I would have been rained on. My classes right now are outside for social distancing and I have to walk everywhere. Feeling a little better about the day I switched to coffee and told myself that’s it for alcohol, move on and up. I viewed my sober community on Instagram and was feeling super inspired. There was a popular post of a Dear Alcohol letter and that was my new plan, I have this!  It’s a full moon, new month, let’s do this.

A few hours passed and the power went out, lightning struck a pole and the entire rock was without power/internet again.  An hour into the outage my ex texted and 30 minutes later he picked me up.  We had a decent time watching tv and laughing it up. I brought Karen with me and drank the bottle over a course of 5 hours, I told myself I was tapering off.  I shouldn’t have entertained his invite but I was so lonely. I enjoy our conversations and he is kind but deep down I know this will end in a fiery mess, it always does even more so when I drink. He is struggling and admits to me he had been on and off his meds which makes him manic and it was showing. My friends tell me to not make too much of it and just enjoy the company but I can’t. Eventually we go to bed and I wake up at 4am ready to go home, I shouldn’t be here.  After coffee he takes me home and in the car we chat about snorkeling later. He made some kind of remark that I don’t believe we will snorkel later and how I must not trust anything he says.  I looked him square in the eyes and told him I lost faith in his words months ago.  

Now it’s about noon on Sunday and nothing about me is feeling inspired to adult.  Still upset thinking I need to leave the rock I put my name on a flight list to leave mid August. I don’t want to leave but this weekend was disappointing and something has to change.  4 months I have been saying I will be alcohol free, not drinking anymore, Dry July, so on and so on and failing miserably. I knew my ex wasn’t going to show up later and it hurts so much, every time. With all this in my mind I accepted it and opened a fresh cool bottle of white to close out the weekend.  I told myself, this is the last time and I will write this Dear Alcohol letter. I meal prepped, danced in the kitchen to happy music and let Karen drown out my sorrows.  

Out of the blue my dad messages me, we rarely talk but not in a bad way. We exchanged a few messages and I asked him to call me sometime to talk about me moving back.  I was already half-drunk so I was basically pushing him away so he won’t figure it out. My dad hates my drinking more than I do and at one point he didn’t talk to me for over a year after I got a DUI. My dad wanted to talk right then so I went with it and explained my frustrations and how I may move back. We keep talking and my dad drops a bomb, he offers to come to the rock and live with me!  This has been the plan several times and this will be my dad’s third attempt living here.  My entire body lights up and I feel inspired to stay and I’m so ready to buy a car. This will be amazing if this happens in so many ways but only if I’m not drinking. 

With this new wind in my sails and a bottle of wine deep I’m feeling good.  I meal prepped like a boss for the upcoming week and felt ready to take on this week.  A friend messaged me to come down to the beach and have a few beers, my ex still hasn’t called so I know he is standing me up and I was out of booze so I went. It was a fun day except my friend kept hitting on me and I have drawn a firm line with him several times. I kept ignoring and discouraging his flirting and he kept the beers flowing. I was trying to be careful since I already had a bottle of wine in me and if I give this guy an inch he will take a mile. The afternoon was awesome, I was happy with the news from my dad, perfect beach weather saw a few friends, confirmed another car and then I greyed out.  The next thing I remember I’m at his place having prime rib.  It was so damn good, not every day you have good beef on the island and this was flown in from the states. He was planning on me staying the night but I managed enough brainpower to come home. He has done this several times before and I should have known better.

Here we are now, Monday morning and wildly I’m feeling optimistic after typing this and dehydrated. Luckily today will be a relatively easy day, getting caffeinated and starting my bullet journal a few days late. I have a few projects in the works, chatting up an old flame and looking up houses on the MLS. New month, full moon and new adventures ahead!