Let’s Dive In

Af Day 2

Waking up today feeling fresh and clean. Yesterday was a hard day to manage through so drained from Karen conversations through the weekend. I slept terrible the night before and had a private first thing. I can fake it till I make it poolside but in their personal space, mostly since it was sweating out wine from the night before typically till recently. Ugh I hated the way my breath was heavy and I felt my sweat was off, being alcohol free solves all that. I had a moment Sunday and finally had an anxiety attack. It feels so good for the release, I can feel these toxic things build up and I have anxiety about my anxiety till I can’t take it anymore and break apart. I’m leaning on changing break apart to letting go.

So I need to change my patterns and have faith that things always work out for me. Typically always better than I expected, especially after I am able to slow down and be in the moment. Once I’m able to settle into situations that created these fear I’m able to become more curious in finding the beauty and fun. In my new homework I ask myself ” I feel (fill in the blank) because (fill in the blank). Why does that make me feel (fill in the blank)? Same question over and over till you find the root cause or something I can change to help with my fears. I have practiced this with my coach and we did a few negative things and that was a little hard at first and silly actually. Then later on my own I did a few positives and that really helped solidify why I love living here.

One of the reasons I live here on this rock is the diving. Look how gorgeous the water is? This picture was taken a few days ago. MS is a funny guy and it’s his birthday today, Happy Birthday friend! The clarity of the ocean is amazing and even more sense there is no tourist or cruise ships creating pollution. I really hope people hold value on how clean everything is and try to preserve it. The water, the island over all is so very clean and way less polluted. I feel amazingly lucky to be here and will be diving again on Wednesday and then once a week! I’m going to recruit other woman in the area to join me so to help spread my circle in the community, thinking every Monday afternoon. Some version of this picture will be my 1:30 Monday afternoon meeting. My life is a dream come true and why I will figure this out.

I’ve come to a realization that this is such an amazing time to be on this island and I need to find a way to make this work while enjoying my quality of life. I always, always, always find a way to make it work and have a good time doing it. Taking the money out of my savings for a car is what put me over the edge about anxiety, and I have come to terms with it. I want to have a better quality of life or I need to find another rock to thrive on. I have been surviving for over a year creating a wellness business at the resort and I am so close!! I almost had 300 yogis in August, if not this year the next and surprise we all get to stay home, thanks COVID. In the last year there were months I may have made $500 and it’s not the quality of life I want to have. I want to have a car or access to one at all times especially since there is not public transportation consistently available anywhere. I did promise myself no more reaching into my savings after the car and talking to a financial advisor on Thursday. I haven’t dip in it in a long time and that creates the confidence I need to let go of that anxiety with losing all my money.

With this new understanding I have come to appreciate my anxiety. Yes I should be uncomfortable with using money from my savings, otherwise I would have wasted it years ago with nothing to show for it. Now with a better quality of life, the ability to make more money and an extra layer of security this is exactly what my savings is for. Plus I’m only taking only 5%, debt free and finally doing something with my savings so it can continue to grow or work for me in some way. The car is looking like a smoking good deal too! It’s not my style, however the positives and its was very well taken care of with an amazing clean interior. The biggest fear was the hill I live on and the car zipped right up my crazy steep hill, took it like a champ no problems with the aircon on. Super good people too, friends of the Mr & Mrs B and that is a added layer of confidence. Ran the CarFax two accidents with no towing needed, this is typical for Honduras. Computer checked with only one thing popped up, typically a car of this price the dashboard is lit up like christmas since there really isn’t any laws about the vehicle condition and the mechanic will be checking it later this week. Pics once adopted. Fingers crossed this or better.

Today is good day, I was to have a photoshoot but it was canceled since the rock is on a circulation number system. You can only drive if your id ends in a certain number on a certain day with zero driving on weekends. Monday through Friday is 1 through 5 and the next week 6 through 0. Luckily everyone is doing home delivery and it is affordable otherwise I would be in trouble. It has been this way for over a month. I can drive with in my community and the End so it’s not as bad as other areas, again another reason I am so grateful to be here in this moment now.

Off to enjoy another sober adventure in paradise.

Holding Hands

Af Day 1

Today should be day 2, day 10, hell almost 90 days when I started this. After yesterday I worry I’m not taking it seriously or am I truly powerless? I have a hard time ingesting the powerless for many reasons so what in the hell is Karen still here? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? I know I will be emotional and have moments of doubts however I know in my mind an alcohol-free day is better than most drunk moments for me at this time in our relationship. Crap, I know it’s bad yet here I am hungover and without pizza. 

Yesterday I was teaching a class and having a great time with it. Super fun people, the pool was super clean, a perfect empty beach day. One of the students chimed in its Margarita Monday and the words came out of my mouth, I would love a margarita. About 10 mins later a husband of a student interrupts me, hands me a drink, and says I look hot. It was a shock but this happens often at the resort. I asked what it was and sure enough, it was a margarita. One of my students told her husband to get me one after I said that. They all knew I was doing dry July, we kind of joked about it a little. That hurts now, yesterday it was funny and I didn’t say no. I could have stopped there but didn’t, wild B wanted to get out and about so strike while the skillet is hot right? I’m happy with how much I have cut back and I like feeling sober over hungover, the sleep is so worth it, I promise. This back and forth with Karen is taking up to much of mind. My coach tells me how you do 1 thing is how you do everything.

This is a prime example of when I need to hold my own hand. This is going to keep happening I need to practice saying no thank you ……… Now how to say it with kindness and no room for peer pressure? That is what keeps happening next. For real if I was quitting smoking they would not be handing me a lighter. I should have declined and they would have totally understood and then call a friend and try to do something else, change that thought loop. Saying no at first will be easy that is such a trigger for me right now, I would have gone and scooped up Karen and gone home alone if I didn’t go with my student.

We had a great time, I really wanted a pupusa so we boogied over to the End, about 10 min drive away. I was able to get veggies from a stand and some basics at the gas station. The biggest win was this student has no idea my life exactly and we go to 2 separate places where the owners play nice-ish with me. They both said hello and the Whitesnake video girl came and chatted a bit and tried to be a little sassy and I was a lady. I was a drunk lady as I had been drinking almost a bottle of wine at this point. Still, I didn’t get rattled and was happy like it was air passing through. That is the first time that has ever happened with either of them in some time. I feel so much growth and damn the pizza was good. I went to eat some this morning and drunk me ate all the pizza, I typically only eat 1 slice. I was made I don’t remember eating it. HAHAHA, my inner fat kid realness.

I spent way too much money and now that I am tracking my spending I can compare yesterday to a day of diving. I would rather allocate that money to dive and lunch with a few friends. I really only went out yesterday because I didn’t want to be alone. I’m alone a lot since I don’t have a car and the taxis are really high right now to justify. I should have a car by the end of the next week. I hate that I’m digging into my savings but this will upgrade my quality of life so much and worth it. I was supposed to have access to a car and then COVID happened and it’s bad for me to be stuck like a princess in a tower. Now I see it as using money to buy gas instead of alcohol for my freedom. Wow, I’m going to let that sink in real deep today. That freedom is so worth it. I am working with my coach today and maybe we can work on that.

I did enjoy yesterday, I did over drank, smoked a few cigs, overeat, and greyed out at the end.  Why did I choose to quit drinking coffee now?  I need to replace this overeating and walking away with a couple of positive wins that will help me in several ways.  Thanks for the love and support and I know if you were you would be holding my hand. It’s going to be more than ok, it will be beautiful.